twist-irony-surprises

Usual nonsensical ranting that doesnt make sense. Dont read!!!

2009-05-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

Most of the things in life revolve around law of attraction. The desire to mate, the desire to eat, the desire to succeed, and the desire to do anything basically depends on how attractive that certain object is.

I believe love is one of those attractive things in life.

The stranger sitting beside you maybe share the same attribute of your boyfriend-the way he talks, laughs, shakes his feet about, or the way he puts his palms in his pocket when he is nervous but you could never feel the same about him they way you feel about your boyfriend . That is partly because your brain learns to distinguish the both of them as two different individual. You're brain has developed a halo around your special someone and thus making him look more attractive than the other person.

Love is just the thing of the mind.

This current person that you seem to have a crush on may seem much more handsome than any other guys you've seen, smarter than most men you've met, more appealing than others, and seems to be better than everybody else and that's because you're brain has decided to portray such images in your mind. Most people fall in love with the idea that they have generated around this special someone rather than with the reality. Hence, many have to live with the disappointment after discovering that this special someone is as ordinary as other people out there.

Many have told me that I've never experienced love and that's partly because I refuse to acknowledge it. I may be experiencing a crush based on idyllic images but I don't care what it is! I just want it to stop right now!!!!

Zeph focus on reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality!!!!!

I think I'm failing miserably. Help...

I am not feeling emo but just expressing!

2009-04-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

For so many years of my life, I have this secret yearning to be blown away emotionally and mentally. Quietly, I have been yearning for that similar explosion in my chest that I recieved when first listened to Jamiroquai when I was 13 or Prem Joshua when I was in India. Songs after songs I seeked but I was left dry .Each time I get to lay my eyes on nature's magnificence, I anticipated for that automatic eye-widening experience followed by giddiness- but all I felt was calmness which disappointed me. I badly want to be awed by a good books like how I was easily awed by Shakespeare's lyrical metaphors, similes and beautiful hidden pictures when I was 16 but I am too cold for that now. I want to feel goosebumps and tears welling up in the corner of my eyes whenever I see beauty in any form again or experience one of those moments where passion runs you wild or lightheadedness that you get from experiencing something spectacular. But I think I have turned too icy, too analytical and too desensitized. For once in my life I yearn to be bipolar to feel the waves of raw emotions.

I have come to realise that such such mind blowing experiences cannot be anticipated and forced to be felt. It must hit you unguarded and unprepared, and only in that stance the emotions are allowed to swell within you and reached a zenith that will blow your mind away and leaving you awed. I was in a state of nonchalance when I was watching Encounters at the End of the World when suddenly I got goosebumps creeping up my body and tears welling up in eyes after countless days of embodying Sahara Desert. Then these goosebumps and tears came again and again like rolling orgasms (don't mind my perverse imagery). It was like a breath of fresh air after being cooped up in a windowless and humid room.

Encounters at the End of the World is a documentary that recites a tale of the animals and people that inhabit the lost world of Antarctica. A world so isolated that philosophers, intellectuals,vagabonds and scientists perceive it as their own Shangri-la. They created a society that wants to avoid society (my kind of irony ). Herzog (the director of the documentary) tries to resurface hidden treasures which are locked beneath inches and inches of ice and articulates that the creatures found at the bottom of the cold sea as sights more extravagant than Science Fiction and describes the experience of diving beside the bottom of the iceberg as spiritual as walking into a white cathedral. My two favourite scenes consist of a deranged penguin and seals singing the most inorganic tunes (it sounds like pink floyd).

What greatly moved me was these "silver bullet" or almost epiphanic moments- where philosophers and scientists utter ingenious quotations effortlessly or watching these spectacular scenaries while your ears are filled with Herzog's poetic yet calming speeches and haunting Gregorian Music. It's epic! He is brilliant in capturing the most bizarre and inspiring aspects of life as well as nature. He opened up my mind and made see world through the eyes of these wild vagabonds, mad scientists and humble philosophers. I learnt that there is more to life than living in these cubicles of your life such as your house, your room, your workplace, your school, your car and most importantly the tight cubicle of your mind. As cliche as this may sound, he is trying to tell you to think or more appropriate to live outside box. Ladies and Gentlemen, I beg you to give this doc a try.

Two of my favourite clips!

I fear Death!

2009-04-13T04:53:00.000-07:00

Each one of us has certain mental problems that we could be aware or unaware of but never took it seriously.

Like some people have OCD but they never take it seriously or some people have unexplainable phobias. Certain people refuse to travel away from their warm and comfy home in fear of new changes, new people and even to an extent thinking that people want to murder them!

My visit to the clinic today made me realise that I do have a mental problem of my own- and it is thinking that I might have diseases that have been lurking quietly in me and waiting to surface one day and kill me with all the excessive surgeries.

I have always been afraid of needles, surgeries, medications, hospitals and such things that remind me that I am IMMORTAL! *GASP*

Like today, while waiting to be called by the nurse, I went through brochures after medical brochures and sucessfully convinced myself that I am unknowingly suffering from

1)Pneumonia
On the brochures it said that Prenumonia can be contracted if you have been exposed to cold conditions and suffering from chills, fever, wheezing, coughing and such symptoms.

The other night, I slept with wet hair in a freezing air cond room. Now I'm having fever that is giving the chills and severe coughing. Could I be having pneumonia? = (

2)Endometriosis
On the brochure it said that women who have been experiencing sever period cramps on the lower back and abdomen, discharging blood which is in black or dark red colour could be experiencing Endometriosis. I have been having those since 15. I think I have them.

3)Denggi

Each time I pay a visit to a hospital or a clinic, I always managed to convince myself that I have 5 out of 10 diseases that they put on the wall for reading. The other day, I even thought I had HIV! Sometimes, I even thought I'm pregnant and it caused me sleepless nights just thining about it.

I have a chronic mental disease!

So what do u think?

2009-02-16T10:47:00.000-08:00

What pops inside your mind when you see this picture?

What would you say if I say that this is Madonna twenty years ago?

I'm sure if you didn't know it was Madonna, you wouldn't give a rat ass about this picture except commenting on the massive pubic hair.

But the moment you found out it was Madonna, you will start giving an elephant ass on this picture. Being shock, hysterical, critical, skeptical and what not. I guess its human nature.

But that's not the point right now.

The point is, how do you perceive this picture or more appropriately to me, this work of art?

The first time I lied eyes on it, my brain whirred out a shallow comment which goes like this

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS NEANDERTHAL?"

Then I said, "WOW, NICE TITS!"

Then I said "Why does she have so much of hair on her body????"

Then Aminah came and said " Wow, she looks classy".

At that moment, it dawned on me that she does look classy in a natural way. No pretenses, no jewelery, no clothes, not much of make-up, and nothing to hide her flaws as well as her beauty.

She looks like a woman. Too many women are obsessed looking perfectly adorned to look beautiful but not many realise that being bare and truly raw once in a while is beautiful too. Let your bare eyes shine when you're happy and let your lips tell the story when you smile. No need for make-up, jewelry. handbags, designer products, perfumes to shout out your personality. Get dressed simply and just shine in your own way.

Let the smell of your shampoo and your soap to become your perfume. Let the colour of your eyes and the colour of your hair to be your crowning glory. Let the smile and the wrinkles on your face speak for yourself. I think it is really refreshing to not take your self seriously once in a while.

The model in this picture is not even looking at the camera in this shot. It is intriguing. It sends out the message that she is not even bothered about how she looks, or if the angle of her body makes her look fat or not. In fact, it makes me think that she doesn't even care if there is someone taking her picture or not, although in reality its the opposite. But in perceiving art, it is not about the reality but it is about how it moves you and inspires you.

And this picture is inspiring- at least to me.

In this picture, she is strong and bold in a feminist way. She deliberately grew out her hair for this picture (I assume and this made her sex-less for months too i think) or maybe she doesn't even have the habit of shaving in the first place, but its without doubt that the gorilla hair was intended. The intention is to serve up to many aims and ideas which i can't fully lay out or fully comprehend. I have my takes on the hair issues but its too long to type it out.

But I just want to know, what do you think of it? = )

3 things

2009-01-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

There are three things that I thought I never had till now and they are Father figure, mother figure and lastly action figure.

Since I was young, I've always thought my mum unfit to be, well a mum. Married at such a young age and possessing an unalterable physical flaw has contributed to the development of my judgment. However as I grew out of my teenage mindset, I realised that a mother does not have to fulfill standard and typical requirements to be a mother figure. These typical requirements shall not be elaborated on as I like to keep them to myself. Over the years, I grew closer to my mum and accepted her as the way she is. I begun to love her and understand much more than I ever had. It was then that I realised that my mother is a figure that is a challenge to sculpt. I know, beneath all the tumultous facade she potrays, she is a perfect mother.

Then comes my father. Unlike with my mum, I never got the chance to fully appreciate him as he is. Since young and till now, I have always had a hard time with him. I was always wishing he was gone just so that I can have some peace and freedom until he was actually gone. Just before I say anything else, I would like to clarify that my dad is a superb dad. The only thing that bothers me so much about his is that we can't communicate. Talking will turn to shouting and shouting will inevitably lead to awkward silence that would go on for three days. But the moment I found out he hadn't come home for days I freaked out! Anger invaded firstly, and then fear and then worry and then love. I never knew how much I loved my dad till that moment. I cried and cried and cried on my pillows. Words that never have been said to him kept on recurring in my mind and were just waiting to be said to him when he gets home. At that moment lying on my pillow, was the moment it broke all my assumptions of my dad being an inadequate father figure. In fact, I have always blamed my dad for my childlike and clingy behaviour which I often impose upon my boyfriends.

The reason behind this dumb theory is that I have never felt pampered or doted on when I was a child. I was always expected to talk like an adult, eat like an adult and etc. My dad was seldom at home to dote on his kids. That's why whenever I have a steady boyfriend, I tend to turn them into a father figure. Amir is experiencing this first hand and he hates the fact that he is being a father more than a boyfriend to me. With that theory aside, I just wanna conclude this story about dad by saying that I have always had a father figure but I took him for granted.

I had to be far away from him to be close to him. I am thankful that I have learned this before *touchwood* he actually dies.

As for action figures, I overlooked some files in my memory. Halfway writing this post out I remembered that I had an Ultraman action figure that I so so so loved. I showered with it, slept with it and even ate with it. I was a big ultraman fan.

It looks like my internal dilemma is finally solved. I do have all those three things afterall.

I hate titles!

2009-01-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Just posting this short post in between my revision.

I learned something new today which is love doesn't necessarily come with respect.

You may have loved or have learned to love someone, but it does not mean that you respect your loved ones with the respect he/she truly deserves.

Love is anything but emotions.

Love does not work on love alone. "Love" is based on trust, commitment, compromise and understanding.

That's how I percieve it.

Mood Swings

2008-12-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

I swear I hate being a girl sometimes. I don't know if its my craziness, my hormones or chemical imbalances in my brain, but I have been having serious bouts of mood swings! I'll be crying one time and then getting angry the next. It bothers me so much early in the morning when it strikes the worst.

Poor Amir. He has been sooo patient.

Girls...got any idea on how to overcome hormonal mood swings?

Fairness and all.

2008-12-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

I met a bunch of audacious bachelors whom I've known through Amir. They hold one principle close to their heart and its simply- "Life is unfair so we have to be selfish".

For these boys, life is by nature unfair and therefore they would have to take charge of our life which is by being selfish. Its undeniable that each one of us are inherently selfish one way or another, but these boys gave selfish a whole new level of meaning.

Mainly they apply this brotherhood motto mostly in their relationships. Regadless of how faithful and sweet their girlfriends are, they still believe that they need to cheat. They believe that cheating is part of being a man and that it lets them grow as an individual.

All of you must understand that these escapades of theirs are not done sparingly but mostly done if given any opportunity.

In my point of view, young men are always fiery and experimental. Besides, men just have higher tendency to wander around and stick their beak into unknown territory. I understand their condition but I entirely disagree on their simple or perharps reckless assumption of life which is "Life is unfair".

These men are born and bred in a wealthy Persian family. They are gifted the chance to make choices in life and are also privileged to make mistakes in their life as much as they want, and yet they find life unfair. This is the most puzzling part to me.

One thing that I would like to clarify is that I am not enraged by their principle and that I am not aiming to criticize their actions. I am just puzzled by the term unfair.

It just dawned to me that I have never once heard myself complained that life is unfair. There have been few occassions where I have been taken for granted, but I have never felt like life is unfair. This is not surprising in my case as I have a good family who support me, the chance to choose any school I like to attend, eat whatever I want and etc.

So would anybody please enlighten me on how life could be unfair? How do you define justice?

If you were born in a condition that you don't desire, it doesn't necessarily mean life is mistreating you. It could just be probability that you were born in Malaysia when you wished to be born in America. Or perharps it could be destiny that decides your fate. If you believe in the latter then its safe to assume that you believe in a higher power. If that's the case, do u believe that this higher power that you believe in is unfair and unjust?

Justice is such a subjective and personal concept. What is seem fair to you may be seemed as unjust to me. Just because things does not go as we wished, can we easily blame life to be unfair?

Please open up my eyes.

Simba

2008-11-20T13:04:00.000-08:00

I know how much SarahC loves puppies, so I'm gonna post up pictures of my new doggie!

Just wanna make Sarah go "awwwwww"...

Well if u didn't, at least I did. hehe

Ok...back to c4. Im tired of this shit...=.='

Who are you?

2008-11-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

As I stood in front of the translucent fridge that encased the white wine bottles, a soft reflection of myself was carved. With hair tightly pulled back, white collar shirt neatly pressed,and a crisp white apron clinging onto my hip-I tilted my head to the side and smiled quietly. I liked what I see.

I liked it because I had a sense of identity that I have been looking for and at that moment I was a passionate waitress.

But as time passes by, that same sense of identity diminished little by little.

"This is not who I want to be and this is not what I want to do any longer", says the voice in my head.

Doubts lingered in my head but it was never enough to spur a decision. And so I lingered and lingered in the restaurant.

Then, one fine day arrived and it changed everything. Gently I walked around guests that were attending a cocktail party in my restaurant and offered them tid bits from my tray. I flashed a big smile along with a sharp eye contact to initiate. I finished up my tid bits faster than the rest and glad that I won this time around. Feeling a little tired, so I stood at the bar and looked into the dimly lit room that were flooded by confident and well-dressed youngsters and oldies alike. Air of aristocracy surrounded them and passionate conversations continued as they slowly sipped in their wines. A surge of envy flooded my heart and a big part of me wants to be inside rather than being outside. At that point, I knew I had enough.

Everybody around me is pursuing their passion day by day and here I stood serving people that I don't know. I failed to recall my passion. I was lost and asked myself, "Who am I now that I've forgotten my passion?"

I was a traveller. A crazy traveller who would give any chance to embark on the journey of the unknown. A traveller who would empty herself upon each journey just so that she could come back soaked with the foreign culture and idealogies. A traveller who loves getting lost along the way as she believes its the journey that matters and not the destination.

As soon as she found out all the years she planted this dream were futile, she lost her sense of identity. Even this job was supposed to serve her big travelling dreams.

As I type all these words, I am still asking myself who am I now if I'm no longer passionate? I am a student? A daughter? A sister or a girlfriend?

It doesn't matter with what term your normally associate yourself with but most importantly, you must be passionate in it.

So who the fuck am I now?

Johnny.

2008-09-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

June once told me that she doesn't like keeping pets in her house because she believes all animals should be kept free and wild.

We should never domesticate any animals despite the fact that they have already been tamed such as cats and dogs.

I disagreed because the biggest love i could give is to animals. I love animals unconditionally-especially Johnny.

She used to be free and wild. Roaming around the hood looking for food, shelter, water, and companion. She was good alone.

Then I came into her life. Visited her every evening at the park. I patted her, played with her, fed her and as time passes by, she trusted me. She manifested this trust by following me home and never went back to her residing place at the park. Slowly we domesticated her. First through feeding her outside of our house, and then we let her play in our garden and then at night we let her sleep in our garden. Now she has given birth to four puppies in our own home and have made them as our family.

The most horrible thing that one could do is betray someone's solemn trust given to you. Although Johnny is just a dog, but I perceive her as a creature whom have trusted and loved us. But we betrayed her trust.

It was not my intention to do it. It was never my intention to send you away to SPCA but I had to.

Now I feel like I have done the biggest mistake by bringing you home in the first place. I should have let nature dealt with your fate because I believe she knows better than everyone else. My opinion of what's good and bad for you is vacuous compared to what nature holds for you.

I'm sorry that I interfered and now I'm on a crossroad.

Should I interfere into your life again or should I leave you alone now?

If only you could speak Johnny and June, you were hundred percent right.

sombre

2008-09-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

It feels awful when everyone around you has got a company except for you at your times of need.

The feeling of attachement can be overwhelming when you have trusted upon the people your heart but each of one them shuts their doors on you intendedly or unintendedly.

It is true when they say that, you should have only one love in your life-which is yourself.

Embrace thyself and be thyself best companion.

But...There is a catch.

When you become self-sufficient, people around you will stop relying on you as well. And that is when the vicious cycle starts. From self sufficiency, you will begin to lose all the people you used to rely on one by one as they start looking for other things to fulfill themselves. Soon you'll realise that you have lost a shoulder to cry on, a pair of ears that you could borrow for your sorrows, and a cheerful voice that could lift the sombre clouds from your brows.

I am in that place now.

Friends are not objects that can be used at your disposal. So lighten up Zeph!

Let's put on a fake smile and enjoy a cup of tea with each other!

2008-09-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

"All the world's as stage, and all the men and women merely players".

Out of all the ingenious words uttered and written by Shakespeare, this particular line has captured the world and remained as the most popular quote due to its veracity.

Many of us would not like to admit that we are real life actors and actresses who put on different masks each day to each different people. We pretend to be somebody who "we" are not for abundance of reasons. Do you remember the time that you sneaked out of the house and pretended to be such an innocent angel the next time you saw your parents? Or the time that you pretended to be friendly to your next cubicle colleague despite the fact how much you abhor his personality? Or probably the time you pretended to fast or be vegetarian so that you could get along with your current peers?

Everybody pretends! So why the negative air about it?

The word pretence seems to resonate a feeling of digust from many people and its often being tied to the adjective "faker". Everybody is in the chase for "real-ness" or in fact to anything that is close to reality , and that is why many despise people who posses this characteristic.

But many have forgotten that its impossible to remain one dimensional in this multi dimensional world. One would have to deceive and be deceived.

If everyone hates pretences, then we shall not forget that the pretenders too may not fully enjoy his pretences as well. Many pretend just because they fall victim to social pressures- to gain acceptance and warmth. Many yearns for the loving embrace of society and that phenomena can be explained as simple human nature or in fact a nature of every animals in the kingdom. Hence the famous proverbial; No man is an island.

All the characteristics of people are akin to all the flavours that colour this world. Some are spicy and some are sweet, some can even be spicy and sweet. One must come ready with a myriad of tastebuds to fully soak in the wonders of the flavours. The same concept applies in real life where a person must come with multiple personalities to peacefully co-exist with its fellow inhabitants.

Could one truly define one's true personality? As my fellow good friend SarahC reinstated that, each one of us are like the tabula rasa. We started into this journey of life as a blank slate. "And upon life, layers of our own experiences ,build up of others' influences; we become who we are today.Individuals who consist of a mix of existing elements which definite combination makes us uniquely; ourselves."

Being the creature that forever learns from our own personal experiences and absorbs teachings from others, we continously evolve into a different creature each day. No man can be the same man that he was yesterday. Each minute we breathe, learn, spectate and feel, we have added new thoughts that would forever change us little by little.

So, could we fully pretend when we have no fixed personality?

Homegirl Gotta Learn.

2008-07-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I have learned a new philosophy.

It is better to keep quiet and listen, rather than proving to everyone how right you are.

Thanx to Xia Xue and her defamatory remarks.

Homegirl has got some self-esteem issue and she reminds me of one of those rigid conservatives that you often encounter when drastic changes take place and she can't afford to cope with it.

No wonder, I "partially" stopped blogging. Never knew bloggers can be so annoying.

Bet Xia Xue didn't have a single inkling regarding publication laws, freedom of expression and such. Thank god I studied law. = )

random

2008-06-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

The term human rights has never been much heatedly discussed until Second World War. After, the genocide, the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and oppression, the world felt that a sense of basic rights and justice must be structured.

Hence, the creation of human rights.

I am not against the idea of human rights, neither am I a big fan of it because I believe that nobody should feel about a political agenda so passionately. When a person gets too passionate, it becomes a weak spot, and when manipulated, the whole body crumbles.

I do agree that, human rights are not solely a political agenda as it comprises other law related aspects such as justice, fairness and such topic, but here is the real deal-

Where is the limit? To what extent is freedom good for the people? Who decides that such amount is required by all countries?

From what I have gathered, who decides on these matters are by the "pioneers" of human rights, such as the UN, America, some part of the EU and . Anywhere else in the world, human rights lax behind, and these governments are deemed as "unfair" and plain "cruel".

Killing and stripping another person's life has always been considered inhuman and unfair, without a doubt. But still who am I to decide this? Matters such as laws, rights, morality are all subjects that have a wide grey area that no one can truly be passionate about one thing and discard other ideologies.

If everyone is so passionate about human rights, then why do they still believe that guys like Fritzl should be castrated, murdered, and be ass raped?

Just because has done something inhumane? If you believe it to be so, then whatever happened to your stand that all humans deserve the right to live and have a fair shair of rights to be preserved?

If you think all human deserve basic human right, then it has got be shared among the bad and the good ones.

It's called level playing game and thats basic human rights. Sometimes, I dont even think there is such thing as "level playing game".

Oppression.

2008-06-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

I never knew how oppression feels like until now.

"You don't know how it feels like to be oppressed. You work so hard and strive for the best, but it is so frustrating to have a barrier that hinders you from achieving it", as Terri once said to me earlier last year.

I have never felt this bite of injustice, the feeling of being treated unfairly, or the feeling of not getting the treatment that you truly deserve.

Some oppression can be avoided but some can't when it happens in your own family or country.

It is frustrating and inconsolable.

The more I think about it, the more I deem myself to be impatient, greedy or just plain selfish for getting mad at the situation.

Am i or am i not selfish for getting mad?

= )

2008-04-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

Although I said that I am not blogging anymore, but the occasion that I shall write is a special one for me. Never have I felt this happy in my life since I was a teeny weeny child.

My life went on as usual today. As routined, I would force myself to wake up despite the alarm blaring madly (I put the volume on max today). Went to college duh dah du dah duh dah.

To have happiness doesn't mean that something extra ordinary would have to happen, but its just those littlest things that help you grace through the day.

To begin with, I had such a wonderful lunch at delicious today. It is so rare that I get to treat myself with nice food. Had the best company for my lunch as well.

And as for dinner, I ate at TGIF with Yeong Ren. It feels so nice to be able to bring yourself into the comfortable zone and have endless conversations with your good friend. No bickering or whatsoever but just feeling the way you used to feel before situations start to change each one of you.

When I got home, I picked up the phone right away and started dialing Amir's number. We talked on the phone for almost two hours and a half and that is downright impossible. He hates talking on the phone and If i do force him to talk to me, the conversation would turn sour and silence dictates the situation. But today, everything was different and it made me feel so happy. So So So happy.

Soon after the conversation, my drunk parents got back started taking old photos out. It is amazing what old memories can do to you. The sight of the familiar but already forgotten bed sheet that u use to stare at before you doze off and the favourite shirt that you use to wear because it makes u look ultra glamorous makes you feel terrific. We laughed and teased each other. Sometimes we would even scream in horror because our mum looked ultra gorgeous and our dad look super rock and roll in his straight cut jeans and afro hair. It has been such a long time since we have bonded and it feels amazing to feel like a family again.

It may look simple and normal to all of you, but it is the simplest thing that plaster a smile on my face and today was filled with all the simplest luxury that life could offer to me and i am grateful for that. So So grateful and thats why I blogged about it. I just do not want to forget this day. = )

Bye bye

2008-02-25T02:25:00.001-08:00

My loss of faith in humanity causes me to close this blog down.

Dramatic aint it?

But I'm serious when I say I'm closing this blog down. So do not bother to check it out coz i wont be posting anything up and it will be deleted in anytime soon!

Taaa! Zeph is leaving the blog sphere.

My misery.

2008-02-05T02:42:00.000-08:00

She opens her eyes and she is finally awake. She fumbles for her watch and it says 5 pm. For most of her days, she wakes up at 5 pm and retreats to bed at 6 am. What a splendid surprise it would be if she wakes up at 12 or earlier and it would never happen unless she is forced to wake up.

This day, just on this particular day, she feels sick. She feels sick of everything. She feels sick of her boyfriend's endless silence and ceaseless problems. She is sick of universities and their ever increasing requirements, fees, competitiveness, and its yearning to increase its status. She even feels sick of her increasing appetite when matched with her ever increasing indecisiveness. It leaves her hungry most of the time as she can't make up her mind on where to eat and when to eat. Then she feels sick of her family with more emphasize on her father. She feels sick of humanity in short. All the games played in this world by humanity used to make sense to her but now she is falling out from it. All life's games and purposes seem all frivolous to her. All so so so frivolous.

If everyone's life is a movie, then the movie of her life would be The Matrix. Life is just an illusion you live with. Trapped in a dome full of lies and deceit. No concrete substances ever exist but just a life created out of a series of airy meanings and definitions.

Living as an animal seems to make more sense to her. You eat and hunt for a single purpose only which is for survival. You sleep only for one reason which is for survival. You mate with the opposite sex not because of love (a thing made out of a series of airy definitions and meanings as well) but for just one reason which is again for survival. In all its simplicity and brutal honesty, she finds more meaning in being an animal. No longer the need to quest for the real meaning behind morality or between good and evil. No more of the bullshit in finding god or the answers to the creation of the earth and cosmology.

She is just so sick of humanity. She is puzzled why people fight for religion when religion itself is nothing concrete. She is just all so puzzled by the effort mankind make in order to obtain something so frivolous in her eyes.

A knock on the door chases her out of her reverie. She looks at the door and finds a warm greeting smile from her sister. She gets out of the bed and heads for the shower. As the cold water gushes down on her head and washes all the heat away, she starts to realise that it is simplicity that she wants. The life of a lotus eater perhaps, or better yet a life of an animal or a recluse. A life where she lives just by her conscience and her conscience alone because she believes that her conscience is primitive enough to lead the life that she wants.

Just writing for the sake of updating.

2008-01-31T13:33:00.000-08:00

Every time I travel, I come back with a little gift from that far away land. Gift of memories and these memories often lead to obsessions.

Obsession, obsession, obsessions.

We obsess about things that we can never obtain and that's the beauty of acquiring one night stand.

We often take no notice of a seasoned love. We always want fresh young love that gives you the adrenaline rush. Well if it doesn't apply to you, then it does apply to me.

And when that new unblossomed sweet thing needs to forgotten for the sake of reality, it hurts deep down inside. A sweet escapade in a foreign land often gives u the magical fairy tale effect. That one fairy tale night belongs to you and not even reality would dare to interfere.

After all these escapades, I learned that reality and the usual images of love projected among us do not collide. I also learned that what you can't have would always leave the biggest impact in your life and lastly, it is all up to you to handle that situation. You can live in the past and pine for what is lost or you can take charge of your life and believe that we; as humans would always obsess for what we can't have.

If it still doesn't ring a bell in your head, then let me give you an example. Have you ever fallen in love with that absurdly expensive shoes that you just can't get it out of your mind for days? Or have you ever laid your eyes on such a beautiful person but didn't have the guts to talk to that person? I'm sure you came back thinking about that person the whole night.

I gathered all these realisations after watching Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. I had the exact situation going on in that movie.

I suggest you people give the movie a try. It's nothing much but just endless conversations between two people. Nevertheless it touched me deep down inside.

Here I wrote some sweet nothings. Wrote it on an instant and didn't bother to embellish it. Hope you people wont laugh.

I met you in an exotic island and you took my breath away. You kissed my cheeks in the beginning to tell me I love your company.When I laid down next to you, you played with my hair to tell me I hope you feel the same way about me. You moved closer to kiss my lips told me you want me.You kissed my neck and told me something passionate. But I refrained you from doing so and like a gentleman, you did. But then, you hugged me from behind and kissed my shoulders to tell me I really want you. In the end, you let me go and kissed me on the hand to tell me I shall never forget you. You told me all this with the glimmer in your eyes and the parting of your lips.

Haihhhh...I can hear you people sniggering at me!

"Did you get a wig for your hair?"

2008-01-02T11:35:00.001-08:00

I got a new hair do!

Dyed my hair and straightened it.

Aminah said I look so bitchy that she just wants to slap the bitchiness out of my face! =.='

Happy New Year you guys. I have no resolution for this year because I believe progress is an on going process and there is no need to pause on new year's eve and think of a resolution.

Taa! Goodluck with exams peeps!

Jesus hates me.

2007-12-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

The middle Easterns, Indian, Red Indians, and Chinese have one thing in common- they all believe in the existence of the Evil Eye.

Evil Eye is the source of evil and it brings bad luck in many forms to the victim. For example, the Turks or Persians believe that you should always be modest and humble whenever good fortunes come your way. Once another person senses your good fortunes, and when he or she looks at you with the eyes of envy and bad intentions, this will in return provoke the evil eyes, and calamities shall befall on you.

The Chinese and the Indians have many other "myths" regarding this but it all boils down to the same thing, which is bad luck.

Therefore we always keep the "good eye" pendant with us, or carry a charm to shield ourselves from these things- but is it for real? If we parallel this concept with the "Law of Attraction", it will make sense.

We make ourselves believe in this old folk tale that our ancestors used to tell us, and ingrain them into our mind. Once we believe such things, we open doors for those supernatural phenomenas to happen to us.

We are actually attracting all the bad luck because we believe in them and we always relate all our "coincidental" bad incidents to the idea of theEvil Eye.

But what if even a non-believer of the evil eye, experiences much calamities after each time she boasts or shows off her good fortune indirectly to a less fortunate person and thus have him looked at her with the eyes of envy?

Could it be mere coincidental ( please do note that she repeatedly suffered so much of stress and anxiety from these unfortunate events) or could it really be one of the forces or energy that do exist in this world?

Or Could it just be a mere theory that our ancestors created to make more sense of the nature of the world or is it REALLY for real?

Anyways I'm writing this because it seems like I've been plagued by the evil eye. I have been experiencing so much of bad luck in a short span of time and it seems so supernatural.

List of unfortunate events:
1) My room came down on me. Not literally but every thing imaginable is broken in my room. My air-cond, my lock, my lights, my toilet, my bed, and there is a hole in the ceiling which drips water onto my bed.

2)Moreover, my car went crazy too.

3) Drove the mini, and the window cracked. A rock flew out of nowhere and landed itself on the windshield.

4) The day after that, I lost my phone.

5)Then I lost my cam.

6)and today, my car broke down in the middle of the night. Thank god Amir was with me and that was how the evil eye dawned on me

He told me about the idea of Evil eye and it made sense. Today, I went to his house and hung out with his roommate and him. His roommate's gf canceled on him on X'mas because she doesn't want to see him. I was acting all lovey dovey with Amir and Amir asked me to stop when he saw the way his roommate looked at him.

After that, we went out and the car broke down.

Even before that, I drove the mini to his house and his roommate made such a big deal out of it. Right after that, a rock flew out of nowhere and caused a crack in my windshield.

I said these incidents could be coincidental but Amir told me that it has happened to him so many times when he boasted to other people about his good fortune.

Yet again, he believed in it and he attracted all these bad events. Or maybe it really does exist and that's how it came to existence.

Its like the chicken and the egg story.

For Mum.

2007-12-14T05:44:00.000-08:00

She is always misunderstood and that is because she always speaks her mind. Her words may be hurtful but I always find her to be better than the other person who always hide in the shadow and scrutinize for afar.

I criticize her too, and many have heard me say she needs to go to rehab and she is the worst mother in the world, but deep down inside I know she really cares. That is why I say it out loud without embarrassment, because I have came to terms with her problems and flaws.

I understand her problems, her addictions, her needs, her history and her mentality. I have come to terms with every single detail and actions she brings into the daily platter. Even so, I don't back her up when she messes up neither do I go against her at those times. I won't hide my dissatisfaction with a pretentious smile, but I will tell her out loud that she is being lousy and she is causing problems. I scream at her in public too and sometimes I even close the door on her face when she is acting irrational. That's me. When I love you, I give u my wrath and my love. As simple as that.

So who is being the bad guy here? I am the bad guy to my mum when I scream in her face and I am the bad guy to my siblings when I support her in her time of needs . I am basically- Neutral. This is how love supposed to be. Doesn't mean when you love someone, you back them up in every single situation nor you embellish them with words of praises and sometimes even dilute the truth with those sweet words of yours.

You have to be fair and neutral. So my dear sisters, I am not telling you to see the other light, but I am just imploring you to be understanding and fair. Take her as she is and not less or more.

She may not be perfect and she may have said words of dagger, but after all the chaos and the misunderstanding, she lets everything go. She embraces you into her arms again after all the mishaps and the hurtful words you have uttered. In this game with her, there is no such game as the Malay game. If you are not happy, say it straight to her face- That is her style. If you are not happy with her, but shy yourself away from her and expect her to reconcile, it will never happen.

Grow up and see that nothing in this world is picture perfect.Even Bree who epitomizes the perfect housewife, also has problems of her own. So I'd say, wake up and smell reality.

The state of America.

2007-12-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

GOD BLESS YOUTUBE! It has just answered all my dilemmas. This is what I have been trying to tell Amir and all stupid Iranians out there, but they just can't see it.

I know that this video could be bias, and could have been tempered for the sake of entertainment. Hell I don't care! its sooooo stupid...Thank You God! See this vid!

Suckers!!

Your Body is a Wonderland.

2007-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

What do you think of nude art?

Honestly, I love female nude art. In fact, I wanna to pose nude for art. What could be more beautiful than a female's body? Imagine a woman laying on her bed with the soft moon light beaming over her body. The curve ever so prominent, the skin so soft and supple to the eyes, the breasts of the proportionate shape like a rain drop and primarily her face reflecting calmness and female pride.

The valley of joy and love.

I would want to do it because I love my body and I am very comfortable with my sexuality. Through nude art, I am able to express my sexuality in a very universal and beautiful way. I perceive a woman's body as a magnificent work of Mother Nature and not something explicit or forbidden as many narrow-minded men perceive it to be. I would very much want to break that perception and let people see that nudity too can be a beauty and not a taboo.

It's not only men that makes female nude art seems explicit, but women themselves make it seem so. But I won't touch on that point because when it comes to women, it gets tricky. But my point is, nude doesn't necessarily mean its sensuous and sexual. To most people, the term sensuous and sexual are deemed as degrading when women exude it openly. However, I beg to differ. Being sensuous and sexual to me, shows that you are very much in touch with your inner female prowess and you are mature enough to understand that your body is something so natural and in fact very much like the Garden of Eden.

It might seem weird for me to me compare a woman's body to the Garden of Eden, but that is the only thing that pops into my head when I think nude art because a female's body is something so heavenly to me. Okie...Dun try to say I sound like a Les, but it more than that! It's my inner artistic child talking!

The only thing that is holding me back from grabbing the camera and start posing nude is the clash of beliefs between the traditional side of me and the liberal side of me. The conservative side of me is saying that posing nude is only the western culture and by posing nude, I am actually surrendering myself to the screwed up beliefs that these westerners actually have.

On the other hand, I am so sick of these traditional values whereby a women's body should be a temple in order to preserve her dignity. The same goes for virginity, whereby a woman must be a virgin meanwhile guys can sleep around and sharpen their bed skills. Where is the equality between men and women this way? Why must I fall into all these beliefs when all these beliefs were used to objectify women? Why should I? Why should I believe all this if it doesn't apply to the society now? The society seems like a hypocritical one to me for sure. I cannot imagine preserving my virginity for my husband and knowing that there is no man out there who is a virgin anymore.

It just baffles me! My worth doesn't rely on my body, but it relies on my spirituality, my personality and my wit. It relies on my outlook towards the world. Taking care of my worth meaning taking care of myself seriously, where I only take in the positive and good energy into my life. Crappy man, crappy food, crappy sex, crappy nude art, crappy house is totally banned in my life. Only the best and finest should be in my life and this is how I value and preserve my worth!

It is all about the enrichment of the soul and I don't care if it includes sex. ; p

I may sound like I know my stand in this world, but everything still seems ambiguous to me when it comes to nude art. I don't have to show my body to make a statement and I neither do should I make an effort to hide it. What should I do?

The 1000 faces of Zephyr Gallery,

2007-11-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

Since today I'm kinda free....I'll do what mich asked me to do; post pictures of myself. Vainpot nyer...

So here we go...

1) The most Recent Picture of You.

-When was this taken?
When I was in Perth. No idea when was that.

-Where was this taken?
Perth.

2) A Picture of You making a peace sign.

-No Peace Sign. Peace and all its kinds are overrated man-

3) A Picture of You with a Friend.

-Who are you with?
Yeong Ren

*What do you wish to tell this person?
That nothing has changed between us and I value this friendship just as much. = )

4) A Picture of You Looking wierd.

I am the Queen of Wierdness. Ugly white boy made me cringed like this. Well.......It's not exactly cringing but WHAT THE HECK.

4) A Picture of You in Wierd Random Place.

-Where were you?
Damn, I am in the Simpson's kitchen with 3 cats and one of them is sitting on the over. How wierd can that be?

5) A Picture of You with Your Hair Up.

How much uglier can I get than this? Well come to think of it, I ca by 100 times more.

6)A Picture of You in Black and White.

Excuse me for flashing *ahem ahem* but thats what I do in College for a living.

7) A Picture of You with a Black Shirt.

This picture is a classic. Love it!

8) A Picture of You in a Red Shirt.

Is it red enough for you? Can't find anything in red.

9) A Picture of You in a Green Shirt.

10 )A Picture of You Looking Mad.

Well, I dun have anything picture of me looking mad-angry, but I have mad-crazy.

-Why were you mad?
Coz my parents are mad too?

Well....Im not gonna tag anyone. I'll spare you from this....this...this...thing. I have no word for it but a back breaking experience as well a time consuming thing to do. But still I enjoyed.

Maybe on second thought I'll tag Aminah! muahahha die u little monster....

Late nite study doesn't work anymore.

2007-11-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am coming to the point in my life, where everything around me changing.

Friends you knew for years are strangers to you.

Friends you have been tight with are now distant.

You know friends who are close to you now, will never be the same people again in the future.

Just so ironic.

Your mindset has changed.

As a young adult, the yearning for freedom has come. Frustration follows when you are still cooped up worse than a chicken.

Priorities has changed- Education is still important but doesn't think it needed to be rushed.

Take a chill pill. I'll be working for another 40 years of my life, why should I rush? Enjoy your student life.

Still, everything has changed.

Obsessions are bad things. Now I know why they say balance is the key to happiness.

Freedom- when will I get my freedom?

Priorities- Do I know them? If I do, why do I keep forgetting them?

Just feel like letting it out. That's all.

Note to self : Do not try studying in the middle of the night again. It doesn't work. Instead of studying, I'll be emo-ing and writting crap.

Nitez Ladies and Gentlemen.

Nothing important.

2007-11-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

I hate it how the media makes us all think that loving is easy when loving takes guts and bravery. True love that's it- not some other crappy love.

Love means pain, sacrifice, and trust. Cliche enough for you?

It's even to me too but surprisingly it's true.

Love is definitely pain because of the fact that nothing is forever. With every person you decide to love, for sure that that love has an expiry date. After that expiry date, you will feel excruciating pain and while experiencing that pain, you gotta learn to stand up and move on.

Love is definitely pain when love is no longer enough. Logically, love is never enough. You need a stable life, money, a nice job and stuff before you could decide to spend your life with that person.

But what if that person has to leave you in pursuit of that stable life? What if that person leaves you because love between you and that person is no longer enough?

Fuck this. I'm going to bed.

Just a lil bit.

2007-10-31T04:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever went on a diet but suddenly you found yourself feasting on cookies just because your mind said "Just have a lil bit of cookies wouldn't hurt" ?

Have you ever splurged so much despite the promise you've made to save some money for the week just because your mind said "It's okay to shop, just a lil bit of shopping wouldn't hurt"?

Have you even been so broke but the moment you saw your friend eating subway, you made a bee line for subway as well? At the end of the day, you told yourself it doesnt hurt to have subway once it a while, just to make urself feel better.

Or have you ever missed classes and told yourself, it's okay to have a good sleep in once awhile and miss class a lil bit?Have you ever been so surprised and worried when you found out that you have missed 4 Law classes in a row?

Or have you ever been so in love and just told yourself it's okay to come back just half-and hour later from your date and before you knew it, you have have spent 4 hours extra with that person and your dad is nagging you to come home?

Have you ever pamper yourself unnecessarily with the "a- il-bit-of-somethin -wouldn't-hurt" excuse?

Have you ever found yourself in trouble just because of that "lil bit excuse"?

Have you ever felt so disappointed of yourself just because you indulge yourself too much in that "just a lil bit excuse"?

I know I have......

and that is why they say- sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit.

Junah in english it means, little by little, after some time it becomes a hill. It sounds wierd because its a direct translation. Ask june to translate it for you.

So Zeph, after this no more just a lil bit of excuse for you.

Liberation. Where art thou?

2007-10-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

Liberation. Where are you liberation when I need you most? I've missed you. I feel empty and trapped without you. Did I lose you because of my own actions or did you leave me?

Liberation means To set free, as from oppression, confinement, or foreign control. Liberation to me means I have the right to do anything and everything I want as long as it doesn't cross the "boundaries". I can go out in the middle of night without telling anyone about it; that's my liberation. I can date a guy but still have the right to befriend whoever I want, doesn't matter if he or she likes me even more than a friend should; that is liberation to me.

When I do any of these liberating actions, I do not expect any objections because I belong to me! I am mine and not yours. I can be flexible and tolerating, but when I expect something not to be questioned or be ruffled, I EXPECT IT TO BE THAT WAY. When my expectations are respected and understood by someone that I love; that too is a liberation of choice for me.

So tell me, If i proceed into life with these principles because I believe my life to be solely mine, is this disrespectful? Is it rude to you?

If I am in a relationship (there are many non-spoken rules and principles), and I intent on being this way, is it rude or disrespectful? I don't ask for much, but I ask to have a few moments in my life where I don't have to share any single detail of my outing with you, and why I went out the house at 6 am in the morning without telling you, and why I sleep on the couch instead of sleeping with you on the bed. Those little minor things are liberation to me. I just feel like doing them on impulse, and I expect you to understand.

Is it rude to make a decision without taking you into consideration just because we are in a relationship and everything in a relationship meant to be shared? Is it too much to ask for a little space and a little room void of doubts and questions? I just want to do the things I want without having to ask anyone beforehand and without having anyone questioning me afterwards.

Is it too much?

questions. herrmmm

2007-09-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

Don't have much to write. No inspirations except for a few questions circling in my head like

How many fine lines are there in the world like the fine line between stupid and clever, love and mental illness or hate and love? how many fine lines are they actually? curious...

Secondly, can you truly love someone if you don't trust them fully? does trust come alongside with love or are they two separate element? Which one do you think?

Thirdly, I have learned that to make a well functioning society, it needs social pressure. I know this contradicts my principles but on second thought, I agree with this statement. However, In 21st century there is no such thing as gender, religion or race anymore. Nobody wants to be associated with these terms but wanting to just be a person. A human or a soul. They just want to be them and not be recognised as a muslim, or black or a female. Their main aim is

TO BE A GOOD PERSON. thats all. As simple as that. I agree with this idea and so do I believe in social pressure.

What are the consequences of individualism? R they really good?

I don't know. Gonna read up on that.

Temptations!

2007-09-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

I need to stay far away from AMAZON!

It's killing me with temptations!

Cd Obsessions + Availability of credit card + convincing comment from consumers + great choices = Make Zefer mad!!

That's why I'm blogging, so that I can divert attention away from Amazon. I am trying to fight the temptation to get Daddy's credit card and buy some really expensive lounge cds.

Help!

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

2007-09-06T01:22:00.000-07:00

On Valentine's Day, people receive and give flowers. Some got chocolates, cards, romantic candle-lit dinners, and other handmade stuff. To me, they are all superficial.

On Valentine's day, someone gave me a cat, and I believe that someone is God. On Valentine's day, I found a kitten in Meru playing with a dog. It was an adorable sight to see a kitten frolicking around with a dog that is three times his size.

I stopped my car at the side, and got down to see the kitten. A lady came up behind me and asked "would you like to have that kitten since you like it so much?".

I replied "Definitely, that's the purpose why I stopped by here, next to your house, to get it."

She put him in a box and gave him to me.

Henceforth, he was known as the Valentine Cat.

I called him Tux, then batman, and then blackie. Nothing suited him. My mum called him Louis, and Richer. My dad on the other hand, called him young man but most of the time, my parents referred to him as their "cucu". The name doesn't matter to us, because deep down in our heart he still meant the same because a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. He was still that mischievous, evil, butt-licking and hyper cat. He too, as cheesy as it sounds, showed us love.

Now, as I'm typing this I can't stop the tears from wetting my cheeks.Now it's different to come home and not see a black sprawling on the white marble floor. Now its different to stay at home and not have a black cat to carry around the house. It's definitely the hardest for my parents as they don't have a black cat to bring to bed with. My mum can't stop crying when she was about to go to sleep. Nothing feels the same anymore. His loss made us all feel empty.

It feels good to love, but with its goodness, pain is sure to come by. That's why I said he showed us love - because to love him is what we can do best, but his death, is....probably not the hardest thing to accept, but it is undeniably hard to accept. That love he showed us, gave us pain in the end.

Probably his death seemed incomprehensible to me yesterday, as disbelief filled me in and numbed me from all emotions. But when the numbness goes away, you are bound to feel all that emotions tripled its intensity. Probably its hard for most of you to understand, how a cat can cause such "grief" among the family, but when you pour your love towards something, doesn't matter a human being or an animal, its loss will sure cause pain.

Goodbye Louis. Hope you're doing good wherever you are. It feels as if your still here, but hiding under the table or up in the roof, away from our sight like you always do whenever you feel overwhelmed by our constant attention. = )

Now that you're not here I miss snuggling my nose under your fat cheeks and suck in your smell like how a mum does to her baby.

Superheroes and their stupidity.

2007-09-03T04:47:00.000-07:00

Stories of Superheroes often end with triumph. However along the journey to fight evil and save the world, these superheroes always yearn to be ordinary. Other people would die to be the object of admiration and hope, but these superheroes just want to be normal. Even better a plebeian - hidden from scrutiny and the burden that comes with hope and expectations.

There is Spiderman who finds his gifts as a curse and always yearn to be like any other normal human being out there who could love. Superman, Batman and others just feel the same too. After watching these superheroes movies, I felt comforted to be normal and ordinary.

If being normal is all that great, why do I feel it sucks to be ordinary?

Today a bunch of ex-Help-ers who made it to Oxford and Cambridge came to give us a talk. They talked about how to ace the interviews and the tests in order to gain acceptance into these Universities. Well it seems that these interviews and tests require good thinking skills, and other brainy stuff that I feel I lack so much of.

If were to be in their position, I don't think I can go very far. I feel like I am just not good enough. After the talk, it makes me feel so ordinary. Just so common. Everybody shines in their own way, but it seems that I'm the only one who's plain and who doesn't maximize her talents and her capabilities. I am dull like the rock.

So much of wanting to be ordinary you Superheroes. Just stay the way you are coz u wouldn't want to feel as useless as I do now.

Can you stop asking me if we have ever progressed? Doh!

2007-08-31T05:49:00.000-07:00

50 years of Independence, have we really progressed?

When I first saw that question in msn, posted by one of my "friends" in his private message box, I seeped in anger.

I thought to myself, this is typical of Malaysians. So so so typical..Just because you don't see the progress with you own eyes, doesn't mean we haven't progressed.

Doesn't mean our country doesn't look anything like New York or London, we haven't progressed.

Doesn't mean that we are no way comparable to the western countries, we haven't progressed.

Besides, we are not the westerners. DUH!

Miss C asked me a valuable question which is; What is progress?

Until today I've been asking myself, what is progress. I didn't even realise that we define the word progress the same way as the westerners. So do other youths, and that's why we keep on thinking that we haven't progressed.

I know Malaysia has its own shortcomings. For example, inequality among races. That can be translated as backwardness if we compare ourselves to America or U.k

But if we compare ourselves to other developing nations, we are so much better than them. However, Terri asked me a good question. She said, "If we keep on comparing ourselves to other third world nations, when will we ever progress?".

True...I can't say anything to that.

But let me tell you something, comparing is not the way to go. That's why people say, do not compare yourself with anyone in a competition. You compete against yourself and always make yourself better.

So, If I compare Malaysia 50 years ago and Malaysia now, have we progressed?

Hell yeah we have...Our GDP stands at upper middle class and our economy is booming. It might seems that we have incapable leaders and the oh-so-fragile Pak Lah, but if only we put ourselves out of the dome, out from our place and look from another perspectives.....Surely we have progressed.

Every country has its flaws, that's a given, but if we look hard enough, you will see the good side. If only you look with an open eye, sure enough you will find something comforting to see.

I have been looking hard enough, and I know we are doing every well. Thank you very much to those who kept on saying "HAVE WE PROGRESSED?".

This is not New York, damn it! During the early twenties, the Americans have shifted to Industrialized economy, but where were we? We were still colonized and we were still practicing agricultural economy.

So how can we expect Malaysia to be like New York now, when their growth started a long time ago?

From agrarian economy, we have shifted to industrialized economy, and we are now heading towards services type economy. We are working our way; not only in economy, but also in many other aspects.

So please stop thinking that Malaysians still live on trees.

P/s: I'm sorry if I sound angry, in fact I am but not to all of you. Only to one. You see, I don't know this person and I don't know why I have him in my Msn. But he pissed me off and I can't make any comments, coz I don't know him. However, I do believe that most of the youths in Malaysia can't stop thinking how bad Malaysia is progressing. It bothers me inside to think about it, because I love my country.

Yet again, not because of my "advantages". I don't even plan to use them! But because what I can find here is so sacred. I can't find it anywhere else.

Men and Frustration!

2007-08-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

When I try to be witty, men find me annoying.

When I try to be flirtatious, men find me weird. Thus they often ignore me.

When I try to be friendly, men run away.

When I'm angry, they find me deranged.

When I try to be normal, they are not used to the stark contrast between the normal me and the fake "normal me".

They only like me when I'm quiet and stiff as a doll.

But when I open my mouth, they run away. Do I have stinky breath?

I just don't understand male creatures. People claim the male creatures are easy to understand, but not to me.

It's because, whatever I try to do or try to say, they often do not want to respond to me. Do i send wrong signals?

They often run away when I show interest in them. That is funny because I only show my interest if only you are interested.

When I am not interested in you and I act accordingly, you seem to get closer to me.

*sighs*

Am I really slimy or something?

What 50 years of indepence means to me.

2007-08-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Often after Lit class and its Asia Vs Western debate, I would wonder if we, Asians would stop over worshiping their cultures. I can't deny that I have been westernised to a certain extent but I can't help it, in fact not many Asians could escape this influence due to colonisation, easy excess to media mass and other expansionary tools.

In fact, we can't help but succumb to the standards that the westerners put upon us. To their standards, we are a still a 3rd world country and according to them we still live on trees. We surrender to their mind washing ideologies and that they are the super powers of the world.

What ever happened to our most prized dynasty and trade power? The Asian countries used to be looked upon as the richest region of the world as we are the main supplier to the western countries, ranging from necessities such as spices and tea to luxurious items such as silk, gold, and jewels.

We were the trading super powers especially in India and China. Did we also forget that our country used to be a flourishing trading spot and that we used to have a strong empire and influential rulers? We tend to forget our strengths and our worth easily, and that we don't hesitate to admire the west. We youth often say we should be more like the Europeans or we should be more like the Americans, but whatever happened to appreciate our traditions and cultures?

I believe it is okay to look to the west for the sake of advancement, but like Miss C say, why do we look at the westerners as a benchmark? Why don't we look back to our history and try to reenact our glory days? To me it is okay to admire, but aren't we over worshiping them when we try to disavow our beliefs and cultures just because the Westerners can't comprehend them or find them ridiculous?

But I think everything is changing now. Countries such as India, China and Malaysia are regaining our glory days through our economy. We are young boomers and this is particularly not new to us- to be a wealthy and powerful nation because we've had it once and it's coming back to us again, slowly. This is what 50 years of independence means to me ; to be able to shake off the power of colonisation and becoming the striving nation that we used to be before the westerners cast their shadows over us.

I am yello coz I have Jaundice!

2007-08-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have been simpsonized and this is how I look!

I have my three cats with me and of course my house! Im a homebody and of course I prefer my home to anywhere else. Especially, my a kitchen! favourite place!

I so don't look the same! I don't look hot in here! Somebody gonna get sued!

LoL..if you want to be simpsonized do go to www.simpsonizeme.com!

Something that I don't like to hear.

2007-08-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

What you hate will never change, but what you like will always change. Random? I know. So these are the statements I strongly dislike coming from a person.

1) "You are way too young to think about these things".

I know you mean good and you want me to stop thinking about pointless stuff, but it annoys me. People who always underestimate me because of my age ticks me off.

2) I hate this when it comes from a teacher " I don't have to explain this at all because it's not in your syllabus." or it goes " I don't think I should answer your question because it's too far off from what you're learning".

I know you are trying to save time here, but I really appreciate it if a teacher teaches for the sake of knowledge and not for the sake of exams only.

3) "Wow Zefer, you impressed me today. I never expected from you to say such things".

I know you mean good and you want to praise me, but hey by saying " you never expected" something rational and intelligent from me is insulting. You're trying to say that you always think of me as a empty headed person and I am a bimbo. I may act stupid or bimbo-is but I can't be showing off how intelligent I am when there is no need to right? So dun judge!

4) I really dislike someone when they make a negative conclusion from something I've said innocuously . It's like when I say "It amazes me why guys feel the need to protect girls and must preserve their gentleman image" and then you say "Fine, I won't pay for your food anymore since you say things like that". Sorry Yeong Ren for taking an excerpt from our conversation, but it seems to be the easiest to remember.

It helps alot if you stop jumping to conclusion or you ask me calmly what I meant when I say that particular line. It helps if you listen with an open mind rather than a critical mind.

I know it's random, but I just got to lay it down before I forget so that I can always remember what I don't like and what I like.

Exogamy or Endogamy?

2007-08-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

My mum was drunk the other day and I felt like screwing her mind a minute. This post might be offensive to a certain group of people but do know that it's nothing serious. Anyways my mum has this thing against Bollywood movies, and that's why when she sees me watching bollywood movies she will rebuke me. She will say anything in the world to make me feel embarrassed to watch it. But hey, I love Indians, India and anything that has to do with it, so knowing my mum who is a typical close minded village girl, who could never understand the concept of universalism (i.e accepting the skin colour black), I don't pay her any mind.

Note: I have pointed out the weaknesses of my mum (typical, uneducated, close minded, village girl). Therefore I do not want to see any hateful messages in my tagboard. Keep an open mind to this post. If you have anything to protest, say it in a mature manner where we can discuss it but not fight about it. Okay! Back to the point...

Anyways, my mum was drunk and she was nagging me to death, so I thought why not I spite her to death so that she can shut up. I said "Ma, I really like Indians and I think I'll get married to one (I am serious about this okay)". She kept quiet and gave me a face. Then I continued to say, "I can get married with an Indian and Aminah can get married to Africans".

She kept quiet for awhile and then started wailing aimlessly. She was wailing something about go pack my bag and leave the house, if I wont do it then she will. Then I said "Okay, what If i get married with a chinese?"

"Can"

"Mat Salleh?"

"Can"

"Mamak?"

"Can"

"Thais?"

"Can".

Then she concluded and said "You can get married with whoever you want except Indians and Africans". Clearly my mum has got issues against the colour black and that is the only one thing I loathe about her.

She then said "Why don't you get married with a malay? Get married with a person who has your same background and you'll be happy".

I said "No way, Malay men are stupid". Then again I do have issues you see, just like my mum but my problem is against my own race.

So the question is, is it better to have an exogamy marriage ( The custom of marrying outside the tribe, family, clan, or other social unit.) or an endogamy marriage (marriage within one's own tribe or group as required by custom or law)?.

Probably the answer is obvious which is endogamy marriage, but not to me. My whole existence is a make up of exogamy marriages. From my great-grandparents to both my parents. Even my siblings are crossing borders when it comes to choosing a partner. My first brother got married with a half fillipino and half malay, my second brother is getting married to a christian Indonesian, and my sister too has crossed the border in a different manner which I do not need to explain any further.

It's simple! Our family just can't get married with the same type! But it is this same element that makes my family chaotic and dysfunctional too. That's why in the Al-Quran, it encourages marriage within the same type and in the bible it says get married with those of the same yoke. Suprising;y, it is true in J.lo's case. She has been with a white man, black man, and half black man, and none worked. But when she met Marc Anthony, everything changed! Probably because they are of the same yoke which is Hispanic.

But I can't help but love the fusion of two cultures. Besides having to learn different cultures and crossing borders together is a strengthening element for a marriage. It in a way, opens your eyes and make you appreciate each other more. There is nothing more special than a couple trying to adapt and sacrifice for each other's different needs and beliefs. But in this case it either breaks you or makes you stronger. It's on the two end of extremes. It's complicated, but hey who said any kind of marriage is simple?

So the questions are still circling in my head ; Why can't I get imagine getting married of the same yoke and why do I prefer crossing borders? Is it genetic or is it something I learned along the way? And definitely I can't help but question, which marriage is better ; Endogamy or Exogamy? Probably there can't be an answer, but I can't help but question the veracity of both marriages.

P/s: I do not want any hate messages ok? If I do get one, and be able to track you down, I swear I will come and scare the shit out of ur pants! I've had enough of your cowardice. Wanna say it, then say to my face and with your real name too. Not with the name anon, panda or some shit hole names. Got it? = )

Acceptance.

2007-08-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

Acceptance. Seems like a small word but it does wonders to your life.

When you accept your flaws and strengths, you are contented with yourself. No more hoping and wishing to be wiser, funnier or thinner cause you know everyone is different and unique. SO you are happier.

When you accept someone's apology, you accept their wrong doing towards you. You are no longer filled with anger and hatred. Therefore it makes you a better person.

When you have accepted the harshness of reality, you'll create a sanctuary of your own to retreat from all the haphazardness in the world.

When you accept your mistakes and your losses, you will no longer feel like a loser because you've learned every human makes mistakes. Then you can move on to repair your damages and set more energy for a better future.

I may or may not have made a mistake. That mistake has resulted in a lost of someone who I think is a waste to lose. Someone that I think I shouldn't be losing due to my insecurities. But I've lost him and I know it's impossible to get him back. I thought I've moved on and so did everyone else, but every night before I go to bed I feel a sense of lost and I feel stupid for losing that someone.

But I've forgotten that I'm only human and still so young and that I am bound to do a mistake or two. Sometimes I forget to remind myself that in every misfortune there is a blessing. Like how they say when there is a door closed, there will be a window opened.

So maybe I should learn to accept my mistake and my lost, but sometimes accepting is the hardest thing to do. Maybe I should try and try even harder because I know there is nothing else I can do but let go.

I've realised that when you don't accept things around you, you'll be greedy and disgruntled. Once you're in that state, nothing is satisfactory and the world seems unfair to you. We pine for what we can't have, that's why we are always unhappy.

It's high time for me to accept the reality, stand up and walk ahead into to future.

I feel happy...Dou feel happy?

2007-08-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

Some people say you feel good because you just want to feel good and not because the things around you are revolving perfectly in your life. But sometimes things could be the other way round, just like how I feel now where I feel perfectly lucky and blessed knowing that my life is going perfectly fine.. Knowing things around me are good, it makes me feel good too.

Why shouldn't I when I have friends who love me best like my school mates? We seldom talk and meet up but I do know they care for me.

Why shouldn't I feel blessed when I not only have friends who love me but understands and inspires me like my college mates? We can talk for hours and hours and never get bored of each other. I love these lots.

Last time I needed a boyfriend to share my pain, my sorrow, my happiness and my questions with. Event hough they were my supporters, they were only temporary. Besides the heart ache is too much too handle from these people. But now I have a friend who not only listens to my grumblings everyday but spares his time for me and minus the heart ache too!

Things couldn't get any better for me as I'm blessed with so many many friends that not only love me, but understand, inspire and spend their time with me. Things were not the same for me back then. I hadn't meet these people and life were pretty much like an island.

Friends are not the only reason why I feel blessed but the age that I am in now. I am 18 now. With this age, comes more freedom and this freedom is adequate for me. I feel fine with how much freedom I'm getting now cause like Sarah says, freedom comes with responsibility.

So I am pretty much contented with what I have. Free food at home, free electricity, water, free groceries, and pretty much free everything. Eventhough everything is free, I still get my allowance every week. Not only that, I can go out whenever I want but I do have to come back early. But the free "everything" outweighs that little shortcoming.

My family has also settled down. No more fights, no more mayhem, no more late nights havoc. Every body is older and everybody is much wiser. Everybody has learned to tolerate each other. I couldn't feel anymore happier.

I have no boyfriend too. That's such a highlight for me cause I can ogle at anyone I like and flirt with whoever I want. I don't have any more heart ache and worries. I don't have to share my time with him at the expense of my studies.

But come to think about it, not many people could realise how blessed they are until they have lost everything that is so dearly to them. So I could be feeling happy because I just want too. Whichever way it is I don't care cause as long as I'm happy. Not to forget that I have my MP3 to accompany me whenever I go. Life is no longer an island for me. *Zefer cheers*

Best Friend Forever.

2007-08-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how we try to stop using the word best friend as much as possible when we get older? Even though how special that particular person is to you as a friend you will refuse to call that person as your "best friend" but you rather call them as you "good friend" only. Sometimes, you even scoff at the word best friend and say "what kind of term is that?".

It's funny how we refuse to revisit our childhood time when friends mattered the world to you and the word "Best Friend forever" lived vividly in your mind. Somehow, we never doubted the particular word during our childhood time. You were so sure that you will and always be friends, and a matter of fact best friends till the end of time. That's the power of innocence and naivety. It makes you believe in something so strongly no matter how many times people tell you that it's impossible to do so and how other various factors around the world can change you and your mindset. But no, we still want to believe it so.

I miss those time when you don't see the world as a force that is going against you and everything seemed bright and merry. Innocence of a kid I'd say and how much I want it back. When you've learned the reality of the world, you can't live in your bubble anymore.

I'm digressing here...But the point is only in a certain moment of your life friends mean everything to you but as you grow older the word friend or best friend starts to fade away slowly until you don't believe in friendship anymore. It's funny how humans work that way. It's intriguing how we try to deny of having "best friends" in fear of being called naive in your adulthood. Whatever...I still want to believe in BFF cause good friend is only a substitute for best friend. It doesn't matter in any way.

I have a new sex!

2007-08-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yupe you've read correctly. I have a new sex not a new sex change. hehe

He gives me orgasm immediately I turn him on.

He is black but sleek.

He is my new mate. My new passion

He's my favourite past time. Can't stop filling him in...

He is my first Mp3 player. Sony sound cancelling mp3 player. The mp3 player soundaholics.

You can hear everything in a song. N the bass is superb!

Just put it on your ears, turn it on and you'll orgasm. I swear.

Pssst! I bought it for only 699 when the real market price is 899! Im a lucky bitch!

Alpha males.

2007-08-11T03:26:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower and suddenly the thought of Alpha males came into my mind. Actually I was thinking of someone and that someone happened to be an Alpha Male. So I traced back my memory and thought of the things he did that I loved. All the alpha male things that he did that made me melt.

I just love alpha males 'coz;

1)They are bold.

He approaches you out of a sudden and out of nowhere. He will boldly sit down or stand next to you and introduce himself to you. In a way it makes my selection of men easier. You see I've always been a shy person around guys that I like. I will blush like a red Washington apple and be dumbfounded. The stupidest remark will come out from my mouth. Then I have to think of million ways to make him look my way. Not only that, I am so afraid of rejection that I prefer to gaze at him from afar than make myself known. Now you know why I like Alpha males cause they make things much easier for me. It's either I reject them or I get together with them. Easy!

2) They love the chase

They love it when girls play hard to get. They keep on chasing and chasing you till you have nowhere to run. They make you feel helpless. I love it too when I can torture a guy in this game! *evil grin*

3)They are confident.

I love this part in a man. He is so confident in himself that he is not afraid to flaunt it. Not flaunt it in a manner of bragging but by the way they carry themselves. They know how to look good, put on the right perfume that matches their confidence, and they know how to walk and talk. I love that attitude in man where he knows what he's doing and where he's going. Apart from that, they in a way make things much easier. They are confident in their choices that they always know how to set a good date. They know which restaurant to go to, which food to order for you or to recommend to you. They make me feel like a lady.

4)They are dominant and aggressive.

Yupe! I can't deny how much I love this trait in a guy. He knows how to make his moves and when to make his moves. He doesn't kiss you like a sloppy meek teenage boy, but he grabs your back and pull you closer to him. When he kisses you he knows where to put his hands on you. He takes control over you and make you feel so weak. They are so much better in bed. I don't want to explain it in full details here but I have to say that they know what they are doing. Enough said.

5) They love bossy girls.

Being bossy themselves, they just can't help feeling turned on by girls who order them around. They say it's good for their ego. Whatever you say fellow male creatures. I am a bossy girl and I like it when a guy likes me being bossy. It works both ways. hehe

6)They love sports

Most males love sports and that's a given fact but Alpha males love to play 'em! I just love seeing a guy struts his stuff on the court. Being all sweaty and focused. Besides I love being the cheerleader; coming to his games and prepare him his drinks, towels and what not. I like being a supportive girlfriend and this is how I show them that I care. But mind you, I do not like to be treated as a slave ok?

7)They are simple minded.

They can be somewhat like Homer Simpson. When a girl like me thinks too much and over-complicates things, their simple mindedness make things easier for me cause they have their priorities straight. They have a firm outlook on life and have reasons to back them up. Confident I would say...

8) They make good trophy husbands/ boyfriends.

I know this seems shallow but it's true. I love my boyfriend for whoever he is despite what people say about his flaws, but it's so much rewarding when you can have a boyfriend that every girls envy you for coz he is so darn perfect and treats you like a real lady. I know this sounds shallow but I will only accept guys that can pass off a standard that I can show him to my girlfriends without ever feeling embarrassed. Sue me if you're not happy, I have money! Lol!

However there are flaws in Alpha males that I strongly dislike in any male creatures such as over-braggy-ness and over-confidence. Sometimes they think they are so hot and over-gifted by god that they overlook your emotions and you thoughts. Respect, which is a very important element in a relationship, is rarely given by these men to you.

Well everything has two sides, it's up to you to decide which one you can tolerate in your life without effecting you dignity. But I still can't deny how much I love alpha males..Can anyone tell me who is a perfect example of an alpha male?

But please please please don't tell me that Alpha males are mostly players? Are they? Are they? I am so playa-phobic.

Knowing a lil bit too much helps in time of crisis.

2007-08-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

I take my words back- knowing too much helps when you are facing this kind of situation.

Watch this clip.

He spoke the truth but the way he conveys his opinion is wrong. He insulted religion.
That is the only problem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyiBvJtJ5Z4

After reading all the comments posted up by the people, I realised that they are all people who do not know the history well. Consumed by anger, they post up words of dagger which will make things worse.

When you know too much, you know how to weigh both sides of the coin. You know how to think rationally and with maturity. Therefore, thanks to my college friends who have enlightened me for the past two days with racial and religion issues I am prepared for what I have seen today.

When you know too much, you're wiser and calm.You know what went wrong and so you keep quiet. That's why people say, empty cans make more noise.

Everything laid down perfectly in front of my eyes.

petty thoughts.

2007-08-08T05:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it's better not to know so much.

What you don't know wouldn't hurt you.

Therefore, ignorance is bliss.

Who are you to call me a fool for being ignorant? Who put you in that pedestal to label me as an idiot?

No one did except for yourself.

Sometimes it's much better not to be outspoken. Sometimes it's much better not to voice every thoughts or opinions running in your head as they say empty cans make more noise.

But I can't help myself but to open my mouth and make irrelevant noises.

I just can't help being the know-it-all who speaks too much. I just can't help being myself.

Sometimes I wish I could resist the urge to stop thinking and talking. Sometimes I wish I could stop being the insistent speaker that I am. Forcing everyone to hear to my petty thoughts and sometimes nonsensical sentiments. Well sometimes I make you believe in them too till I come home and realised I made a fool of myself.

Someone...Save me from my big mouth.

Feeling lucky to be lucky.

2007-08-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on Terri's sofa and watching tv when a conversation between Junah and June started. They discussed about discriminatory matters that happened world wide starting from Europe and across the globe. Each country has experienced traumatic experiences caused by inhuman actions by monsters disguising as humans.

They talked of the Holocaust where many many Jew were tortured and killed. Then there were the disabuse of power by the Argentinian Police officers who victimised young girls by raping them, dragging them away from their shelters and shoot them. Apart from that we have the Khmer Rouge which based in Cambodia and ran its policy on dictatorship. They stripped away the rights of the Cambodians and as well as foreigners to live. I did not know there were also chaos happening in Russia but the condition in Russia is considerably safe. Then there is of course the war happening in the middle east countries that have crushed million of young kid's dream to achieve something great in their life. Their lives are so haunted by killings, war and hatred until I cannot imagine how they could still have hopes to become a doctor and a lawyer. If I were to lay down every single injustices done in the world I would not be able to stop. I just can't stop asking myself why we humans have the atrocity to do this? How can we turn so monstrous? Why do inflict pain on each other?...I have always been aware of them but I can't never feel it's pain until now.

There are so many ugliness in the world but I've failed to see them. They were so many of them that I've turned a blind eye to and yet I think the world is a place full of daisies, birds and sunshine. I have been living in a shell for all my life. It really struck me deep when I think how would it feel to be like the Palestinians who don't have a place to call home? How would it feel to live in constant fear that your life might be taken away from you any second? How would it feel having to suppress all your emotions when you are on the brink of insanity? How would it feel to be in their positions? It's beyond my capacity to feel their pain, therefore I feel fortunate.

With so many brutality happening around the world and taking place everyday I can't help but feel lucky and blessed. I am in living in a peaceful country yet I complain about it. I am living in a nice family with a good income and yet I complain about not getting to go clubbing. Knowing how fast human beings can spark chaos and destruction I can't help but to live in fear. I fear of that one day where someone takes away my rights and turn my world into an ugly place to live.

I am so fortunate to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right people. I will go to sleep today with a satisfied smile on my face.

We are all ugly. You and I.

2007-08-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I used to be angry at lot at my mum mainly for the reason she doesn't care about the Earth. I was much a nature freak who was very concerned about the ever growing pollution, the growing illegal logging and killing endangered species. I opt strongly for recycling and the other 2 Rs. But a single conversation overturned my perspective on Mother Nature.

It took place in Law class and the conversation revolves around the killing of endangered species for the sake of satisfying oneself with these delicacies. Terri and I were of course furious with the thought of breaking monkey's scalp and drink blood directly from its head while it shrieks in pain. I said that is cruel and wrong. Besides it's disgusting. But then Sarah asked, "who are you to say its disgusting when it's a a part of their culture and beliefs to do so? Just because you did not grow with such practices doesn't mean you have the right to label them as gross and cruel". That one hit me right in the head! Dang...

Then June asked us "What different are we from them?". She continued further on to say " Just because we don't kill chickens and cows with our bare hands that doesn't mean we're not as cruel as them. You don't know how they rear chickens, cows, and lambs and you don't know how they kill them. But if you do, you know you are just as cruel as they are".

Then it dawned on me, everything we do and everything we kill or destroy for sake the sake of humanity's survival is cruel. The fact that we live in air-conditioned room is in fact harming the nature. The clothes that we wear also destroy the nature to a certain extend. Everything we humans need or do destroys the Earth. In one way or another I realise we are just ugly. The more and more I think about it, the uglier the human race gets in my mind.

You know why we are ugly? We are ugly because we do not play any single role in the natural chain. Let's say, the birds, the worms, the soil, the plants and other natural beings are in the chain. They are interdependent. One cannot live without another and they each benefit each other. But once monkeys start to stand on its hind legs and become humans we obstruct the chain. We are no where beneficial in the cycle. We belong nowhere in the cycle. We do nothing but rape mother nature and destroy her.

Yet again, we can't continue to live without raping her. It is just our nature to suck the earth's resources. It may be slowly or rapidly but it is just our nature to do so. It is part of our survival. It has been since the ice age till now. Only the frequency of it is different.

Surprisingly, I accept the fact that we are all ugly. I accept the fact I am in one of those vicious ugly cycle. So i stopped believing in my principles, not wholly but partly. I remembered a mother of my friend's who said we should not stop eating animals because they are meant to be eaten. Then I remembered my mum saying that there is no way to save the earth. She also said no one can do it.

So i stopped to think, do all adults think like that? Is that why when we were younger we were so much associated with nature but when we grow older and become much aware of the harshness and ugliness of the world that we turn selfish too? Is that why we shut our eyes and ears to these environmental problems because we accept the fact that we are all ugly? I am starting to head to that path and become just like any other adults. No more becoming like a child who resiliently believes in her principles. No more becoming like a child who was pure before learning the true colour of the world.

Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. I don't know.

Would you want to go to Mars?

2007-08-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine laid down this scenario to me once and it goes like this ; "Imagine the world is coming to an end and the world is just not a place suitable to live on anymore. But alongside this disaster, the Americans have found new technologies to create a living in Mars. They have found ways to provide food, water, oxygen and make it similar to earth. But there is a condition, they will only bring Americans up to Mars to live and the rest of the world's population would just have to come up with their own technology to fly up to Mars and live there on their own. What would you do? How would you feel?" he said.

At first I felt the bite of injustice. I felt angry and I felt helpless. After some time, sense started creeping in. In the end I thought hey! God put us on earth for a reason and not in Mars and Pluto simultaneously. I guess the idea of living in Mars may seem possible to achieve but wasn't it the same with cloning? Theoretically speaking it may seems easy to accomplish but in real life things aren't that easy. Things will never be the same. I guess I rather die than go up to mars and become a totally different breed of human being. God I can't imagine that.

It makes us look like rats. We become science specimens. We look like rats who are trying to defy our nature for the sake of survival. When we fight for the sake of survival so badly it makes us look like rodents and pest. Mutating and evolving to suit the environment around us. We may become the result of evolution but every species stop evolving at a certain level. Why are we so afraid of death? Why do we think we're immortal and that we'll never be one of the soil? Funny how we humans think we can conquer everything even death and god.

This is only my perspective. You can fight among the Americans to go to Mars if you want to but I rather die in the place where my ancestors and I have been given birth into. Call me conventional, I just don't care.

Can songs really heal?

2007-07-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had this experience where you find a song that you have been listening to suddenly become a reflection to your life ? Have you ever experienced an obsession over a song for no reason and suddenly you realise that song is actually telling YOUR story?

I have been in that situation many many times. Sometimes it surprises me how I will intuitively feel the need to listen to a particular song over and over again until it dawns on me that that song is exactly what I need during that period.

I don't know if I just want to relate to it or if it is just my intuition seeking a healing song. But it's really funny how an odd old song will come into my mind and haunts me even when I'm sleeping.

Last week when I was down over a fall out, I had Craig David's "I just don't love you no more" song stuck in my mind. It played over and over and over again. I sang it without even realising it. It became habitual until at one point it stopped suddenly. That was when I start to realise that Hey! I've stopped thinking about him and I'm over it.

Now I am having Ne-yo's song stuck in my mind. It's called Go on girl which I though to be Girl on Girl but to my disappointment it's not. I have no idea why it's my obsession but there is a sense of connection. It's has now become my second habit to sing it non-stop.

Well I think it's because the beat of music is laid back and it pretty much reflects how slow my life is going right now; which is good. The song is simple and the lyric pretty much shows how I am feeling. So viola....It's my new song. I don't know if I'm over-analysing it or it comes naturally. I prefer to call it natural...

I guess it's a way for mind to distract myself from thinking so much of that particular matter. By singing it I am actually thinking about the song rather than the problem...Lame I know. Well it's just a theory...

It's just a way how I mend myself. So buzz and stop over psycho-analysing me.

Dead Fish.

2007-07-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

I've been practically brain dead....I know at this point people who hates me but loves reading my blog will roll their eyes and scoff. Fuck you...Sorry for the profanity...

I've just been schizo! I'm hearing voices.....

I always have things in my mind but I always forget about them. It shows how much memory capacity I have. It's comparable to a fish's brain.

Been doing nothing but hanging on trees and slothing. I am the new breed of human species. I am no longer Homo sapient but a Homoslothing Apey-sapient. It's lame I know. Been doing nothing but acting on impulse. Sing and dance whenever I want. Drive out and buy cd's non-stop.

Been listening to Ne-yo and and I just wanna make love to him. Been listening to Craig David non-stop and I want to make love to him too. They r just smooth and sexy.

Been having imaginary concerts in the car lately during jams. Very good therapy.

Really wanna learn how to play guitar. I really wanna go busking! Just when or when?

I guess this post is just like any other ordinary post where other ordinary school kids like to post up. You know where they tell the whole world about their boring useless pathetic progress... Just like mine.

But if u can see how much I am enjoying and sipping my life away...You will be envious. I'm dead serious...I've been nowhere but in my mind constantly....

Beliefs

2007-07-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

Have your mind ever been so messed up and blur till a familiar word like belief doesn't make any sense to u anymore? Sometimes you know that word so well but when you look it up in the dictionary, it actually means differently from what you thought it was supposed to be. I always here the word belief. The frequency of its usage is so often that I do not need to look at the dictionary to know its meaning. However, I'm questioning the real meaning of belief now. I don't know what it means anymore so i looked it up and it means

1. The mental act, condition, or habit of placing trust or confidence in another: My belief in you is as strong as ever.

2. Mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something: His explanation of what happened defies belief.

3. Something believed or accepted as true, especially a particular tenet or a body of tenets accepted by a group of persons.

Belief is a noun and believe is a verb. I know...Like duh...everyone knows that. The act of believing plays such a vital role in your life. It makes who you are today. Like a terrorist, their beliefs in Jihad is so real and true to them that it makes them kill thousand of people without regret and conscience. Sometimes, because of their beliefs they are ready to sacrifice themselves. The act of believing is so powerful . How can I ever take it lightly last time...

Now my belief lies on one person. How ever much anger he has caused me and how ever much a person has told me of his real intention, I still want to believe him. Sometimes, we make ourselves believe in something because we want to. The idea of believing on that certain thing is so comforting that we exclude other possibilities that it might be a lie, or that thing might be harmful, or that thing is no good for you. That's how we have god. Some believe god is non-existent and some believe god is solid and real. That is also how we get rumours to start spreading like fire. It is because the people want to believe that saucy hot gossip is real. The reason again also coz it's comfortable to learn of somebody's misfortune.

I am digressing here. But the problem is this. Somebody might (stress on the word might coz nothing is confirmed) be playing with my heart and my mind. He may be no good for me. Sometimes he's not good to me too. But I really want to believe that deep down inside, he cares for me and that he loves me. Probably he has other things on his mind that is distracting him. That's all. Can I say I'm living in denial? Can you say I'm creating an illusion just to comfort myself? Just to protect myself from the real truth? Or is the sense of belief comes straight from my gut telling me that it is the real truth. No doubt. That is the real truth. Not an illusion at all. It is just the amazement that you get whenever you see a wife or a girlfriend who is so truthful to her violent beating bf/husband. We always say, leave him while you can. But they still refuse and sooner or later you give up hope on her. It's like having a friend who is in a love with a jerk. She knows that he is a jerk but she can't shake him off. She still wants to believe that he will change.

Some people keep on believing in their own lies until at one point, they break! They stop believing and turn a new leaf. Should I too take a risk and keep on believing till I break? Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. But thats what human nature is like, we will never learn our lesson till we get burnt. We never learn without feeling the sensation pain. Each one of us are a romantic deep down inside, it only depends on how far your heart wanna take you. It all depends on how deep your belief runs in you.

Football!

2007-07-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

The last time I watched a football match when I was 13, so the idea of watching another football match again is very hard to turn down, except the first football match I watched was between Manchester United and Malaysia and this time around it's only Malaysia against Iran. Nevertheless, I still had fun. Serious fun! It was a pretty good choice of bringing me to watch a football match for a first date. Good job Merhdad!

: The Bukit Jalil Stadium and the Iranian people.

What captivated me was the undying spirit of the Iranians! I was simply enthralled when I stepped into the stadium entrance. The excitement builds up slowly. It started once I got into the right StarLrt station (I got lost, wet, on the wrong platform, and on the wrong train) that night. I was heading to Bukit Jalil station and the train was flocked by Iranians. Hard core Iranian football fans. Their faces were painted green, red and white stripes symbolising their National Flag. Some brought horns and some brought flags and what not. I can also see Iranian of all ages in the train! Grandma, Grandpa, papa, mama, sister, brother and every member of the family there. It was very impressive to see how patriotic they are.

Once I got out from the train and out of that thingamajigy ticket machine, people behind me started to blow out their horns and cheered "Iran" together. They had claps, cheers and everything. They cheered all they way to the stadium. When I stood outside the stadium entrance I felt an intense excitement stirred by all the noises and cheers within the stadium wall. There were drums, whistle, and mostly there were noises emitted by the Iranians. They shouted a cheer instructed by three old bearded men. One of them shouted something in Iran and everybody started cheering in unison. They had all kind of cheers in hand. It was awesome looking at their spirit and unison.

:The Iranian crowd that I was sitting with. Look at how eager the old man is! So engrossed!

The organizers segregated the Malaysian and the Iranian. It never occured to me that they would, yet again I do have a small brain. I was pretty mad looking at the lazy malaysians. They sat there and only cheered occasionally. Funny thing was, they brought in clowns. Ironic. Is that why you bring the clowns so that they could cheer up the lazy and languid Malaysian fans? It occured to me that clowns seemed to be their mascot to represent the clown-ish performance by our footballers too. Muahaha I don't wanna be so mean (but i have been very bitchy lately anyways), but I DO SUPPORT MY NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM OK? I was the only one standing among all the Iranians to cheer for Malaysia! I was also the only standing among them to sing our national anthem loudly! I had to bear all their ridicules! haha

Unlike the Malaysian fans, the Iranians never stopped cheering and fueling up their footballers' spirit. They would have break in between cheers just to catch some air, but they would never stop for 20 minutes or more like the Malaysians!!! Haiyoo...I can't be the only manic malaysian shouting on top of her lungs rite? Besides I was surrounded by hundreds of Iranians, so I wouldn't want to be beaten up by them. Hehe Lame excuse..
:People waving after a goal scored by the Iran footballers. They were pretty good.

I also found out that some of the Iranian, took a seven hours flight from Iran to Malaysia just to spectate the match. Talking about undying support. I wonder would we Malaysians take a 2 hours flight or more to support our Malaysian footballers in international matches? Most people would answer no. So I guess everyone has a fair share of blame for the ever deteriorating performance by our national football players. Blame on the government, politicians, the coaches, the players, and the people. Our team is so torn by everyone...

However I do have to say, Malaysia put up a good defence. Thumbs up to the goal keeper. He got bulled by one of the Iran player in the stomach but he put on a strong face and played on! He saved so many potential goals. Even when I say that, people will say " Haiyaa..they know they were going to lose, that's why they played defence only!" True or not true? I don't know!

At the end, Iran won by 2-0. The most interesting part was, the iranians waited for everyone to gather at certain sport just to DANCE! They were deejays and everything. They put on a song and everybody started dancing. Even mums were dancing and I tell u one particular mum was rocking! Amazingly, every Iranian knows every Iranian. The whole Iranian in Selangor and Kl were there. There won't be any chance of walking around without being stopped by few Iranian people. Don't you just admire their spirit? By the way, I had a shock in my life when I saw Iranian guys gyrating their hips and belly dancing (ok fine, they were not belly dancing but it was something like it). I found out that was their Iranian dance. The guys would shake and gyrate their hips like nobody's business. But it was cute seeing them so comfortable doing it.

At the end of the day I asked Merhdad a stupid question; "When is your national day'? He gave me a quizzical look. I rephrased my line by saying "When is ur independence day?". He gave another confused dumb look. Then it dawned on me they have never been colonised. They are not a commonwealth country in the first place..... I think. Then Merhdad asnwered my queston with " I don't know. I think there is one but I don't know when." Smart -.-

: Redza and Merhdad. I dun understand why Merhdad has to keep that misai kuching!

Not to be forgotten, I got on the last train back and it was packed by Iranian people. 98% were Iranian and 2% non Iranian. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU! I AM DEAD SERIOUS! They had a small party in the train. Everybody took our their horns and filled up the train with the blasting sound of the horns. They clapped and cheered. Some even made a circle to recite poems and dances. Merhdad was somehow embarrassed by the outward craziness of his people. How can he be shy of his people when they are so zany and proud to be themselves? They were so comfortable being in their own skin. It was hell of a party in the train. There was even one time when everybody kept on blowing the horn incessantly that it made the train driver blew the the train's horn to shut them up. Everybody in the train cracked into laughter. I was smiling ear to ear.

: The crowded train. All packed by the Iranian. They wore either red, green or white.

A dear John letter.

2007-07-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Dear John Doe,

I should have known when my friends told me, "Honey, you're moving too fast with this guy", yet again I should have listened when my guts told me there is something wrong with you. I believe your words have never been true all along. All the "I love you" and 'I miss you" are lies. There is nobody to be blamed but me who insisted on being stubborn despite all the warnings and all the foreboding. What can I do but to say......I should have known.

I don't know how you could sum up the courage to look me in the eyes and not to feel your soul burning when you told me all those lies. I don't know how you could continue to live when you persuaded and manipulated me to your likings. Playing and reading me like a card. Shuffling and arranging my emotions like those deck of cards that you play to suit your tricks in the game of chance. My feelings were just a gamble to you. Losing or winning is not the matter, but it is the after taste that counts. The taste of successful manipulation and deception. Bravo, bravo, bravo! I'll cheer, and cheer and cheer for you some more for give playing me like a pro; smooth, unflinching and with stealth. I hope you feel proud of yourself now.

I don't know how you could gather all those cool when I get all mad at you and swear to you all those ugly words. You did nothing but say "Hush hush, I'm sorry, really really sorry. Please do not leave because I do not want to lose you". How did you fake the sincerity in your eyes? How did you make me feel all warm when you pull my hand to stop me from leaving you? Maybe it was me who was naive or maybe it was you being a master of emotions. I don't know....I just don't know..I just don't want to know...

Now I've made up my mind and believing my guts for once. I'm washing my hands of you and that's why I'm writing this letter to you. A dear John letter. Thanks for acting like you care and thanks for pretending like you meant your empty words. Just wanna tell you one more thing that I heard from a friend, "Once you're in Aussie a.k.a the land of the blonde's, you can't help but to fuck the blondes as well". Goodbye, mate.

Nishabd

2007-07-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

As most all of you might have known, I just love Bollywood movies. Call me cheesy but I like em. As I was walking around a place in Klang called Little India, a place which i just adore to pass by every day, I saw a poster with a younger girl wraping her hand around and old man whom I instantly recognised to be Amitabh Bachan. No one can miss out his signature silver french beard. Anyways at the side of the poster it wrote, "she's 18 and he's 60. Some love stories are never meant to be understood".

The poster was set up in a way to project the idea of gloominess and danger lurking behind these two couples as the colour black covers most of the poster and and only the faces of these two couples are discernible. It struck my curiosity and I told myself I must get the Vcd sooner or later. I could have bought it straight away but I can't as I've already bought Fanaa, another Hindi movie.

What else can be interesting than a love story between a youth and a man who is old enough to pass of as her dad? Well it is scandalous and I can't deny that that is the reason why I'm interested in the first place. But then I thought, this is going to be a hard plot to pull off. The center of the plot line is the odd couple and if the director projects them to be like any other cheesy romantic love birds which you can see in all the hindi movies, it will come off totally messed up and wrong. It may look incest even. The girl is too young to be made to act a love scene with an old man. The viewers will not be able to grasp the idea of love between two different generation. Nobody can stand the image of an old man and a young girl dancing around the garden and having a gross making out session. Besides nobody can watch the old Amitabh Bachan shaking his ass off. This movie can only turn out to be the extremes; either extremely bad or extremely profound.

Anyways, I feel like this movie is different. It digs deep into human psychology and break away from convention. It is dark and produced where dancing, singing, back-up dancers and colourful clothes are non-existent. I am curious and so very very very intrigued. This is the kind of movie that always pushes boundaries and carries a big risk with it especially to be produced in India. Being a land where most if its people face poverty, this movie will not be it's no.1 choice. Its people are looking for light-hearted and entertaining stories and this movie is definitely not one of them. Not many people would like to sit 3 hours in the cinema and crack their head to read in between the lines. Hence, I think this movie is not aimed at making revenues but more at revolutionizing the film industry and introducing new ideas and possibilities for cross frontier-ing love (is there such a word? you get my drift hehe). This is a great way to enjoy Hindi movie without being put off by cheap comedy and bad acting skills.

This is THE Asian movie to catch for. I am buying the Vcd this week, anybody wants to watch it with me? Sarah Chen I will influence you to love Bollywood movies despite how much you loathe them!

Hair matters!

2007-07-06T03:24:00.000-07:00

My hair is my crown, people! I have always been concerned about my hair since I've reached puberty cause that was the time when my hair started to transform from silky straight to unruly frizzy coarse hair. Blame it on the hormones. Again. Anyways I think my hormones are calming down and I have found my blessed curls. Can't live without it.

After discovering my curls, I've stopped using shampoos and only dedicate myself to conditioners. I know it sounds disgusting but your head is not as dirty as shit until you have to wash it with floor detergents ok??? Sorry for offending shampoo users but that statement is directed to my elder sis as she likes to mock about my habit and calls it disgusting. Watever! Anyways, I have been looking for clear hair gels that styles and repairs my hair simultaneously but I can't. So I typed hair gel in google and got some amazing results. I found homemade hair gel. I know it sounds frugal or disgusting but think about it this way; would you prefer having natural things on hair or some chemicals that you can't even pronounce sitting on you hair? Which one huh? huh? huh? Anyways Sarah Chen, these recipes are for you to try! Go and wallop the recipe! hahaha

#

My curls! My curls! My curls are much longer now and it got heavy. So my curls are not showing. That's why I need hair gel.

TimeOf Applications: 40Prep. Time: 0:50

1 cup water

2 Tbls. flax seed

2 drops scented oil - your choice of scent

-Combine water and seeds in a small saucepan.

-Bring to a boil then remove from heat.

-Allow to set for a half an hour.

-Strain through fine colander.

-When completely cooled, add scented oil.

-Transfer to a wide-mouthed jar with lid.

Notes: Use as you would with any other gel. For first timers you would have some hard time handling the subtance as it won't come out viscous instead it will turn out to be runny as egg whites. So I read some comments and they said strain it while it is still warm and don't let it sit for too long ok?

I have not tried my hands on these things yet but can't wait. I've bought all the ingredients and i've only the essence oil left. I think you could get these scented oils from Body Shop.

You can substitute the flax seeds with Gelatine. Here is the recipe:

Homemade Hair Gel
1/2 to 1 teaspoon unflavored vegetable based gelatin
1 cup warm water

Dissolve gelatin in 1 cup warm water. Keep refrigerated and use as you would a purchased gel. You could also add in scented oil if u want to. People have also commented that gelatin triggers hair growth. So it kinda like makes your hair grow faster.

Keep in mind that both of these gels could only last for a week and keep them refrigerated. Good Luck peeps if you're trying.

Im learning how to play a.....

2007-07-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

Guitar!.........

I played clarinet for my school band and failed miserably. Couldn't play a full song and I sound like squitwert (is that how you spell his name?) from SpongeBob when he plays it.

I tried piano and quited after 1 month.

So here I am again trying my hands on another musical instrument. Hope I won't give up on this one. I already know how to play the four chords G, E minor, D, C!

Tau main je lar tapi nak tukar tukar chord dengan secara professionalnya. .......jangan harap lah! hahaha

The most shocking thing happened was my dad who played the guitar like a pro yesterday. He took up the guitar and said I used to play guitar when I was younger. I rolled my eyes and said yeah yeah I'm sure u have.

Do u know why I did that to him? It's because he loves creating stories where it makes him look like a pro and a champion. Embellishing himself lah...He used to go to oxford lah, used to stay in Russia lah, used to be a debate champion lah but forgetting that fact he told me he comes from a small town kampung called Mersing and never have gone to a Uni.

But to my horror, he played the guiter like a pro. Flicking the guitar strings like Santana and changing from chords to chords fluently. COOL DUDE...

I guess if my dad could play guitar then maybe I could since it runs in the blood just like Norah Jones and her dad Ravi Shankar despite their tempestuous relationship. Norah said that playing the guitar is a totally different experience and she loves playing it eventhough she can't play it so well. See it runs in the blood. I do not know why I am typing these things when I have maths to do. Tsk tsk tsk....So anyone do u have any old guitar books to lend me?

Perfect Hard Boiled Egg!

2007-07-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

You know what happened today? I can't help it but to blog it! here goes

I

COOKED

THE

PERFECT

HARD

BOILED

EGG!!! WHICH IS TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO SO IN THIS WORLD! EVEN WHAT'S HIS FACE COULDNT DO IT! herm...i forgot his name! WAIT I THINK IT'S JAMIE OLIVER!

Yeah i am serious! He was aesthetic when he boiled a perfect hard boiled egg after so many attempt through the 36 years course of his life!

It took me nothing but guts! Once again my women instinct has proven me right! I let the egg sit in the boiler and I cut and slices onion and cabbages while waiting for it to boil. After I felt like an exact 10 minutes has passed, I let it sit in running tap water.

After I peeled it, I was shock to find a smooth white surface on the egg and a perfect yellow yoke inside. No blue or purple rim on the yoke caused by excessive heat. It was not runny nor hard. It sat soft and firm inside the albumen.

I am such a genius! I know it sounds like a small thing but it feels exciting when you know your guts are doing their job!

I've been lucky also so far these few weeks. Is it just my guts or lady luck is here to stay? I am so sorry if i sound so new-age or freaky, but i have been monitoring my luck quick too often these few days.

ramblings at 3.30 am on a monday night...niceeeee!

2007-07-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

Guys:Put your hands around her waist
firmly
girls: lay your headback on his
shoulder and put your arms on his.

Guys:whisper in her ear
Girls: giggle

Girls:whenever he tries to kiss you,
don't just let him, kiss him
back. ........

Girls: When you want to cuddle with
him, tell him you're cold
Guys: automatically move closer to
her. (if your stupid then you'll
either say "me too" or you'll give her
your jacket... don't)

Girls: During a movie, if he puts his
arm around you, tilt your head on his
shoulder
Guys: lift her chin up and kiss her.

Guys: When she tells you she loves
you, look deep into her eyes, give her
a peck on the lips, and tell her you
love her too... and mean it.

Girls:When you're both laying under
the stars, put yourhead on his chest
and close your eyes as you listen to
his steady heart beat
Guys: whisper in her ear and link your
hands with hers.

I saw this in my friendster bulletin board.When I read it, I closed my eyes and imagined all those lovely things. Right after I read the last line, a blanket of warmth and security covered my body. I can't never deny how much I love physical touch and affection. Sometimes words don't need to be uttered. To know how we really feel we should just shut our mouth and let our body tell the stories.

Things even get lovelier when two unfamiliar acquaintances let down their guards and fall into each other's arm without even realising it. It's like when two people newly met but can't resist the strong chemistry to stand side by side and hold each other in their arms. When body touches another unfamiliar body, the adrenaline will start to rush. Clouding your head with extreme high, intoxicates you and bewilders you by the speed of you falling for someone new and impulsively. Yet again, dangerously. Then after, you start to feel warm and comfortable being with that now "familiar" person. Nothing needs to be said. No promises by the moonlight would have to be made, no sweet nothings would have to be whispered and no compliments needed to be passed.

Nothing of the verbal needs to be done. Just let go of your guard and fall helplessly into that stranger's arms. You could be dancing under the rain with that stranger or you could be dancing with that someone in a club. You could be in a couch doing nothing but exchange eye contact and caresses. Stroking the the eyelids, the nose and the outline of the lips. Sucking in every features on that person's face into your mind and immortalise it. Studying every curve and crease on his or her skin and feel the warmth when you know they are doing the same to you.

No need for sexual intercourse and foreplay. Those things are to harsh and rough for this delicate moment. It must be subtle yet overwhelming. You are simply overwhelmed by the simple touch that speaks a thousand word and portrays the exact thought conjured up in that person's mind. Somehow when you're in that state, you eyes and your heart can tell you everything you need to know about this person. You can tell is he is sincere through the look in his eyes and the movement of his hands.You can tell is he's using you if he rushes into things.

You could be lying under the stars with him and feel totally at ease by his company. You feel safe just by putting your head and hearing his steady heart beat. Before you know it, you have drifted off to sleep by the rhythmic lullaby of his heart. Your nose that is touching his skin will suck in deep the scent of his skin and you will feel and know that you're complete. With all the 5 senses used; the eyes to study his face, the ears to hear his heart beat and sound of his breathing, the nose to recognise his one and only distinctive scent, and the hands to feel his body, you will definitely feel at ease.

Owh how I yearn for those moments to come. I just wanna lie down on his lap beside a creek and hear the sound of the water gushing. I wanna feel the tingling heat of the sun on my skin accompanied by the stroking of my hair by his fingers. I want to open my eyes and meet his eyes and close them again. I wanna listen to his voice while I lie down and feeling half asleep. I wanna feel free from all troubles, worries and watching eyes. I just wanna be with nature and with him.

P/s: Im sorry if u think im feeling emo, but im just feeding my head with comforting thougths. hmm...

Birth of a new life.

2007-06-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

I know some people can't stop feeling morbid but I'm the other way round. I constantly think about pregnancy. So instead of thinking about death, I constantly think about rebirth. Im not trying to imply that I'm some kind of new-age chic, but it always make wonder. What if I get pregnant out of wedlock and especially at this kind of age? A teenage who have just tasted freedom and have a whole lot more of ambitions to achieve out there? Will I want to lose all that?

When I think about it, it send shivers down my spine. I feel empty and hollow whenever I try to imagine myself having a baby. I fear the disappointed looks on parents face upon hearing the news. I fear smelling the anesthetic smell of the hospital and and at the thought of lying down on a hospital bed in preparation for abortion.

Sometimes I think, it would be a bold move if i ever decide to have the baby. But when I think about motherly responsibilities, loss of trust by my family, loss of dreams and ambitions, I fall back on the idea abortion. However when I think about abortion, it scares me to the roots.

I can try to be receptive to what ever kind of emotions. When I put myself in anybody's shoes, I can learn to feel whatever emotions that person is feeling. Doesn't matter death, morbid, anger, confusion, or anger but never the feeling of being a young teenage girl carrying an illegitimate child inside her. So it has always been, I can never understand the feeling of conceiving a child and the joy it brings. Everybody seems to want a family and children but I never have the desire to do so.

I guess I'm defect in that way. The idea of pregnancy has always been wondrous to me but at the same scary. The pain of child labour especially puts me in a weird state. I always wonder why do humans still want to have kids eventhough the pain of child labour is excruciating and the level of responsibilities is high? It always make me wonder why...Probably it's our instincts. Yet again, maybe its our animal instincts.

It makes me wonder also why humans still want to repocreate even though we tend to be creature of negativity? I mean for example it's easier for humans to think negatively instead of positively, so why do we look at child-birth as a joy instead of a burden? Why only at that single moment we defy our negative nature? Why only at that single state we feel secure and safe at the thoughts of having kids even though we know that there are a lot of rooms for complications and death along the way? We do we change so much when it comes to pregnancy? It amazes me how we humans feel towards childbirth.

We humans are anxious and cautious creatures rite? Before we do something, we'll think the whole thing thorougly but why when it comes to pregnancy (only when we are legal to do so) we throw cautions into the wind and become ever optimistic and bright creatures? Isn't it natural for humans to back away from death, pain, and responsibilities but why is it when it comes to pregnancy we always say "No, it's allrite. God is on our side. We will do allright and the baby is going to be fine". I also realised that it is the only point in life where we totally rely on god and spirituality.

Only at that what point we wholly thrust our hope on God even to those who never really worship and secure thier beliefs in God. Only at one point, which is pregnancy, a start of a new life we humans change more than we thought we do. We change so much without realising it.

Another thing that I can't comprehend is, how humans can look at life the same way after child concieving? I feel like pregnancy or giving way to a new life is totally a surreal experience. We're bringing new life solely from our collobaration of power: men and women. We bringing something so precious and fragile into the world. We're bringing individuals into the world. We're are changing the world in so many ways. How can we still look at life indifferently?

It is the wonder of God. It is the wonder of male and female combined. It is pregnancy. *shivers*

Lit class discussion.

2007-06-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was in Lit class yesterday and usually when we have discussion, it really makes me think and eventually my head will get mixed up.

Miss.C (lit lecturer) said she can't stand boys who cries, and even worse who cries in public. I disagreed and shouted "what's wrong with that?".

Then I realised, Women are not the only gender that is pressured and being treated unfairly, but Men too.

Haven't we heard such lines where "Big boys don't cry'?

But what a minute, It just dawned on me that Men only face pressure to be manly and masculine. That's their only pressure.

Aiks...I thought I could take up some pity on my fellow male species but I have none. Probably next time. LoL~!

Anyways that's not the matter. When we study poems, we learn about the different type of poems and the different type of poets. First we learned about the Romantics. Romantics are known to be on the extreme of doing things. When they want to do something, they will do it passionately. They hope for the new generation to be different and the look on the power of human beings. It goes something like that. (go and google it up people)

For your more info, i googled them up for your enlightenment.

Romanticism

An early 19th century, pan-European movement in the arts and philosophy. The term derives from the Romances of the Middle Ages, and refers to an idealization of reality. In the late 18th century, it came to mean anti-Classical and represented a trend towards the picturesque and the Gothic, and a love of nostalgia, mystery and drama (e.g. Walpole, Beckford and Fuseli). By the early 19th century it had been broadened to include: an enthusiasm for, and awe of, nature; a political support for liberty; an emphasis on the individual as a unique creative being; opposition to, and fear of, industrialization; an interest in the exotic and primitive; nationalism; and a dissatisfaction with life and a desire for new means of artistic expression. This breadth of meaning has led to the definition of Romanticism as a 'feeling' and very little else.

I was taken aback by this romanticism and I thought I could relate to it coz the following reasons; im impulsive and spontaneous but at the same time emotional (u may not see the relation of my attributes to the romantics, but i can ok? so dun laugh)

Anyways, we were studying a play called the translations and there is a character in the play that is a romantic: Who follows his heart rather than his head. However when I read the notes, it says that his romanticism has brought him his death! I was like 'WHAAA??'

what's wrong with following your heart and what's wrong about being a romantic? I asked Miss C about it and she said "No, sweetheart. Everybody needs balance in their life. They need logic to make decisions in their life".

It so dampened my fire. It totally contradicts what she said before this. I totally believed her when she said being a romantic takes a lot of bold and courage. But now she said being a romantic will bring you other consequences.

To be or not to be, thats the question. But I guess I'll stick to the melodramatic romantic that I am and be proud of it. I may not have enough logic in my life in order to make decisions, but I rather stay being gut-driven. I think it would make me happier.

Anyways, Im sick of what other people think is right and what other people think is wrong. I guess I'll be an anti-social and live in my own hippie world. I need opium!

Sex education. My fave subject.

2007-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed when you were or are in school, the guys talk about sexuality openly meanwhile girls try to shy off from these conversations and act all puritan about it? Like when guys say something about masturbating some of the girls would have the ick look on their faces or would most probably wail out the word 'yeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr' or "eewww, damn disgusting lah you people".

Sometimes, when one or two girls join these conversations, most of the girl will shoot looks of disgust towards these two girls and start indulging themselves in vicious gossiping sessions? I've been the open-minded girl and I've been the puritan. I've been both. Don't say I'm a hypocrite but I am just sexually confused, and mainly because of our non-spoken rules about sexuality in our society now.

Guys are pressured by peers or society to run around and plant as much of their "seeds" as possible in vaginas meanwhile women are pressured to be the "gatekeeper of sexuality". Funny isn't it?

Example when guys were younger, it seems okay for them to play with their genitals while urinating and when it comes to girls it seems "dirty" and "obscene". Isn't it right?

The same goes when it comes to masturbation. Guys talk about masturbation almost all the time and it seems that they do it more than the number of time they talk about it? They at least do it once a week. However, when it comes to girls she sends off the message as 'slut' to other people.

So doesn't it seem like our society thinks girls are not entitled to have sexual pleasure as guys can? We talk about gender inequality and I feel this is one of them. A discrimination but not an intentional one. I feel like it's just unfortunate girls fall into these traps because of our ancestors who believed the only worth in the girl's life is her virginity. It's no longer the same girls, so just go out and demand for your sexual pleasure and rights. *wink wink*

Sad to say girls still do not know how important their sexuality is; how much freedom they should be entitled to and not to fall under this "puritan" image that girls think they should adhere to. I have few friends who thinks being sexually active and healthy is wrong. She finds it irksome because girls should have an image to live to. This is rubbish. I reckon go for it but play safe and another advice is: do keep all the details to yourself.

Sexual liberation is for all girls to enjoy. Don't be shy I say. The more you know how much you deserve the safer you are from this "goal-orientated sex game". Meaning, when it comes to sex most guys know only about grinding and shooting semen. They find it a goal to do this. Most of the time, girls fake orgasm because she thinks it's not important as her partner's sexual satisfaction. They fall under the trap where they believe they have to have sex in order to gain love and loyalty for their so called "special significant" one. Rubbish!!!!

Not being comfortable with our sexuality draws us to much much more problems. We fall into this web of confusion and guilt when we do dive into sex. We believe we are being immoral and being "sluts" when we derive pleasure from it (pre-marital sex). We feel guilty and we feel we're worthless. You would have to feel this way if you do live in the 16th century. Now we live in the 21st century, so do not fall into these trap I believe.

I had a good talk with Terri and Brendan about sexuality. Both of them have the same opinions as I do about sexuality. We love sex and we're not shy about it. I used to be shy to talk about sexuality but I am longer the same. It's either you like or you don't. It's either you agree with my opinion or not.

It's just like this, it's okay for guys to swear but it's not nice for ladies to swear so much coz she seems unlady-like or just plain rude? I don't see the difference. I do not want to fall into these image where a lot more decency is expected and required from girls but not the same to men. It's just the same like it's okay for every guy to become a player and fuck every girls but it's not nice for girls to go around and have sexual pleasure just for the sake of liking it?

Doesn't it seem like our society look down on girls to have sexual pleasure just because they like it and they enjoy it? However doesn't it seem like our society does not object guys being promiscuous and to having sex just because they enjoy it? We're so twisted.

Guys can scoot free with everything meanwhile girls have social code to adhere to. I shall not comprise my rights and entity to sexual pleasure because of what our society thinks. I am who I am; the person who thinks sex is a natural course in life and nothing to be ashamed of. Word of precaution: Do play safe. Winkz!

Fiona is my post still too long?

However I do respect girls who thinks abstinence is the best way. You believe it for many reasons of course and this post is not directed to you. This post is for those confused, judgmental and two faced girls out there when it comes about sex. They act all puritan about it until it makes me sick but they turn out to be the other way around. Seriously.

Innocence of a child.

2007-06-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I believe I am like a kid. Or maybe yet, I want to be like a kid. Not so much as pure like a kid but as innocent as kid. Innocent in a manner where I am new to emotions and experience, but being as a kid, I never want to be afraid to venture and delve into them carelessly.

I never want to rush into feeling these emotion such as, going out clubbing with friends late at night and probably getting drunk in a friend's place, spending a night out with a cool bunch of friends. I was never allowed to go out at night and I think I am still not allowed. But I never tried rushing doing all these things back in secondary school. I never tried to sneak out and do things illegally. The thrill may be there (and that would be an extra point), but its not as thrilling when you actually get to do it with no worries.

Doing things such as riding in car with friends at 12 o'clock in the morning, feeling the hype and getting all drunk in a friend's house. Being like a kid, I got very excited. Trying so hard to taste freedom in it's own way, trying to let the feeling of emancipation (to me at least) sink in.

But i guess, when you know you are actually legal to do it and nothing will stop you from doing, it kills the excitement. I guess the thrill is no longer there and this is what I call human nature. We look back and forward, and pine for what we have not. We never miss the water until it's gone or we want something that we cant get, but when we get it it loses it novelty. This is so us, Human. To always feel greed and constant yearning for new possessions regardless materialistically or emotionally. It's Ironic.

On Sarah's birthday, I was out with friends late at night. It suddenly dawned on me that I am late out at night and I am driving a car and holding a license to total mayhem and chaos. The exhilaration however was not there. I looked at my watch and it indicated 12 am and the only feeling i got was "Oh, 12 o'clock".

It was certainly a wet blanket. I wanted to feel how a child would feel and not how an adult would feel. When adult goes out at night with friends it feels like a norm to them. They look at the watch and say "owh, the night is still young. No worries."

However when it comes to a child, they would say "WOW it's 12 fucking (i know a child wouldnt swear, but a big kid like me would) o'clock! It's impossible! I can't wait for the next things to come! I wonder what would happen. I can't believe my luck. *squeals in delight*".

You get what I mean now? I used to get jolts when I see night lights in the cities. I feel like "wow this is how the night life would look when I get to go out someday". I really loved looking at night lights coz when I was younger I always dreamt of driving around the city with a bunch of friends, looking hot, loaded with money and hanging out at Bangsar or Kl for a drink. Just wanna live the high-end life of Yuppies.

Therefore it was a total disappointment when my dreams actually came true but that child-like amazement and innocence died. I was being like "yeah, I am an adult now. I will get more of this soon".

However, despite all that I tried injecting some child-like spirit to relive the moment. The magic wore off after some time. That was why I slept so early instead of having a blast with my friends at a sleepover. Dang.

My total idea of blast is an experience without inhibitions. I do not want to feel the surroundings around me. I do not want to feel what is stirring inside of me but instead I want my imagination to run free and throw my guard off. That's why people think I am impulsive, unpredictable and wild. I want to feel the emotion firsthand. Without regrets, without thinking about the consequences, without worries. I just want it to be raw and real.

Writing about this just made me realise something, I experience all of these things when I do spontaneous and unplanned thing. It made me also feel like I would have had a better time if I would gather the courage to go to Genting Highlang since it's already so near that night. If i were with Yeong Ren, I knew i would have done that. Nevertheless, anticipation is sweet! We shall go and do it one day Yeong Ren. We go stimming.

I just realised also, my blog is so syok sendiri. I write whatever I like. I just scribble. I guess it all boils down to you. If u wanna read what's going on in my head, go ahead. If you don't want to, just leave. What am I talking about? you already have the rights to do that and probably have done it. Silly to say such things...*smiles*

God! Help my soul!

2007-06-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

It is easy to compete with others. Emotions like jealousy, fear being dubbed as losers, or simply being fiery could make you pick a suitable candidate to be your competitor. For example, in each arena of my of life, I could pick up a competitor accodording to my own eyes, and compete with her/him silently. If I think she is somewhat like me, who has the same capacity in that certain arena, I would pick her out as an opponent and I would compete. If he/she does better in something, I will definitely keep track of her progress and I will try to become better.

I.e : In secondary school, I have a girl whom I thought has the same intelligence capacity to excel in academics. Silently, I record down her performance and eyed her every movement. In the end she left school after PMR.

I.e : In sports, I am lagi lagi KIASU! So kiasu until its so easy for you to hate me. Everybody is my competitor. Even the ones in my own team. What to do...It's something that I like.

But what about competing against yourself? You keep on wanting to do better, you keep on wanting for a better result, you keep on wanting to do the best that you can. Competing with myself is the hardest task I've ever tried to do.

I can't fight the devil in me. I sink in my own vices. I listen to my own misleading voices. When the alarm clock goes off, I continue to sleep. When I know I'm already late, I still take my time to shampoo my hair, and when I know I've not been touching my books for 3 weeks I still blog and talk on the phone for hours.

Why am I so weak to myself? Why can't I stop from over-indulging myself and since when "Ignorance is bliss" has become my motto and tagline?

Why couldn't I care a shit anymore? This is a serious syndrome. Had it for SPM and I regretted it. Having it for A-levels but nothing is changing.

Discipline is the answer. But what if discipline has been non-existent since the day you were born? I live in a family where we are discipline-less. We love indulging ourselves.

I hope God will save my soul.

Wonderful food.

2007-06-10T04:27:00.000-07:00

I have not been home for days as I have been staying in Hazel's house. Hazel's house means no food. To acquire food someone would either have to buy the ingredients and cook or if you prefer the fastest way just call and order. Or not just drive the car out and try your luck to find cheap and tasty food stalls which they have none in Damansara. This is the only reason why i adore Klang ; lots of chinese tasty cheap food stalls scattered on busy dirty klang road. Hence comes my idea that Klang people are the best eaters. They know every crook and cranny to find the best food. Besides our land is blessed with heavenly as well as orgasmic seafood and of course the ever sinful oily Bak Kut Teh.

Mamaks are also everywhere. In other word ubiquitous (just trying to make full use of my limited vocab). It's hard to find mamak in Damansara. If I do find one it's not as good as the famous one in klang which is called Modern. I am sure all u klang-nian agree with me that Modern is the tastiest mamak around, and not to be fogotten the cheapest too.

Recommendation: The tandoori chicken is to die for. Give it a try! *delicious*

Anyways in Damansara, it is dumped with high class expansive cafe's or restaurants that doesn't live up to it's prices. One bowl of pasta Rm22, or one plate of sandwich causes me around Rm12. Haiyoo damn expensive. It's not that tasty anyways. It's only expensive because it comes in big portion but who could eat it all up when it tasted so plain and grey (I couldn't find anymore adjective to describe it).

Mamak in damansara is pretty bad as I have mentioned before. All I can conclude is this: In damansara every place is decent but the food is really really costly and it doesn't taste good at all. Besides it's hard to find real Malaysian food such as Laksa, or chicken rice or Claypot Yee Mee in Damansara. To eat such food I would have to go to Hartamas Square and the price is just Okay-Okay. Not to be forgotten the nearest and biggest foodstall to my sis's apartment is the food court in Midvalley (so far as I know of). Probably, to find good and cheap eatery it would be in KL. However, thinking about traffic jam, sesatness and difficult parking spot I'd rather starve.

I miss my filthy polluted Klang because of the food! Food Food Food! You would have to live in Klang to experience this appreciation for food! They are also so so so cheap! To my point of view the best place to eat is in Klang. U jakun non-klang-nian would have to come here and I'll direct you to best eateries.

Note: Proabably you've not known this, but I just love foodstalls! No foodstall meaning no life. Therefore Damansara lacking of foodstall = lacking of life to Zefer. I become flaccid and languid in Damansara. I am no longer spoilt for choice.

Besides I just hate these high class expensive eateries. I don't know why but they are not my cup of tea. Call me a trishaw puller or a cina-pek, but i love going to crowded food stalls and putting one leg up on the chair with my hand on it and the other hanging down. You know like the one you see uncles do in Kopitiam? Yeap thats the one. Sometimes I even prefer sitting cross-legged on those plastic chairs. The whole picture is not complete unless Zefer could guffaw out loud and talk in high-pitched voice. That is enjoyment to me. Good food, crowded foodstall and hooligan-ish manners. Muahahaha I just love the picture. Wait wait! It is not complete yet till Yeong Ren opens up his mouth and crack me up with some stoopid jokes.

To Yeong Ren: Dei when r we going for our eating expedition again? I am losing weight already! We must become the Klang-nian that we are! haha

At last I am home based. Never knew how much i miss the sight of Klang. I missed the busy Indian street, the stupid long traffic light, the dusty sight of Klang. Klang holds this old charm. It's not dirty but it's not as clean and well planned as Damansara or KL (kl???). It's just like Penang. Small, congested with cars, and lined with old buildings. You can take the girl out of Klang but you can never take Klang out of the girl. Klang is my childhood. I have been living here all my life man! How can I not miss this underworld?

I just came up with another theory as I popped a small cubic heavenly brownie into my mouth. My sis in law loves to bake 'em and give some to me as she knows how much I loveeeeee it. It's so unique. Besides it's grade A chocolate brownie. No compromisation (is there such a word) on the quality and the taste. It is all hundred percent CHOCOLATE.

Anyways, as I was eating it I thought I could pack some for Roy to taste and soon the image of being a good wife came to my mind. I imagined myself cooking with lots of love for my future to be soul mate (dun get me wrong, this soul mate could be anyone and not only Roy okay?) and I thought how I would be a great cook. I am gifted with great cooks as family members (but not be forgotten zany and disfunctional too). My grandma was a meticulous cook. She strips fish a certain way, cook the rice with certain techniques and even cut the bawangs with certain ways. She doesn't compromise on quality and mainly because my Grandpa is a fussy eater. He needed the food to be of a standard before he could eat it.

She passed down the recipe to my Mum and my Mum being a gifted naturally-talented cook fired away all pots and pans to creat gastronomical Malay dishes. She is in my opinion the best person to ask for Malay dishes' recipes.

Then there is my dad. He is not a good cook but he loves to cook. He will create something out of anything. Pretty much creative but sometimes his food tasted gibberish.

Then I have Hazel who could be my partner in cooking and my sis in law is a natural born baker. She bakes the best cheesecake, brownies, and cookies. I used to remember when I was really young and whenever I see her face I think of cookies. I'll beg and plead for cookies! She will of course bake the cookies for me!

So there! If you have ever wondered why Zefer is so plump or obese (up to your liking but personally I find myself curvaceous) , I guess I have justified your questions with the reasons above. Don't you wish you could be like me? Muahahaha!

Confusion. As always..

2007-06-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

I am not lonely in fact I am happy with my single life. I am sipping it away slowly, like sipping a good americano coffee in Starbuck during rainy days. Satisfying and warm. That's how I feel when I am single.

I love walking around in shopping malls alone. Love eating and watching movies alone. I think I am a good loner. I love my presence and company. In whole, I'm complete. I complete myself. However there are days when I am totally bored and felt suicidal! That explains the stitches on my wrist.

When I am in love it get tempestuous and hazardous. I can feel the perpetual heart beat of mine racing and pulsating. It wrings in fear and doubt. My mind aches thinking about what's wrong and what's right. It hurts when your heart misses someone and it hurts again when you heart feels like it doesn't belong anymore. Then dread creeps in and you have to force yourself to break off the relationship despite how sympathetic you feel towards the other party. The truth is you can stay in the relationship just to make the other person happy but you cant force yourself to remain loyal if you don't feel the love anymore.

But what if, you're caught in between? Sometimes you don't have the heart to break everything off even though you've realised that the future is bleak. What if you still feel love for that person but that person doesn't satisfy you as much as you have expected him to? What if after all the time spent with him you still yearn for a good conversation and hope to feel a connection or some sort? In the end of the day you just feel empty.No stimulation! No satisfaction! No bond! No nothing! Nada! Elek!

Despite all the the disappointment and emptiness that I feel generated by him , I still don't have the guts to shake this guy off. Probably because of the little fondness that I have towards him. Maybe because of his effort and generosity. Prolly because there a lil twinge of hope in my heart that still feeds my fire. Maybe....Maybe....Maybe..My head is clouded and my heart is filled with thousand ambiguities. To make matters worse he won't be here anymore. He's flying away and never to come back in a long time.

So do you think this relationship will bear fruits? Do you think its possible to keep a long distance relationship? Even though he will call me everyday and we have every possible ways of communication for us, I know that it won't make a difference. We just don't relate. No chemistry. We can't hold an interesting conversation and he shares nothing with me. Sometimes I even feel like he only likes me a company but not for the real person that I am. He makes no effort to explore the person behind the facade.

He doesn't show me his true self and therefore I can't FEEL him. I need to have his essence! Pure concentrated of Roy. But I am not getting it. In short, there is no connection. Even though there is compatibility, but there is no chemistry. This thought has been killing me. What should i do? What should I do?

Wanna break it off but don't have the guts. I do feel some fondness for him but I am frustrated by the lack of connection. I want to be with him but he can't be here with me. It's this convolution of confusion. A twitch of emotion spurs other kind of emotion and all this will blend together and create a hazy effect. Blinding me from the truth! HELP! HELP! HELP!...

I go to HELP but i still need HELP..*sighs*

Anyways I went to Klcc today and you know what? I tested Badlash Mascara by Benefit and it rocks! Seriously! I love its thick brush that volumnise your lashes as well as darken it and also curls it upward. It's not heavy on the eyes plus it works it magic on ur lashes. Clump-free and it leaves you with desirable result. I heart it instantly. Too bad it cost me RM93. Blekk

I want some Moooolah!

2007-06-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

There was an old saying among Malays that goes something like this " A man has 9 wit, and 1 lust, while a woman has 9 lust and 1 wit!....

The stupid women of the old time of course conformed to it and made their stand less important in the society. The men of course agree to it...Like Duh! it is so untypical of them not to agree to it.

The Men say, a woman can think quickly but they can't think ten steps ahead. Wahlau..I got that from my ex, and my ears burnt when i heard that. How dare he says that about my species..Chovonist.

Anyways that's not the topic for today, but it goes along that line. It's about women unlimited wants! Such as mine.

I have been thinking about it everyday, and it seems that I always find a dead end. I can't find a way to get money to buy all those stuff that i want. It seems pretty important too, all of them.

The first one would be a new Guess Jeans. Somehow my Jeans would always be from Guess and nowhere else. I dun trust Levi's or what not. My all time fav Guess Jeans is the one called the Daredevil. Super Low, straight cut, and dark. Chunted.

The deal is this; I already have them but I have created two holes around the crotch area of the Jeans! Its hideous! Therefore to be able to buy another one, I would have to collect Rm350. wanna sponsor anyone?

Secondly, there is my camera batt charger that I have been thinking about all the time. I lost my Camera's charger. No idea how, but i just did. To be able to buy a new one it would cost RM260. Another hole in my pocket. If i were to save money for it, it would take months! It's useless!

Then there is my spec. I broke it and i flushed a part of it into the toilet bowl. Dun aske me how i did it but it happened. Need new rims and new rims will cost me Rm2oo or more.

Thirdly, I want Benefit's Bad Gal eye pencil and Bad lash Mascara. Dun ask me why, it's just so tempting and their marketing makes me feel like i can't live without it. Besides I love khol smoky eyes. Their packaging is so cool too. It cost me around 180 if i want to buy them both?

Then of course I have other petty things that I want but never really think about them everyday like wanting green contact lenses? Hahahah

Then I want to start collecting money like how i used to and I want to cover up all the money used. But I'm lost in it. I dunno since when i started collecting, how much i've used and how much to recover. Forever lost....

Do you know want to why I am having a lot of financial stigma? It's because I really want to save money for my post A-levels trip to INDIA, KATHMANDU, AND MALDIVES!

I have been saving money for this trip but I always end up using my saving to pay debt, buying gifts and for emergency uses. After so many effort I still couldn't cover the lost. Haih..

I planned to save money till June 2008 and have Rm4200 saved in my account. So far I have only Rm250 after 2 months saving up....pretty bad...As planned I should have Rm 800 already? I need a part time job.

Then there is of course the want to excel in Coll. I'm having such a hard time catching up already and my dad is doing it worse. He is forcing me to go to Thailand for a week. When I say I dont want to he says I was pretending to be all geeky and hard working. Whatever lah..

Then there is this voice at the back of my head saying "Scholarship! Scholarship! Scholarship!"

That thing worries me even more. However according to The Secret, keep on thinking positively and the universe will work in a way to give what u actually wish for. It happened to me many many times but not in my studies. Pathetic..

So how? Can I start having instant donation or derma kilat? I need some help!

Posse.

2007-06-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

I can't help but blog about this. Friends offer their help and concern at most unexpected times. Sometimes they go beyond your expectations. Some friends comes, some wash thier hands clean off you. Some remain.

I have many wonderful friends but the ones that touched my heart today are the posse which I mistakenly pronounced as "pussy". I have no idea why it's hard for me to pronounce it.

Anyways....As planned today, the posse were gonna have lunch and movies in OU. Thot I would have lunch with Roy in midvalley first and Movies with the posse ssecond to balance these 2 parties out. I cant ditch friends for some male creature. But in the end it seems like i ditched my friends.

I had a fight with Roy. So unexpected but we kinda like have this conversation almost everyday. It will eventually turn out with me packing my bag to leave in exasperation and him trying to stop me and talk me out of leaving him.

It happened again today. During the fight, my sweet bunch called me up and asked whether I am coming or not. I unexpectedly said No to them and they got worried just by hearing my pathetic small voice. You guys were so concerned about me and I was so touched. Eventhough I couldnt join you guys despite of the promise I've made, you guys were still worried about me. I couldnt come because some male creature made me feel upset. Foolish of me...

Thanx June, Sarah, Bren, Terri and Junah for the concern. I qoute Bren "When You're not there, it feels like something is missing". So sweet right?....I need insulin! Quick! I Love You guys.

However to my other friends, do not be disgruntled! Cheh I'm so important like that! *rolls eyes like roller coaster* I still love u guys aite!

P/S: Sarah I know my news sounds scandalous! Be patient till Mon okay? haha you are so gonna have to spill the beans on mon about you friday nite date!

Heart? or mind?

2007-05-27T02:48:00.000-07:00

I always ask people whether do they follow their heart or their mind when it comes to decision making. Personally I think following your gut is the best option. But what if your mind and gut blends together and you can no longer tell the difference? Which part of body says No and which part of your body tells you Yes? You are so confused till you find your mind to be somewhere else and you body somewhere else. You don't function together anymore. Everything seems unsynchronized.

There will be one part telling "yeah, kiss him, its allrite" and there will be another part saying "what they hell are doing here? Are you sure you wanna be with him?", but you don't know which voice is which. Which is your gut and which is your mind.

When I'm caught in that situation, everything feels surreal and dreamy. I feel like someone else is reliving the moment instead of myself because I am so confused and lost. When I actually sit down and think about it, nothing makes sense. I don't understand why I did the things that I did albeit all the mess in my head. My body is willing to give in but my heart says "No, not yet".

Everything seems perfect but I find myself in doubt. Everything is moving too fast and it's all a blur to me. It's like when you're sitting in a fast moving car and everything that you see is blurry. Nothing makes sense. A tree doesn't look like a tree in that state, and it gets overwhelming when you try to focus on one object while you're moving. Get my drift?

So, its easy to say that you follow your heart or you like to listen to your head. But are u sure that the voice you're listening to is the voice that you think it is? Are you sure that the message you're getting is from your head and not from you heart? Can you distinguish the two? Go figure, i can't tell the fucking difference anymore.

2007-05-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

As I was shackling myself to the study table and engrossing myself in Law essay, I can't help but drift into my old days and how I miss the simple things.

The simple and rare things in life are the sort of things that kept me going. Such as being able to ......................Damn I've forgotten what I just had in mind...Shoot...If I remember, i'll update. But i cant remember the simple things in life anymore.

So.........See ya guys around, I have law to finish up.

Lonely. I am Mr Lonely.

2007-05-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder, wouldn't be life be wonderful if the feeling of loneliness does not exist? Wouldn't everyone feel better about themselves? Wouldn't everyone feel contented living by themselves? No more would the sinking feeling in your tummy comes, no more would you feel a lump in your throat the moment you feel like crying, no more would you feel emptiness in you chest, if this feeling of loneliness doesn't exist.

Everybody feels lonely. It's like an autopilot for the darker side of your mind to fall into this pit of loneliness. Even though you have your best friend whom you talk to everyday, you will still feel lonely for some other reason. When you have your family by your side, you will still feel lonely because you feel inadequate or incomplete without having the special one to fill in the space of your heart. On other times, even though you have a significant one in your heart, you will still feel lonely as you look into your e-mail inbox, your sms inbox, your msn messenger in hope getting a single response from that special one but to your disappointment it never comes. Thats when you start to get heart ache and everything crumbles down slowly.

It's inevitable. Everybody feels lonely in some way or another. Even some feel lonely living at home with family members who are constantly away. They make up to this loneliness by finding a special someone to fill up that gap. Everybody tries to fill up that small little gap in their heart which gives you the feeling of loneliness but little do they know that it can't be filled in.

Little do they realise that it can't be filled in by external aid. You can never find anybody in the world to fill it in, even if you do it's only temporary. Only you can close the gap yourself by finding an internal source of contentment and fulfillment. Everybody say in theory its easy, or " I will never feel lonely" or "loneliness in not in my dictionary", but before they know it they are fooling themselves, defying the process of nature, and denying the fact that loneliness is a part of you no matter what. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but it could come at any unexpected time in your life. It gets even worse when you hit the lowest point in your life.

I so hope I could build myself to be a loner where I could live on my own, be my own friend, be my own source of contentment. I wish I could be like those travelers, crusading the world on their own, conquering their biggest fear on their own, and never rely on anybody for help.

But I know this was my defense mechanism in fear of being lonely. I opt for a single bachelor life, travelling the world at my own expense and time, not wanting to be entangled by the hassling thing called Marriage. I do not believe in that constitution, and somehow I believe my dreams will resort me into loneliness. I can brush it off and say "Loneliness is only in the mind and I'll get over it soon enough", but if I can't find ways to fill that little empty gap in my heart internally, how will I ever fill it in? If I can't fill it in, I will always feel lonely no matter in whose company I am in.

So I am on a mission trying to find satisfaction or the feeling of completeness. I am searching and searching for the ever unreachable and incomprehensible for my own mind. I am always on the look out, but I have the slightest idea of what I am actually hunting for. Every night I would excess the Internet in hope of reaching out into another place. In hope of finding fulfillment from another source of place, but I know all my effort are in vain. I know this reaction stem from the emptiness in my chest that I constantly feel every night when.........

So dramatic rite? hahaha but again it's for my dairy purposes...I know why and when things happen in my life, but not everything will be thrown in to the wind. I write this for reference in the future. Some sort like a memory to cherish when time has passes by, but you have a fragment of the pass to carry with you.

Police report means its a police report. Dont you thick skull people get it?

2007-05-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

Just read my previous post and oh boy, there were lots of spelling mistakes..hehe! Didnt have any effort to correct it when you're depressed.

Anyways...About the lady whom i " knocked" into yesterday. She called me up early in the morning and asked how am I going to settle the problem. So I told her make a police report and she said "buat police report ah? u sure ah?"

Ya of course I am sure dummy. I was left light hearted and smiling afterwards when she hung up the phone. To my horror she called me up again and said " u sure u mau buat report? If you make a report you would have to pay 300 ringgit and I will use your insurance money u know."

"Yeah I know, but my father said I would have to make a report. He wont support me."

She said fine then she hung up. Then she called me up again and say " You're a young girl you know, I do not want to make a report and you wouldn't be able to drive. Besides, it is very costly to change my bumper and everything coz my car is a Honda City".

I have no idea why she told me that! If she tells me that its expensive, surely i rather pay Rm300 compound money to the police then paying thousand over for your stupid bumper rite?

Then I said, "I'll go and check with my dad since it involves my lisence". She then said, "ok I'll check how much it cost for my car then I'll call you back".

Then the husband calls and tells me " If you make a report rite, then its very hassling. A lot of work to do. You also have to pay 300 and it effects you insurance very badly. N you wont be able to drive. Give me your father's phone number and I'll talk to him. I pity you, because it will effect you badly".

"Fine, you don't have to talk to my dad, I'll call him myself and talk to him about it".

She then called again " Siti, sorry to disturb ah but i just called the insurance company and I checked that your bla bla bla will turn zero and bla bla bla..."

I couldnt make out what she said but I know it was regarding the insurance thingy. So i said "I've just checked and I will be able to drive. They will deduct points only from my lisence by I will still drive."

"owh really ah? I din know about that, but you see my niece experienced an accident before and I know when she wanted to renew her lisence she had to sit for a test again"

What lie is that? How dare she makes up such story I thought.

"Im not sure about it but i will tell you soon in half-an hour" I said.

After that I called my brother and had a discussion. I decided to pay her RM 250 to fix her bumper.

I called her up and said ok I will pay you Rm 250 cause I'm a student you see, my father wont support me and stuff.

She said Okay and she said " I will pay the rest. But you know how much the bumper cost ah? It cost me around Rm 700 ringgit tau. It's okay, you pay how much that you can and I'll pay the rest."

Sounds so fishy rite? It costs Rm700 but she said she will accept my Rm250.

I din have a good feeling during Maths class. I feel like lawfully I am not liable to pay Rm250. We should both make a police report if we want to settle it coz thats what the insurance is for. To cover up damages.

So I told my brother to act as my dad and tells her I want to make a police report. To my horror, my brother told her to bring her car to a mechanic and see how much it cost. After that she has to call him and inform him about it. He said if its expensive we'll make police report, and if it's payable we'll see to it.

My brother insisted that I pay but he doesnt get my point. Lawfully I am correct, and I know she wont make a police report coz she will lose much more, and that is also the reason why she kept on calling me to talk me out of reporting to the police.

I waited for her to call so that we could come up to a decision. But it has been 4 hours since she called and its already 3.30 pm. If we want to lodge a report, we have only a few hours left till its 6 o'clock which would be the time of the incident.

My brother called her up at 4 and asked her about the car. She said it costs her only around Rm288 and I can take however long I want to pay her back.

Where did she get the thoughts that I want to pay her? To my horror my brother said that I will pay her the money.

I had no more time to waste as Katheryn's mum was already waiting for her outside of coll and her phone is the only source of communication for me. I called her up with Katheryn's no (I ran out of credit) and said " Our family has discussed and we made up our mind to make a police report".

She said " First you kata you mau bayar, then you tak mau. Kenapa you main main? Sudah pukul 4.30 pm baru mau call?" She cursed at me and slammed the phone.

Wahlau this lady is too much....

I said so myself in the morning that I would want to make a police report, she didnt to listen.

When we asked her to call back so that we could make a decision, she did not call back . We had to call her back. So who's fault is it that we have to make a decision around 4.30 pm?

Too bad for her lah...I felt guilty but when I think about it, it's true what my dad says. Why do we want to be bullied and pushed around by people? If lawfully you are right, then you do not have to do anything more or less. It is only the Malaysian style that you pay compensation money when you collide into an accident. So the law is the law lady..so live with it. If you didn't want to make a police report even though you have hours to call back and a few hours after to lodge a report, then its not my fault that you lost your money.

But if I were to be in her spot also, I will feel reluctant to lodge a report. So what to do? I am confused myself. But she was being sly herself trying to talk me out of lodging a report.

So random.

2007-05-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

After attack then another attack...I keep on getting depression attack. It all caused by minor things, but I feel like I'm this one big sponge that absorbs every kind of emotions easily, especially depression. I think it's natural and it runs in the family. No biggie.

But do tell me, do I have the right to be depress today? I knocked into somebody's bumper today and caused a dent on this one lady's Honda City. Fuckaroo fate...I kinda like have an omen before that, because as I rushed to go out I grabbed my purse hastily without realising that it's empty and that I've moved all my IC, driving lisence, money etc into another bag. I did realise it on the way out of my house, but I ignored it.

Then i knocked into a lady's car and caused permanent shock and grievance in me. I felt so depressed. Have to keluarkan duit lagi, and then have to tell this news to my dad. I know I sound so princessy, but it caused me a huge shock.

Then there is this A-voice thingy to do. It seems so hard to finish this thing when you actually have to share your task with other 6 people. I have to interview, have to set appointment, chase these big people's secretaries, and have to face rejection when they tell you straight in the face "No, you cant interview him coz he's busy". Wahlau...I just got myself into a deep shit. The best part is, it due on 31st of may, and i have to interview these big people, the students, teachers and write it out before the 31st of May.

Probably it's PMS or what, but i feel disturbed easily by little things. I do not know why, but I know it's happening. Probably I havent got my shower today and my dad says a shower cleanses you of bad luck. True enough.

I had the same expression as the above pic pasted on my face throughout the whole day after the accident. Seriously...

I am not in a light mood at all. I need a perk-me up, or a lift me up thingy magicky. Yeong Ren made it worse but pressing the issue even harder...*sobs*...hehe does it make you feel guilty now Yeong Ren?

My dad said that there is nothing in the law saying that when you knock into someone's car and if it didnt cause injury, you would have to pay compensation money. The insurance will cover the damages. I told Yeong Ren about that, and the fact that I feel so heavy to call up this Lady and tell her that she would have to make a police report and I won't pay the damages.

He said, If you don't call then you want to pay 1000 ringgit later on lah, when she has fixed the car?

Wahlao...thanx Yeong Ren for comforting me. Heheh are feeling guilty now? hehe...By making you feel guilty, it lifts up my spirit.

Anyways, I always had this pressing thought about adopting and when I went to Kashmir, I thought I would like to adopt from there. I did my research and it seems totally impossible to adopt a child if you're a foreigner due to child abuse cases caused by foreign parents lately. Haih..another dream crushed. Maybe I should make a Kashmiri child of my own...hehe

But these Kashmiri child are so lovely and cute! totally changed my perspectives on kids! Malaysian kids have so tainted my image of children. Malaysian kids, i.e like me dash around the place like while goose and are such a brat to handle. I felt like slapping these kids that I normally see. However these Kashmiri kids are to die for! so cute, and loveable.
I know they seem dirty and depressed, but if they are washed and cleaned, given proper clothes, they will look so cute. On second thought after looking at the pic so many times, they look dishevelled and deprived. Reminds me of Zombies. LoL

Anyways, Im going to bed now, but guess what? My sis is watching bollywood movie in my room...how the fuck am i going to sleep? She will refuse to switch off the tv...Wish me luck and hope she will listen.

sadness

2007-05-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Im feeling depressed again coz u know why? Marsh made me feel that way...She has seen John Abraham before and she got to feel his vibe, witness his hotness, his hunkiness, his broad muscular shoulders, his mesmerising eyes and everything else. *sobs sobs*...I feel damn sad...Depressed...Angry....and everything else......

Wait Marsh did you take a picture with him?....How did u meet him? WUARGHHHHH.....I can feel life inequality for the first time in my life....*sobs sobs*

I am so in love with that guy apart from being so totally in love with Hrithik Roshan too....Haih...Sedey...Maybe I when I am at Mumbai with Yeong Ren I'll get to see him...

So dramatic lah...but anyways...i still feel depressed..hahaha

Who or What are we actually?

2007-05-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

Owh my god! I can't stand Malaysian Television anymore. Be it Astro Ria, Tv3, Ntv7 or anything else! They are getting on my nerves and you wanna know why? Its because they are so uncreative. They are really really not creative. I can't see any Tv shows that were not derived from western Tv shows.

I was watching Astro Ria and this one guy popped up and began showing magic tricks on the streets. Approaching young girls who in returned giggled shyly and move out of the camera frame. Some of them even moved out secretly. So typical Malaysians to be so shy, malu-malu kucing pulak tu! PUI PUI PUI! Feel the bullet power of my saliva spit. Before we forget the point, is he just trying to be the next Malaysian Mondo Magic guy?

Then we have Malaysian Idol. Well I guess one show such as Malaysian Idol is not so bad considering almost each country has their own Idol. Then there is Akademi Fantasia that comes from Mexico if I am not mistaken. Or probably from somewhere around the Latino region.

Apart from that, we have So Do you Think You Can Dance Malaysia Version. Haiyooo...After that I heard about Fashion Runway Malaysian version. Before this we had Explore Race which is another reality show where its concepts came from Amazing Race.

Just this afternoon I was watching Tv3 and this one advertisement came up. It was those usual advertisement where Tv3 shows to promote one of their nightly shows and its called Emilda something. Do you want to know where they stole the storyline and concept from? It is from Ugly Betty. Depicting a story of an ugly secretary working in a office that is mostly empowered by pretty, over-controlling and bitchy colleagues. Haiyooo....

Enough is enough Malaysian! Find something original and authentic. Find something that truly reflects Malaysia as a country that is innovative, modern, but yet original. Im so sick of staring into the idiot box and find something that insults Malaysia and myself as a Malaysian. It wrecks my sanity.

I can't turn on the Tv anymore because whenever I do I get annoyed and agitated. When I refuse to turn watch Malaysian shows people will say I am trying to act all westernised and I don't appreciate Malaysia enough. But how can I watch it when it's actually Malaysian Tv channels that are trying to plagiarize Western Tv shows? I am so sick, so sick, so sick! I'm going to Uei Huek (muntah darah in Hokkien according to Mr Noel who is my maths teacher). If I were in the government I'll write a comment to the newspaper and fill the column full with slanders and criticisms. So be it unfair or just plain rude, but its time Malaysia produce something that is truly of their own because so far in my life, I've never found anything that original being produced in Malaysia.

Everything we manufacture derive ideas from other countries and one clear example is the Eye of Malaysia, which they wrote on the billboard Eye on Malaysia? Huh? Is that the only way they use to make themselves look different? By replacing "of" with "on" and hope everybody will think it's the original and another variation which you can find in Malaysia? Pleasee....Gimme a break.

We're always stuck in between. Monyet di hutan di kejar, tapi anak yang dikeondong tercicir (did i get that correct?) . People prefer going to Thailand because they are so authentic and unique. People go to Singapore because its clean, modern and also possesses what Malaysia has to offer ie the different races, Malaysian food such as roti canai and such, plus they have great seafood as well as frog dishes (yuck). People prefer going to India because they do not lose touch of their roots and authenticity. But we Malaysia can't seem to find a stand. We seem to be Jack of all trades and specialises in nothing great. We must find the quintessence of Malaysia and work on it.

Im on the search for exotic males. Do msg me when you've found one.

2007-05-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Diane said this once to me " Cancerians are suckers for hot people, seriously". It was not a surprise after all since I've always been gawking at hot people in India. She said she's the same person too, and she's a Cancerian. Is it true that all Cancerians are like that?

Whenever I see a beautiful creature, my knees get weak and my heart beats faster and harder. I run out of air and I start to hyperventilate Sometimes I will shriek in delight or sometimes my face will turn red from all the decompression. Don't ask me what kind of decompression, its just one of those time when I have to hold everything back in spite of the outburst within me.

They are the feelings that i get whenever I see Hritik Roshan or John Abraham. Sometimes whenever I get to see "exotic" people. Exotic in my terms would be like those two I have just mentioned. I have a weak spot for people with these kind of features. I have no idea how to explain. Maybe to Sarah, I would say people exotic like the Kashmirians and she would get it.

But I think you guys would have understood my taste right? Fair but not pale. Round, deep set brown eyes. Green would be even heavenly. A lil bit of stub, and really high straight nose. It even turns me on when these people have sculpted bodies. I don't like it buff, but just nicely toned. It just drives me crazy whenever I see one of these people. N oh yeah, they must have black hair and thick black eyebrows as well. Hehe

I don't know why I'm writing this but I need to vent out my feelings such as this one. Feelings of...I don't know what. I told you I'm a sucker for beautiful people.I just gotta fine one so that I could stare and manifest in their beauty. Having one in Kashmir doesn't count okay?! Its already hard to communicate then what about seeing and appreciating every curb and creases on his face?...

Do you want to know what causes this sudden surge of hornines? It's because i've just watched Water, a Hindi Film starring John Abraham who reminds me of Imran. Almost the same features. The hair, the stub, the eyes, and the chin. They look almost alike and is that why Imran likes him as an actor? Seeing another person like himself on the TV screen? if thats the reason then he's really vain.
This is John Abraham. Another Hindi Actor. Cute lah.

But! The important thing that I've wanted to say is this, do watch Water. You'll witness things that you have never seen and it brings you new horizons. It may be slow, but the cinematography suffice itself in that sense. It was hard for me to capture the quintessence of the movie as I don't understand the Hindu culture as much of the scripts revolves around Krishna, Radha and it's history. I can't really capture its beauty and symbolical meanings.

But it's message was clear enough about widows and how they were treated pre and post Ghandi times. How women without husbands were badly treated and deprived. Why are men so cruel to demean the opposite sex? And why are women willing to subject themselves to such injustice? We women have such a delicate stand on this world. I don't even know what role are women to play in this world in order to be treated fairly. Anyways I had a good time feasting my eyes upon John Abraham! Now my eyes are happy and satisfied, but my heart is not. I want to have someone who is as good looking as him. Enough of crapping, I need to finish up on maths at 1 o'clock in the morning and sleep. Coll tomorrow...lazy nyer.

To ask or not to ask...thats the question. hmmm

2007-05-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

To ask or not to ask..That is the question my fellow friend. He's neither an acquaintance nor a stranger (to my eyes at least). I know him (yeah in my lustful imagination heheh) yet I do not know him (that part is not fictional), but why is he so sexy? Why is he so muscular? Why is he so hot? Thats because he is my super hero Double M!

He's tall and muscular. Hot and sexy! Those are all the criteria a man needs to save a lady in distress............ like ME!

Anyways enough of ramblings...I just want ask him to be my date for the A-levels Ball. But Im too shy, too conscious and timid to ask a guy out. What if he already has a gf? What if he's gay? What if im not hot enuff? I dun want to make a fool out of myself. But i so badly want to ask him to the ball. Haih.....

What do u think peeps? Should I ask this beautiful stranger to the ball?

Titles? what for? Just read...

2007-05-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

He could be the purest I've ever known. He is rare like a gem and clear like the diamond.Indeed he possesses every attributes of the diamond. Like a diamond he's transparent- hiding no lies and deceit behind his astonishing facade.

He is gentle and soft. Reflecting the single colour of my life into many natural beautiful rays. Those colours he gave me to light up my darkest hour. He changes a frown to a smile and anger to daze. He managed the impossible with ease and grace.

Yet, he is strong and sturdy. Determined on his decision and firm on his grounds. Nothing could penetrate his beautiful mind and wear off his incandescence.

All his attributes as above make it impossible for anyone even myself to deflect the words he has once uttered. What is done is done, and a loss is a loss. He washes his hand clean from it. Never have I met a person like him. He washes me clean without a single trace of regret, and not a single twinge of doubt. How I admire him for his certainty. How I admire him for his dissimilarities from other men. He shines just like how a diamond does under the rays of the blessed sun. He shines in my eyes.

Yet is he as pure as I assume? May be so or may be not. But I know one thing for sure, he never fails to dazzle me.

Note: To whoever reading this but couldnt get the meaning, please dun complain to me. It is just another personal entry. Its only meant for me to understand and probably for you to decipher. but if you could understand then its allrite lah i guess.

Owh yeah..i changed the template into something green. I'm pro mother nature yo! Let's fight global warming and banish pollution! We need to unite and fight off these irresponsible perpetrators. We don't have much time and if we're too late we might fade away in Mother natures' wrath and vengeance. Support your true mother which is the earth. Love it and conserve it. Do not only think about your generation and think we could pass this phase without sufferomg any consequences because whatever is coming, it is coming rapidly to swallow us as well as the next generation. You can't escape but to join hand and save our environment. Peace yo!!!!!!

depression is kicking in...damn

2007-05-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

We used to be tight and we used to be as one. We moved around as a pack- loud, intimidating and clear. We used to paint the whole town red together, or more like the school red. We've been one since god knows when. We made promises of always being together or we'll actually make effort to be together till we grow old. We talked of being just like the desperate housewives on Wisteria Lane. Were those times just meant to be a memory to each of us? Or those promises that we make were based on empty words? Or are we just refusing to bother about the friendship that we used to cherish?

All I could do is just let out a sigh whenever I look at our pictures. Each one of us heading to different paths. Some of us have somebody to share the journey with and some of us are still hoping for somebody to walk with on our lonely path. But one thing for sure, all of us couldn't take the journey together. It seems the path is too small to fit all of us into it. The lane of life just gets smaller and smaller, and thus leaving only a few to remain on the journey, or make us leave and lead a solitary life.

My heart sank deeper when I hear each and everyone's voices. The warmth is gone and the soul seems to be empty. Or maybe I am just imagining it. But I still can't deny that the chemistry is gone. Sometimes the darker side of me tells me that we just don't care anymore. Then I'll feel a lump stuck in my throat and my heart gets heavier with sadness.

Some of us walk the path of life without even looking back. Their head is thrust ahead with full of eagerness for what life has to offer. Some of us walk the path of life with doubt and insecurity. Adding up to that vulnerability is the thought that we still lead a solitary life after all this years. Then there is one like me; who is still eager for what life has in store for her, but she just can't help to look back on her childhood memories. Who feels resentment towards the causes of our fall out, or maybe who just feels bitter towards the fact of reality.

Maybe the cause to our fall out is the illusion that we're still strong no matter what happens. The illusion causes us to neglect. Maybe some of us are just too caught up by the waves and surge of life. Maybe some of us just forget. Or maybe some of us just bottle it all inside. Maybe some of us just don't care. However to say that we just don't bother or care is harsh. Well.... if I can't say that then the only reason would be: we're reaching adulthood and independence starts to build with time. We're stronger than before and the need to depend on someone else is fading away. When you are happy and satisfied with yourself, friendship starts to lose its importance. Well is that explanation kind enough?

Well to those that actually take effort, I thank you lots. To some that just disappear, maybe the the waves of life would draw us together in no time. To whoever that I may appear aloof and distant to, Im sorry but in my heart I cherish the good times that we've had together. I just need to face the fact of reality. haih...

Im too free...

2007-05-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Friday night is my movie night. I relish my own private movie time as I find it relaxing, and insightful. Besides it sparks my creativity. However after watching "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim world" which was directed and written by the well-know comedian (i don't know him actually) Albert Brooks, I was left disappointed, unsatisfied and unsettled. The movie did not reach my expectations considering it is an American movie and based on the non-fictional journey of Albert Brooks to India and Pakistan on a mission to find what actually ticks the people there.

America in a post 9/11 world have been on the mission to dig deep into the psychology of the Muslims. Much effort and experimentations have been done, however they have been doing it in the wrong way which is through war and violence. Bush, being the " man who has a fair share of humour himself" (according to the Americans anyway) have sent Albert Brooks to India and Pakistan with hopes of a 500 pages report from the man himself on what makes the Muslims laugh.

Being an American and also a Jew, things have been made particularly odd for him as it has been widely known that the Muslims and the Jews don't get along very well. However his faith wasn't a barrier in his eyes. He toiled and brainstormed for ideas on how to find the comedy in the Indian world. After a devastating discovery, he found out that no comedy club is opened in India. Thus he sent out fliers to the busy people congesting the small road in Old Delhi aka "madhouse" in order to inform these people of his comedy act which will be held in a school's auditorium. He also went to the extent of illegal crossing to Pakistan for 4 hours to share some comedy with the Pakistani's own aspiring comedians. However things did not go as plan when both Pakistani and India government suspected him of terrorism. He was eventually sent back to America by forced and his presence in India as well as Pakistan (illegally) exerted some strain on both of the government which have been on peace for the whole 2 years. Things came back to normal between the frontiers when they actually learned the truth of Albert's mission. Albert eventually could only hand in a 6 pages in length report to the U.S government and his dream for the 'Medal of Freedom' vanished into thin air.

I find it disappointing because being a Caucasian and oblivious to the Asian culture, he did not try to understand the culture and the people itself. He presented to them the basic stand up comedies that most Americans are used to but not what the Indians are used to. He did not understand the state of poverty in India and that they have no time for sarcasm and improvisation. Indian people just want a light, hearty joke which they could find easily through movies. He was still stuck to the ideas of what makes Americans tick but did not adapt to the Indian culture and think out of the box. He sends off the message to me as someone who is unmalleable, difficult to comprehend new ideas and not adaptive. Thats why he failed to make the people laugh. The only time where he could actually make the Pakistani laughed was because they were high on drugs.

The movie lacks depth even though commentators dubbed it as "hilarious" and " a classic". But it failed to bring up new meaning and horizons to watchers. It also failed to make the watchers understand the Muslim's or the Indian's mind as it only focuses on him instead of on the people, which I find as the important element if their real purpose is to banish misunderstandings and to close the gap between the western and eastern world.

I suggest you can watch it if you want, but it's really not interesting as I expected more from an American movie. Rasa bengang nie...

untitled.

2007-05-04T03:06:00.000-07:00

Guess what? My car got clamped today and Ms Caroline (lit lecturer) got to see the whole embarrassing moment. Syok giler man! Never had the feeling that you get when your car gets clamped. Went to the guard, the guard asked me to see the abang tiket. The abang tiket said I would have to pay 50 ringgit!!!!!! Just got my allowance yesterday and here I am spending one-third of my allowance on the stupid clamping ticket!

After I've paid the ticket only the whole personnel who were hanging out by my car said, "ALAH, kenapa tak jumpa abang jer? Kan senang mcm tue, tak payah bayar!".

Swt...dah bayar baru bagitau lah? He said, "takpe, next time kalau kena clamp lagi nanti jumpa abang lagi".

Wahlau, when would it be the next i get clamp again? Next ten years if it were to be in the same building! If it's sumwhere else i might get clamped soon enough because of my reckless parking style.

Anyways, i cant help but mention this! I SAW MY MUSCLE FUCKING MAN! WOHOOO

He made my day lah. I was on the way to the ladies when I passed by the computer lab and I saw a gorgeus creature that caught my eyes. Without hesitation, i knew it was him and it turned out to be HIM! My muscle man.

I just heard him talk today and he has the sexiest voice along with a sexy aura. He's not thaAAAT good looking but its just the whole aura that he sends off as SEXY! SENSUAL AND MASCULINE.

Haih...Im so desperate. The bad news is that he might be graduating anything soon this year, coz I heard from his friend (whom he were talking to about some project) that he's graduating this semester. Wahhh...I dont have much time anymore.

I want my muscle man to stay. I want my eye candy to stay....PLEASEEEEEEEEE

= (

2007-05-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

When you lose any material object of your affection, the feeling of anger and hopelessness would creep in but never will u feel the feeling of loss. But when you lose somebody, doesn't matter he/she is important or not, the feeling of loss is there to stay. After experiencing one or 2 losses, I still couldn't comprehend this feeling that i get, which is loss. The feelings are just quizzical, well right now it is.

Few months back, after a bad break up, I experienced the most excruciating feeling of loss. It was painful and quizzical. Now after losing someone that I care, the feeling remains but to only make me feel even more quizzical. It's all a big question mark to me. I can't make out these numb feelings that I get. I cant tell whether it's emptiness, or anger, or anything, it's just a numb feeling that just refuses to go away. It intrigues me.

After talking with the hongkees in the library, I realised something in the comfort of my own room. Besides, I was talking to YYR about it and by talking about it, it peels the logical explaination behind the contradicting words I have just uttered.

I told them that I want to have a relationship but neither do I want to be in the getting-to-know each other process which happens whenever you meet someone new, nor do I want to have a boyfriend. I just want to be in the comfort zone where only couples who have been together with each other for over a year period can achieve. Then June said, thats means you just want to be in a relationship. It made sense during that time, but it confuses me again. I don't want to have a boyfriend but i gawk at them constantly. Neither do i want a gf coz everything would get complicated. But i just wanna love and care for somebody and likewise I want somebody to do the same to me.

While I was talking to Yeong Ren then it strikes to me. These feelings that I get came from the feeling of loss from Imran. Even though it was only a fling but it has everything that I have been looking for. He's someone that I care and love, but he's not my boyfriend. We're not in the introductory phase of a relationship coz we are too far away to do that, but we do keep in touch with each other often.I feel really at a comfort zone with Imran even though it has been only 2 months. I feel like I'm in a relationship that is commitment free. Exactly, that is what i have been looking for. Commitment free relationships. I want to feel comfort and love without all the hassles necessary in a relationship.

However, the feeling of loss is the only emotion I can't handle well. I've beginning to feel phobic towards the feeling of loss and this is a sign I might bet clingy in the coming relationship (which will come only the next 1000 years). Owh well..no pain no gain. gotta rush into my law essay now, or not I will even more depressed tomorrow.

always a fallout but not a happy ending.

2007-05-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

Something rather unexpected happen. After spending relentless effort to find ring ring card in all 7-11 franchise, I finally got my hand on one in the nearest Giant mall. According to the guy, its not ring ring card, its called italk. Aha...no wonder i couldnt get any ring ring card. In effort to find the ring ring card, i stumbled upon some Sabahans who accosted me, but I deliberately ignored them. The result of such foolishness is, a group Sabahan hooligans gathering around my car and the leader sitting on the bonnet. Scary...

However, upon acquiring the ring ring card i cant wait for the clock needle to strike 30 past 11, to dial the one and only Kashmiri number that I have and that same number get me all excited and nervous whenever i receive a call from that blessed land. The conversation turned sour when he asked me " What do you think about marriage?"

Huh? marriage? why of all things do u ask me about the ever perplexing topic of marriage? I hate that topic, i don't believe in marriage and I know my answers could never suit yours. He told me once he wants to get married at the age of 26 and he's 21 this year. Haih...

I gave a little laugh to brush off the topic and said "I dont like marriage, and I want to get married when I am old" in a light tone and manner.

He in returned exclaimed " owh my god, when you're old?"

"yeah, when im old, and youngest probably 28? what about you?"

He said "probably i'll get married after my college".

"Why don't you ask your mum to find you a nice kashmiri girl to get married with?"

"Why are you saying this? What about you?" he asked me.

"If you were to wait for me, it would be the next ten years and you would be 31. It would be too long or it just seems impossible. Just get married if you want and don't take account of me. But I still love to be your good friend (corny i know)" i said tenderly to soften the harsh words.

It didn't work, he just kept quiet. I asked him why is he being so silent, he just replied "I have nothing to say or more like I don't know what word to say. I am just shocked".

There you go my dear, a perfect example of a culture clash. I knew this fling would never last but I just didn't expect it to end this way. Then the line got cut. Tried calling him but nobody answered the call. I gave out a big sigh and put down the phone.

I gave him a text message saying "I love and do care for you, but i just don't want to stop you from doing the very thing that you want to do. I want you to be happy. I want to give you lots of choices and freedom, and I dont want to be the barrier in between. I'm trying to be frank and I don't want to hide anything from you. I just hope I could still have this friendship" and he replied nothing back.

Regret sank in along with the harsh reality. I thought I could forever be lost in the Kashmiri dream of mine, but I know I have been fooling myself for far to long. I just like the idea of him but not him and his mind. I just love having the thought of him but not the commitment. Realisation sank in and my guts told me I would never hear anything from him again unless miracle release its magic which I knew it never actually exist.

The object that gives life to your limbs and muscles.

2007-05-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

I could remember the feeling that I get when I could execute a challenging dance move with precision and style. It's just exhilarating. I feel like I could do anything else in the world and I AM THE superwoman.

It's even more sublime when I could watch everybody and I grooving to the music in the mirror but at the same time sharing thoughts through eye contacts and face expressions from the mirror.

The mirror is the connector to the effusion of feelings mingling in the room. The emotions needed escape from the overwhelmed body and the mirror is that proxy.

From the mirror I could see some high in ecstasy from dancing. Their eyes up looking up to the ceiling and body dancing out the steps as if God has gifted it to them since birth.

Then there are people like me; who struggled to cope but when they are in tune with the music and the body run its course, a smile will break from the frowning face and everything seems bright and nothing could wrong. That is until when she has missed a step or two and the trance is broken.

Well...they are also people who kept facing the ground and never took their eyes off from their feet. If they do, they feel the angel of death might just stare them in the eyes and strip away their lives. These people are the ones moving with difficulties, have the permanent frown stuck in their faces and move awkwardly.They are such funny people. I know its not nice to laugh, but sometimes i catch myself laughing in the mirror after taking a glance at one or two of these people. Cute people I will say.

What's even hilarious is when the awkward lost guy starts to sit down and complain about all the moves and how they are just so wrong. His eyes will start to get wild and hand will start flinging in the air as his speech avalanches with growing confusion and exasperation.

The most perfect body language of love could only be conveyed by a dance. When a man and women dance, everything around them starts to fade and what matters only is them. A man cant force a woman if she doesn't want to dance, and man could only lead if she lets him lead. Respect and Honour play much effort in this duo to create harmony. A perfect example of roles for men and women. A woman is not a man's property and therefore he can't subject her to do the things that she doesn't want to do. A man should gain a woman's acceptance and then only could he move with her as one.

It doesn't matter what kind of dance, but when a man and a woman interact in a dance it would never fail to fascinate me. It just fascinates me when a man touches a woman with tender love and care, carries her into the air with effort and security, and will never let her fall when her feet touches the ground. However if he fails to do those things, the magic of the dance will be lost and the dance could never be a dance of love. It just intrigues me how life needs to apply the principles of dancing to create perfect congruence between mankind and also sexes.

I just love the image when a man touches a woman by the hip and their body unites with the single magic of music and its melody. Their souls merge into one and create rainbow of emotions; all odd and beautiful.

Dancing has been a passion, but a dying one. With unending task and duties, I am caught in the society's web of expectation. I just wanna run away and relive the spark in me, which is to dance.

Queen says, do this now or forever contain your regrets!

2007-04-25T03:05:00.000-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

This is by far the most satisfying quiz I've ever done. It's unique, it's different and it's not only pleasant, but sparks creativity when you look at it. This quiz is done by selecting a picture that suits your preference in account of the questions (is my sentence rite? it sounds wrong, heck). I just adore the photography. Every part of it ranging for the colours (they are bright and happy), the angles and it truly reflects the mood of the picture.Apart from that, I really like this quiz because it evaluates your subconscious trough the pictures that you choose and somehow it's like a psychological test . Thanx Joshie for posting this up in your blog, I love it. I am the Queen of all quizzes and The Queen says, do this test or u will face exile! Run along now!

Ramblings.

2007-04-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

I've never liked Malay movies, wanna know why? They lack substance. Cicak man, Kl menjerit, so on and so forth. There was an era where there were hypes for low budget movies too, like Mat Jutawan or I guess it goes something like that. Those movies were favourites mainly because its stupid, hilarious(to those certain "audience" anyways) and definitely its a big favourite among the directors too coz firstly its cheap and takes up less time to produce and the output triples or should I say so much satisfying compared to high budget movies.

Once you've taken literature, or more exposed to Arts, or just much into Arts, pretty much everything change before your eyes. Movies that seemed to be light now seems much heavier in meanings, makes you gawk in awe and leave you so much to ponder about. However, certain movies could just turn you off because it insults your intelligence and disturbs your sensitivity because of how cheapskate they are and it leaves you wondering how could they downgrade themselves and the society by producing such low quality movies.

I say downgrading because if you could compromise on quality just to earn big bucks and make the people love it, it shows how shallow and similar you are to other "buaya and cicak kobeng" out there. Secondly, when the society could degrade their standard to watch such low-class of production it shows just how oblivion our society is.

Get it?

However there are other brilliant Malaysia directors out there such as Yasmin the story teller(is that her name?) and so on and so forth (im sorry but i just cant remember directors names). But, i do remember movies okey?

I find Puteri Gunung Ledang to be quite moving and spectacular for a Malaysian standard. Grand setting, moderate acting skills, but still its high in quality (of course! it is because it took 2 mil to produce it). Then there is Sepet, and other production of Yasmin Ahmad (is that her real name?)

Last but not least my current favourite Malay movie is Cinta. Full with meanings, artistic values, and a true reflection of the City Kuala Lumpur and the people that inhabit it. Not to be forgotten I just love how they potray Love in the movie.

Love is subjective and the movie potrays Love in many angles. Apart of Love being the theme, i feel like infidelity and loyalty is the major ones too. Before getting into the theme, I'll just start off with certain aspects of the movie that I find interesting.

In the movie, everybody is in pursuit of love and happiness. Isnt that the element everybody is looking for? However it compromises different kind of stories, potraying different kind of love and different kind pursuits. What I find interesting is this, even though every story is different but they unite through the settings. I find that the director did a good job with how these different characters look at each other as ordinary strangers but they meet coincidentally in one setting.The sharing of settings to me symbolises the bond that they share in pursuit of Love.

Secondly, how each story has it own irony. Its pretty hard to explain, but each character that evolve around the play oppose each other. For example, Dian a successful architect is single and rich, but she is in love with a married man. She said not everybody finds a married life ideal opposing to her friend who is married with a kid. Meanwhile her friend whats-his-face, sorry i can remember his name but lets call him Y, thought he was happy until his wife left him for another man who thinks love is the thing that must give her constant happiness and by leaving her sweet husband for another man will just give her that. These kind of women make me feel angry, they think love is like a fairy tale. Back to the point, I feel like these two characters meaning Y and Dian are totally different but a perfect jigsaw puzzle. If they were to come together, everything that they want and need will be fulfilled. But as what malays like to say "takde jodoh, jadi nak buat macam man?"

Then there is Dhani, the younger brother to Dian who in opposed of Dian's life, live with a meager income as a street artist, drawing potraits of random people on the street. They are in constant fights because Dian thinks he could be much happier if he were to sell his paintings and have them up in galleries. However Dhani thinks he is so much happier living his life as the way he wants it instead of living like his sister, who is a big shot architect but couldn't find true love and lives miserably.

To me this two instances show how perfectly opposite these people are but their attributes compliment each other IF only they were to put aside their differences and unite. To me its ironic and confusing. Its like everybody is living in one vicious cycle of love, where one need the other but the other is in pursuit of another, and the third party is in pursuit of another, and everybody is in the race but they dont realise is that what they need is already in front of them.

That was what Dian said to her brother, everybody is in pursuit of something uncertain until they forget to celebrate the things that they already have.

Writing this thing out is really confusing me more. But this movie is highly recommendable if you are to watch something simple, sweet yet eye tearing (is there such a word?). I love the settings, it shows the true side of Kl and its people. Its hubbub and also the kampung side of KL where nobody gets to see. I love the trains especially and it has more depth to it when a character (Taufik) who lives by the rail said, "All the windows and doors are open, if u were to scream everybody would hear and then rescue you. But the only time when they cant is when the train passes by and everything that is said between us is just meant between us". awww sweet rite?

I found my ideal and perfect husband to be in that movie too. I told myself I wont get married unless i find a man who knows what i need and who respect me as a woman, and by getting entangled to him I wont lose my rights as a woman. I am a feminist and feminist just detest marriages. The character that goes by the name Taufik is a gem for every ladies and if there is such a man like that, do ring me okay? He's not a man of many words, but his action speaks louder than his few spoken words. He understands what you need and would go to that length to provide you with the things that you need without flaunting it or say "hey i got these things for u ok, i worked hard for it so i hope you u would appreciate it and not belittle my effort".

Besides he's the man that would do all the small gestures but full with sincerity. I just adore small gestures. I hate men who display their love through grand dinners and big diamond rings. It doesnt work that way with me honey. Anyways, enough of my rambling. Go to the nearest Cd store and get one of em Cinta cds ok? Probably you would like it as much as I do, and gawk at the sweetness that Taufik possesses.

Pathetic.

2007-04-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

This is the thing I don't get about myself whenever i log into Friendster. The deal is this, I've realised that Friendstar doesn't play any significant part in my life, neither do i get messages, testimonials or whatsoever that often, however I always find myself in Friendster checking empty inbox and looking at random pictures eventhough how much i try to resist it.

Why do I have this syndrome? I feel like I am being shallow and useless checking this Friendster thingy just because I used to do it and Friendster is a trend. Just because everyone is doing it, I am doing it too. =.=

I feel like im insulting my intelligence. Hehehe not to that extreme lah actually but I do have those thoughts sometimes.

So can someone suggest some ways for me to break this addiction or this "wanna-keep-up-with-the social-flow" thingy, or suggest some things about Friendster that will make me look at it in a different angle and thus wont make me feel so stupid whenever i log in. Duh!

Peacock oh peacock!

2007-04-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am very sorry for the late update. Heck, why should I even be sorry (mind you I am not a apologetic person) when I dont update my blog. Probably I feel out of tune with the blogsphere and whenever you take the effort to drop by my page and there is nothing new on the screen. Probably thats why i should be sorry, basically the reason is for causing you boredom whenever you come by my page. Enough of tattling because I have more nonsensical issue to tackle...Heh

Basically, its just this matter of vanity that took root in my head for the couple of hours. This issue of vanity had actually been constant in my mind since god gave me hormones and decided to activate it and give me pimples. Its called puberty. When we get puberty the outcome would be VANITY! WE GET VAIN IN ORDER TO ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX (could be same sex too) and re procreate. Sometime I just feel like we are a bunch of wild animals and our world is like the vast flourishing (sometimes dry) African land, and we are the habitants (animals).

When we were young it reminds me of the baby elephants that frolic around with its peers as well as the elder generation of elephants. They are happy, optimistic, and carefree. Flinging its trunk high up in the air and canter(so not suitable for elephants, but im short of vocabs) around the muddy river soil.

When we get older, we become somehow like the peacocks. We get VAIN! We proudly show our best "assets", or groom ourselves and eccentuate our "assets". From this, we are actually applying the survival technique into our life which is, "TO MAKE THE BEST OF EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE" and flaunt the result. Im sorry for crapping, but I have been keeping this for too long.

Some of us could be just like crows. Black and just as dull. Instead of accentuating our black feathers by making it look "clean and shiny", we tend to just let it have germs, and pieces of rice and meat on our fur. Right now I feel just like a crow thanx to YEONG REN!

Thanx to this guy, he made me realise something that I refuse to acknowledge. He told me a friend of his dropped by his house and went through all the files in his computer. Being the pervert that Yeong Ren is, he stole some of my pictures. His friend saw one of my picture and exclaimed

"Wah who is this chick, so pretty wan".

Yeong Ren unspiritedly replied, "Its Zephyr lah!"

"Really? She looks so different now compared to the Zephyr that i saw yesterday and the one in this pic. This one looks prettier" the other guy said.

After hearing that remark, he forced me to admit to the recurring thoughts about myself being no longer as attractive as I was and Im losing my sense of "attraction" (then what about the guy who pointed to my boobs and thought out loud that it was C-cup?).

I've always had this thought about myself lately, but I always brush it off. How much as I want to run away from it, it is still a FACT. I have

1)Gained massive lots of weight.
2) Uncontrollable Hair.
3)Lost the radiance. (i think so lah)

Dont believe me? Just compare!

This one is the picture that the guy saw.

The other day when his friend saw me, I was similar to this pic. Except that my hair was all tied to the back.

Yeong Ren even said that when I was in Mich's house sitting among the aunties, I LOOK LIKE ONE OF THEM!

Thats why I say I feel like a crow. I may have gained lots of weight and my hair defies gravity, however I still could "clean the feathers and make it shiny". Get my drift? I could at least tame my hair by doing something with it. Secondly i could try exercising after months of not breaking a sweat. But i refuse to! I just let the "germs, garbage, and pieces of rice and meats s get stuck in my feathers".

Haih...I am just so clueless. Should I stay being contented with the person that I am today, or should I be the person that I was? Past and current. Which one should I pick?

P/s: Thanx Yeong Ren for lifting off the weight from my shoulders. You're a Gem!

Do you think I can go back and look like that again?...Haih even I am doubtful of myself. Maybe this is a transitional period before I blossom into a swan again. Pfft...gimme a break.

note: This is post is not meant to gather sympathies nor reassurance that I am still as attractive, but to KILL YEONG REN WITH GUILT! so that you wont mess with my mind again! MUAHAHAH

Flabbergasting discoveries

2007-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I can't help but to blog about what i've just read. It is simply unbelievable.

I was browing Msn and something caught my eyes. One of the article of the day was, Ten food Tough to Digest. Anything relevant and related to food will definitely ring off the alarm as i call myself the "food connoisseur" (self-proclaimed lah). However, the "food connoisseur" had the shock of her life when she found out that everything that she eats on daily basis, or her most favourite things to eat are "TOUGH TO DIGEST"! =.='

The first one they published was, fried chicken nuggets. Well its pretty logical why it is hard o digest, due to the oil which will upset most sensitive bowels.

However, i was pretty shocked to find spicy food, cabbage/broccoli, chocolate, mash potato, ice-cream, citric drinks, and onions are a task for my tummy to digest.

First of all, i need to have spicy food on my plate everyday. Secondly, cabbage and broccoli are my most favourite veges of all. Thirdly, whenever i go out to western restaurants i must have mash potatoes, and as a drink i must have ice lemon tea, or "Ais Limau satu, boss" (mamak it means).

Lastly, onions are my all time fav. Everything that is cooked with onion will always turn out savoury. I do like ice-cream, but im not their biggest fan.

Some of the food on the list, are beans and sugar free gums. I hate beans, so it doesnt matter. But they said, sugar free products are not really healthy. I down diet cola everyday.

So I am just wondering, is it me who have strong resistance to this foods and thats why Im not facing any difficulties to devour these favourite foods of mine, or am i killing my bowel day by day by forcing them to churn foods that are a nemesis to them?

Is that the reason why I make brown "babies" minimum once a day and maximum thrice a day? And is it the reason why the scale never move the left despite scaling 8 floor of stairs everyday?

You make the bet, I am just flabbergasted by my own petty discovery. Heh..

Mammary gland revealed!

2007-04-06T03:31:00.000-07:00

Something rather interesting happened to me today. I had hunches during class telling me that I was gonna get parking tickets because just as i left my car and walked up to college, i saw an army or parking ticket officer (whatever u call it). I had a feeling i was gonna get one of their gift as i parked illegally, but i parked my car really far. So I had to walk for quite a long distance.

Just forget about that and let me tell you about what i wore today. I woke a tank top with a low square neckline that shows cleavage. To maximize my bosom, i wore a padded bra today (unpurposely ok? I was late to class and that was the easiest bra to grab) . Moreover, my skirt was really loose and it kept on dropping down and baring my undies.Jadi, saya pun kena slalu tarik itu baju turun lah, supaya saya appear decent. This resulted in the showing of more cleavage. I thot everything was fine and i didnt look too indecent. Howeve i was wrong.

While i was walking back to my car, i passed by a chinese guy who was sitting on his motorbike and conversing loudly on the phone. I walked pass him without sparing any attention on him. But as i was reaching my car, i saw him again on in his motorbike. He stopped at the side of the road to continue talking on the phone. As i passed by him again, he put down his phone and conversed to me in Malay,

"Eh, lu tau tak mana itu skolah?"

"Skolah apa" i asked him back.

"U malayu ka?".

I nodded my head.

"Owh, lu tau tak itu skolah primary?" he asked me again.

"Owh saya bukan dari sini, jadi saya tak tau pasal skolah kat sini lah"

As i was about to make a step, when he called out to me again. When i turned around I saw his fingers pointing at my boobs and asked

"Itu, itu itu bra, SIZE C AH????"

I couldnt believe m ears when i heard him. I was flabbergasted and frighten of this perverted man and i couldn help but answer

"Mana ada lah, ini bukan size C lah!!!!!!"

"Owh yea kah, tapi kenapa manyak besar sangat"????

I WAS APPALLED AND HUMILIATED!

How dare he asked me such questions and i never knew such man existed! Wahlau...i thought.

I thought Malaysians males are civilized enough to handle a little "cleavage action", manatau I was wrong. I guess i put too much esteem and confidence into Malaysia men. They are afterall as uncivillised as a *tooot*!!!!

So, for u guys out there who were puzzled by my description of my undergarment and over emphasized on my clothing, now u know why. To create a clear picture for you people to understand!!

I guess i know now why i had hunches during classes, to warn me of a remark i was going to get regarding my bosom. Stupid unreliable hunches!

and oh oh oh! i saw my muscle man! u guys out there must be really clueless about my muscle man. But it seems that in the main, there is this one muscular guy, fair skinned and quite an eye candy. Plus he wore pink today and looked more like a real live walking candy. I love guys who wear pink, because it looks so good on them. Esp fair skinned guys.

He was walking opposite me and the first thing that caught my eyes were his muscles and when i looked up to his face, i realised it was my MUSCLE MAIN! I heard firecrackers exploding wildly in my head along with a siren sound! Its him, its him I thought.

I turned around to look at Sarah, and she knew what i was thinking about. Everything went by so fast!

When i went to a restaurant to eat, he was there too! NEEE NOOO NEEEE NOOOO NEEE NOOO my alarm went off again. As much I want to talk to him and ask his name, i was too shy. I am a Cancerian so i cant help but get shy around the person that im obsessed with ok???!!

To all of u who have been with me in Acmar, this is the same obsession that i had with Eric last time. Hahahahah but even much worse ok? Does it ring any alarm now??

But its wierd that my "cleavage action" did not divert his attention towards my way!!! Hmmpphh, im attracting all the wrong attraction!

Why of Why did i miss on the exotic spectacle?

2007-04-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

Does the word Bollywood ever trigger any reaction in you?

For some Malays (mind you kampung ones) will squeal in delight and babble and tattle about their favourite actress or actor.

To the Chinese, they will say "okaylah, nothing special. Just like Hollywood but its dominated by indians and of course a lil nonsensical coz its full of singing and dancing"

To my family, they will squirm in disgust at the though of watching a Bollywood movie, especially my mum. Whenever she catches me from watching a bollywood movie, she will say, after the movie, my IQ will decrease 30% from my current intelligence.

When i think of bollywood i think of "HRITIK ROSHAN".

A man with light green eyes that just melt my heart instantly. Sex appeal that never fail to turn me on and get my mind racing. U know what i mean ; )

When i think of Bollywood, i think of dances, colourful clothing, and some stupidity that could never fail to make me laugh (laugh in the sense how much they are faking their acting and how silly they are when they dance around the trees as well as rolling down from one bukit then from another bukit).

When i think of Bollywood i think about my Kashmiri fling, or crush or bf (watever you call it) and how much Bollywood relates to him until to a certain extent where i think by watching a Bollywood movie, I am relating and bonding with him as well as his "social background". Shallow i know. Lame I am certain.

However obsess I am, wait a minute, i don't think Im obsessed buti have a lil inclination to be a Bollywood fan(but not an ardent one), I could stay oblivious to the Zee Cine award held at Genting Highland last Sunday. I was fuming in anger when i read the newspaper and learned that Hritik Roshan was there. I got even angrier when realized that I missed out my one and only opportunity to meet the man in flesh, see him dance and flex his glorious muscles whenever he moves. Did i tell u i have a muscle fetish?

I was screaming to my sister why i was not made known of this festive award, and how a bollywood "fan" like me could be oblivious to such a thing. It was on Genting dei, how could i not know?

The reason lies on the lack of watching tv and commercials. Haih, so cavewoman lah me. Earth to cavewoman!

There were other actors and actresses there too such as Aishawarya Rai and Shah Rukh Khan. They all perfomed and i miss out the opportunity to see the king and queen of bollywood perform. I missed the grand spectacle! Im still fuming at that thought. Haih, i hope i could still see them, wait scratch that, i wish i could still see Hritik Roshan and invite him to experience a luxurious bed lust (got that from Shakespeare), eventhough he has a wife (who is rich by the way) and a son who goes by the name of my brother. Ironic.

I should learn by now that the past is the past, time and tide waits for no man, and i already have a Kashmirian fling/bf/watever u call it.BUT i missed out the chance to watch the sex god himself when he was so near to me, and i failed at the only chance given to me to understand and relate to my kashmiri "social background". I failed him by not making an effort to learn his culture, even more so of his country and also his personal favourite entertainment industry. Dramatic rite?

This is what you get when you mix a gullible girl with a foreign boyfriend. A totally new change of interest/obsession in her.

P/S: Surprisingly, i still don't know how should i classify my Kashmiri sweetie and what should i make of him. (This is what i call lust!). He called me yesterday too, and thats a great effort for me, since we have not talked for 2 weeks? So sweet of him.
Just look at those biceps and that sweet sweet smile of his. That is Hrithik Roshan.

Look and get lost into his deep eyes. So beautiful.

Boredness...

2007-04-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, im back after a week, but still as blank as the week before. I had lots of idea what to blog about last week, but it kinda slipped off my mind bit by bit. I wont blog about how my college went last week without pics, so i kinda like have nothing to blog about untill next week?haha

Dun play play ok, zeph is getting serious and a tab bit organized? I can see most of u r gasping in horror at that thought, but i am getting a lil bit organized from day to day. Well my resolution is to be organized this year, so shall it be!

Just wait up for me till next next week, and i'll update you guys about my college life, my new friends (dun jealous jealous) , and my studies and some of my love life *wink wink* (like my love life is anticipated by everybody).

I'll see you guys next week! Bye~!

p/s: i have Much Ado About Nothing to read by Tuesday.

WUARGHH

2007-03-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......

Thats not a sigh of relief people, but thats a scream...

A scream of mortification. Is there such a word?

When i was in school, being emotionally, mentally, and physically tortured by teachers (esp emo queen stephanie who ruined my life), i dreaded going to school. Plus with heaps of homework and SPM pressure, didnt make me feel any more excited or welcomed in school.

If u were to give me a million dollars but with the condition that i go back to school to resit SPM or sit for STPM, i'll give u a big fat ass "HELL FUCKING NO WAY".

Thats how reluctant i am. Back in school, i dreamt of going to college instead of school. I dreamt of doing assignment with laptop instead of using pen and pencils.

But how wrong i was, and how tainted that imagination is. Because college life is daunting...to me.

College life just baffles me. Probably you wouldnt know the reason why, but i'll lay everything nicely on the table, for u to gawk in horror.

On the day of the orientation (which starts at 8.30), i woke at 6 and left home around 7. HELP Coll is located at Bangsar, so i think i'll need an hour plus to reach there.

To my horror, i got lost. Im sick of getting lost. Whenever i go, i get lost. Not only i was lost, the traffic jam was so horrible till i had to scream, sing my lungs out and scream again till my ears got deaf just to release myself from the terrible AURA OF TRAFFIC JAM!

From klang, then i got to subang, then got to subang again, went out of subang, then i saw midvalley, then i got to bangsar, after that only i reached my college. I have to pass by everywhere to reach my college.

I reached my college around 9.05. Thank God Jay Yan was there, and helped me around. Or not, i'll get lost again. =.='

The "people" gave us some speech. Some were good, some were bad.

But i have to tell u guys about this one guy. More like an old man ok. He's 65 and i have no idea what his name is. He gave us a speech, and he said proudly " I congratulate all of you for making the decision to join Help coll for A-level".

"Not because you're in help, but its because u chose A-Level". He went on and on, and told us how much experienced he is in pre-u programmes and how he finds that A-level is the best programme and yada yada yada...

Wow...i was pretty much influenced and excited after his speech. Thinking that, wow, im doing A-levels u know and my future is gonna be bright and all.

After the speech we had ice-breaking session, which was lame. Dont want to explain much.

Subsequently, we had a tour around Help. I couldnt believe how punctured I was after a few walk around the bloke and under the blazing sun. I found out that, A-level department is in another building, and to get there i would have to take a bus there.

I was thinking , great! I have to get here by car and not forgetting the stressful journey, but when i reach here, i have to wait for a bus and reach that place by bus. Wahlau, so much of hassle just to reach a building wei!...

The tour was fine, but i was pretty much "pancit' after that u know. Out of energy. Loss of appetite and when i actually got my timetable and got my grouping, i have quite a hectic sechedule.

3 days a week, i would have to reach Help by 8, and on wednesday i have classes from 8 till 4, without any break because all of my four subs are on that day, starting with Law, then econ, then eng.lit then maths. If my LAN classes fall on Wednesday too, then i would have to stay from 8 am till 6 pm! Talk about torture...

Coincidentally, my mandarin class falls on that day too. If I've decided to take the mandarin class, then i would have to go to another class on the same day at 8pm till 9.30 pm. Thinking about this just made me feel so fatigue and tired on that day.

Should i drop law? I dont need law in the future, so should i drop one and focuse on the 3 subs like some of A-level students? Its less tiring, and its definitely less hectic. Probably, i could focus more and score better for the 3 sub. So how?

Not only that, the expenses in Help for a day is really high. Like on dat day, my parking fee came up to Rm13 ringgit and thats because I have not gotten the voucher yet. The toll would come up to around 7 ringgit, and food would come around 6 if i eat at mamak. If i were to go to Subway or what, then it would cost around Rm 10 a day? On that day itseld, i had to spend Rm50...Guess i'll have to pack my own sandwiches then..haih, talk about budgeting.

How can i survive?...Would i survive?

Before i forget to mention, i did make some acquintaces, but most of the girls that i talked with are so not my type. I mean not in the type for a lesbo partner but a sidekick in college. Most of them are so goody, and u know girly. I've not met anyone that is as whacky as i am, or as crazy as my friends. I think I wont have any college frens. Saddening...Most of the guys are like freaks. I wanna have another Yr in coll. Or probably aother Hakim or so to crack me up. If i cant get Chen Hou or other guys, Nee Keong will do. I want another Kah Mun, and Mich. Or probably another Leanne or Pooi Yee. But it would be called making new friends if i keep on expecting to have people like them to be my friends.

But much to this problems, im not trying to make myself feel any better. I may sound like im complaining, but i am not. I am just worried. Really really worried. Its not that i am ungrateful and i feel like my royal blood will fade due to this hard work, but everything seems so daunting rite now.

The question is, can i make it? should i drop a sub? Am i strong enough to take all this?

I take myself as a strong person, but im just really intimidated by all of this. Really I am..

Guess this programme is as a litmus test of my persistence and dilligence...and of course of how far can i carry myself without getting washed away by defeat.

When i got home, i messaged Imran and he made my day. Instead of calling me Baby, or sweetie like most guys, he calls me doll, and sometimes queen aka Rajay. When i told him of my "adventure", he said to gain something i would have to lose something. I should not stay pesimisstic (is that how u spell it?) as i am now, but i would have to be positve.

When i though that this guy is like any typical guy, he surprises when all the time. He steps up to the game everytime when i need him too. But let me assure u guys, that this is not love. Its just moral support...hehehe, love is a big word for me to attain and comprehend.

OWH YEAH! i met Fasha today...Giler stim. I was so shocked and flabbergasted.

Why do famour bloggers have the propensity to write nothing but about themselves?

2007-03-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have a new blogger to introduce. She's not entirely new in the blog sphere, but she is kind off new to me. Means I just got to know of her existence................... only recently.

I am so sick of Xia Xue, the loud, foul mouthed, attention seeking blogger. She may be fun for a few days, but u'll get sick of her attitude some day. She comes off as someone who is obnoxious but i cant deny her creativity. However she thinks the world evolves around her.

Then there are other bloggers such as Kenny Sia and Dawn. These people are famous but they are just so OVERRATED! The word that comes out from my mouth after reading their blogs are "Gimme a break".

They write of nothing in their blog, but of toilet bowl humour esp for Kenny, while Dawn, just like Dawn itself, still make people lost in slumber.

Then there is the other blogger which makes me scream in agony, pain, hatred, and anger whenever i stop by her page. She is of course the infamous blogger, May Zhee. Who screams for attention with her child like tantrums, ranting, and over-the top usage of vocab, but who has no style of writting. Have u ever read her book? The is no style of writting at all. More like a kid's writting. She talks of nothing but herself and she post pictures of nothing but herself.

I've stopped reading her blog a long time ago, but somehow there is this twitch of curiousity in my head that makes me click on her link from mich's blog. Maybe just to see what she's up to now, and to see whether she has changed. But she's still the same child who thinks of nothing but herself and her cookie aka as Fatty.

I need to read some worldly issue, not some kid's blog whose world is infested with vanity.

Apart from that, there are other common blogs. Mich, i really like your blog though. I am an avid reader. N Jayne I read your blog too. But there are other "bloggers" too that i so dont wanna mention here. Im hated enough in this circle of people becoz of certain things i've done. But these bloggers have no imagination. Period.

They post pictures and tell the whole word what they have done on that day, with their so klang-ish English. Sometimes i feel like I'm killing my English by reading their post.

Not to be forgotten, i love Josh's blog too. He has style when he writes. It comes of as funny, light and just so Joshie. I love his reviews, as its so writer's like and it so can be trusted.

So I have a blogger to introduce since i've just acknowledged her existence. She is called as MayaKirana. She's in her 30's and she write about some "earthy" things u know. I call it earthy coz its so real and down to earth. Most bloggers reflect the image of metal in my head whenever i've read their blog, coz its so hard (hard in a sense that is so rigid and stupid in humour) and cold because they never set any warmth in my heart.

This blogger, she writes about food, her pets and some other simple stuff. She is a matured writer (duh!, she 33), who has a lovely style of writing which has some interesting vocab u could learn from. Unlike May Zhee's blog that has vocabs that are so rigid and out of this world which come off as "unuseful" to add into ur list of Vocab. I dunno why i abhor her so much. Maybe for pure evil!..hehe

Give her (her as in MayaKirana, not as in May Zhee) blog a try. It may not suit you, but it suits my line of thoughts and in search of simple writers. Her url is

http://mayakirana.com/blog/?m=200703

She sounds familiar, but i cant make out who she is. So peeps, stop reading May Zhee's blog and some other stupid bloggers who write nothing of sex and sex and sex (because they think its so cool and it will excite some controversy thus will boost their popularity), but try to read hers.

P/s: Im not trying to imply that i am good writer by trying to make out other bloggers as no good or whatsoever. I just like to read blogs, because i have nothing to do when i go online. But these overrated bloggers are so killing me with stupid, and toilet-bowl standard of facts and humour.

Cheers.

watever...

2007-03-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

Im back, with nothing much on my mind actually. But i found out these interesting facts from my dad...and i find it funny and yet pretty true, even though how satirical it is...

Different people, with different culture and background has a different approach to buy vehicles , esp car.

According to my dad, whenever Chinese want to buy a car, they always takes account of the number of seats. The more seats, and the more people they can fit, then its a good deal. I found it to be quite true, esp to the economical kinds, because true to a Chinese nature, they like to save and to gain profit from whichever aspect as possible.

However, to Malays, they'll look into the engine and how fast can it go, because true to a Malay's nature, they like to waste time by racing and gain name and popularity through unnecessary and unprofitable activity, such as racing again and modifying their mobile. Lame...

Meanwhile to the Indians, none of the things above matter to them, not engine, the number of seats or the how efficient the signal works. The only thing that matters to them is the honk. The louder and clearer the honk is, the better it is. I found this to be true because while i was in India, the only thing that they use while driving on the road is the honk! The honk every 5 minutes! It drove us INSANE!

I hope you guys wouldn't take this seriously, its just a matter of satire and pure joke.

One more thing to add, it seems that I have to have my Lit paper rechecked for mistakes, because according to my Lit tutor, there must have been a mistakes, since all of her students got b4 and b3, and she's pretty pissed!...If i can get another A then my dream would come true..weee!

Cancerian will feel emo once in a while...

2007-03-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'll create poems when my heart overflows with feelings. I may not be good at it, but it is something i have always been doing. I am not gonna tell whom I dedicate this poem to, but if you know me well, you'll know for whom it is for. If you don't, take it as a mystery. But for sure, it has nothing to do with people of the past, but mostly for the person that inhabits the present.

At night before I sleep,
I always wonder how would it feel,
to be beside you
where it is sacred and pure?

How would it feel to have your hands in mine?
how would it feel to have me in your arms
and to always be looking in each other's eyes?
How I sigh at the moment when I had you,
but I threw it all away easily.

When I sleep,
I dream of holding your hands and
witnessing its every crease and lines,
gazing at each and every fingers of yours with ease and calm,
to feel the heat of your palm against mine
and to reminisce how hard and masculine your hands felt
when I am away again.

When I wake up,
I daydream of having you wrapped in my arms,
with my head resting on your neck
breathing in every particle and whiff which i call 'you'.
I imagine my hands running through your hair,
feeling every strand of your fine hair slip through it.

Meanwhile during the evening,
I will make a prayer for god to grant me my wish,
a wish to be able to see you again
and have myself sink into your lovely warm brown eyes.
I know i will feel all reborn and special again
like you never fail to do so,
whenever you gaze at me lovingly with those blissful
eyes of yours.

I could only wish,and wish and wish,
to do all this things to you until,
the fateful day comes when i shall step onto the land
that you dwell on and call home.
The day shalt come, when I could
capture your beauty as well as your soul
and make them as my lullaby to my slumber,
as the cure to the pain of lonesome
that inhabit me on my most sleepless nights.

stim giler...

2007-03-07T22:41:00.000-08:00

When the most reactive substance of metal comes across water, chemical reaction will take place, resulting in explosion, fire and smoke.

Thats what we are and that is what we get when we come together.

Sometimes, in a chemical reaction unpredictability comes forth, creating much surprise and exhilaration.

Thats what we get, when we come together.

Like acid and metal we are, totally two different substance, however when put together we unite and create MAYHEM AND CHAOS!

Thats who we are.

Thats me.

+

Him

= CHAOS AND MADNESS!

As i quote 'him' " there is never a day when I am with Zephyr, there will be no laughter or something to laugh about"

I replied "when you're with me, u'll do all the unthinkable."

He then said " No, no, no, only when we come together, we'll do the unthinkable."

Thats why i say, we're like two different substance, but when joined together, we create chemical reaction with disastrous effect.

It all started with one day (which was yesterday), during an evening, after filling up my precious bean bag (that took most of my stupid pocket money), i realised that i didnt have enough beads or beans, whatever it is called to fill up the bean bag and make it comfy.

So i messaged Yeong Ren in Msn saying that i should have bought 10 sets of beads instead of 5 when i was with him the day before in jusco.

So we were just talking and i was updating my blog, when i told him i want to get more beads soon. i asked wanna come?

He said he cant come, coz he has been going out too often. But then he said, he felt like reading magazines. So i told him, when im on the way to jusco i'll drop by ur house to pass u readers and times. He said ok and i got ready to go to jusco.

As i reached his shop to pass the mags, we talked and i played with Abi, until i asked him again, "u sure u wouldnt want to come? Just for awhile oni, to get the beads and we come back"

"I dont feel like working aso lah, so okaylah i follow u to jusco.

On the way to jusco itself i was feeling hungry and had a yearning for fish & chips. I knew this would never be a short outing.

I kept asking Yeong Ren, where to eat, where to eat and we eventually came up with an idea to eat at Tgif.

Mana tau when we got there, we put ourselves up to a challenge and the challenge was,

EACH ONE OF US TO EAT "THE THREE COURSE MEAL" SET UNTIL OUR PLATES ARE CLEAN AND NUTHING LESS! (but could be more).

If either one of us cant finished up our meal, one of us would have to pay for the bill. Fuiyoo, that was when the excitement began.

First course: Appetizers.

Me: Mushrooms
Yeong Ren: Buffalow wings (i made him choose that because i know it is harder to finish, beside it was salty too).

Everything was fine, after finishing up the appetizers, we still felt hungry.

Then came the main course.

Me: Fish&chips
Yeong Ren: Pasta with sauteed fish.

This was when the real fun took place. I annoyed Yeong Ren like crazy! I tried to take his picture secretly, sweet mouthed him telling him that he was such a sweet boy and always a sweetie to me. Then i tried making him believe that the fish was too much for him and the cream sauce is really creamy. I even made puking sound to trigger his puking sensation. BUT TO NO AVAIL!

But i know he was really suffering. In the end he finished his food first. DAMN!

The best part was when, he was trying to eat the tomatoes. He hated tomato but part of the challenge was to finish everything there is on the plate.

I had fun screaming and wailing in laughter. That was a good moment to me, where even money cant buy! I even had him on cam eating the tomato and pulling a kawaii pose. He hated that post and really wanted to delete it.

I said, i would post it in friendster, blogger and show it to Mich and Pooi Yee but only with one condition, he would down a shot of vodka. It worked! i have been pestering him to shoot down vodka since the beginning but he was so reluctant. i was so happy! *evil grin*

Then came the,

FREAKING DESSERT! It was my turn to suffer.

Me: cheeseckae
Yeong Ren:Chocolate Malt cake.

I thought I was leading, but mana tau he finished first and i was left in misery behind his trail of dust!

The cheesecake was really treacherous. I swear i would never eat cheesecake for the next six month, or even at the whiff of it i would PUKE!

My eyes were all red and watery half way through the cheesecake. I really wanted to barf but i took it in.

Then came Yeong Ren the annoying beast. It was his turn to annoy me, saying the cheesecake was too cheesy, saying i was so sweet and thats why he likes to sit with me and even said "Eleh, u said when u eat, u really eat! what is this?". I was starting to get really pissed and nearly smacked his head but he was too far away and my hand cant reach his stupid big head.

It took me half and hour, i think to finish up the cheesecake. I took down the last cheesecake into my throat with much agony and fear. Fear that my throat would just reject everything and barf out on the table.

Then came the Vodka!....I love this part!

We downed the vodka with one shot and POOF! we were on LaLa land.

Yeong Ren's face was red, and I cant see properly. We cant even walk properly anymore, and before we knew it, we failed as a drinker. We totally failed and i quote Yeong Ren ;

"Those who drink everyday rite, FUCK THEM LAH"

I was just laughing and laughing away. We even went to Blook, in a high situation to try on shoes. The lady there told us, all the shoes there are out of stock, esp the ones in my size. Giler babi bohong ok? Probably because we went there at 9.30 where every shop has closed and only left them and with us trying to pester them for shoes!

Then came the moment, i dreaded for....Driving.

Everything was fine until i was at the toll, and i started straying from the normal toll to "touch and go" toll, when i dont even have a touch and go card. I cant believe it that i was seeing double vision! Yeong Ren takut edi!...hahaha

After that, i was looking for my wallet and Yeong Ren couldnt find it. I had the fright of my life when he said he really couldnt find it. I had to pull by the side of the road to find it. Mana tau it was just beside him. GILER POTONG STEAM OK?

After that, i was not high anymore, but more like annoyed.

When i reached home, i looked up to sky and guess what I saw? AN ORANGE MOON! i called Yeong Ren up and all he did was laugh and laugh and laugh. Giler kurang ajar...

See! i took in cam and its really orange ok?...

I could never believe that we could even stray from plan that much. So crazyyy...From the plan just to buy beans, we could go to Tgif and come back drunk. haih...

part two...better read this thorougly, took me hours to finish.

2007-03-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Like any other lazy blogger in the world...i shall just post pictures and captions to complete my part 2 of india! muahahah....it's less time consuming for both the readers and the blogger...so its a win win situation!

After i got back from Kashmir, we took a bus to Jaipur known as the Pink City. U wanna know why its called the Pink City? coz every building in that town is in PINK! I think May Zhee would love that city since its pink, so i suggest she should live in Jaipur and marries a retarded Indian and have psycho semi white semi black children. MUAHAHAHAHA I'm feeling very evil today.

I visited a place called The Amber fort. A fort is basically a building used for defence. In that fort, the king lives there. It's ok, but not so much of fun so here are the PICTURES!

The garden in the palace....

The people there are poor until she asked me for money after taking her pic. I like her in this pic. It looks magical but scary at the same time.

Then, the last day in Jaipur we visited the sundials museum! So far in Jaipur, that was my most favourite place, coz everything was intriguing there. They taught us how to look at the time old fashion way, using SHADOWS! haha and of boy the clock was huge! The biggest in the world too one of them.

This is the biggest sundial in the world. Stands at 70 feet from the ground, and has the accuracy of two seconds. That means the shadows on the sundial moves every two second to show the time. I think the person standing there is Kah Mun's uncle! Demonstrating the clock!

These are the 12 percussion used to look at the stars of the zodiacs. Each at the top has different angles to suit the latitude of Jaipur and the stars on the sky. Complicating i say.

In that museum, they even have percussion to look at the stars of the zodiacs. In this pic, im sitting on the percussion used to look at the cancer stars. Mine is the only one that is straight on the top, and i forgot the reason why.

After Jaipur we took a bus again to Agra! Agra has something special because, it has TAJ MAHAL! But we wont go there just yet.

The first day we got to Agra we visited a mosque, but for goodness sake, i forgot what its called. Wait i know it now, its called Fatehphur Sikri and it was built by one of the Mughol king called Akhbar. Akhbar (muslim), married a Hindu, Christian and a Muslim. Somehow, all of the wives couldnt repocreate, so he prayed hard to god for a child and he had a son called Jahangir.

He built these monument for his son. It was even said that, if u throw flowers on his tomb, tie a ribbon on the gate and make a wish it would 100% come true. Unbelievable...

On the ground are tombs. Take a close look and u will see the tombs. Kah Mun and I just stepped and crossed over it like nobody's business. It was because we dont expect tombs to be that out in the open.

Look at my tummy! Gosh!

Here is the good part, the next day we went to Taj Mahal! The Taj Mahal is just so breath taking!..Everything is made out of white marble, and every carving or every designs on the wall were made out of semi precious stones. Nothing less, but could be more, possibly some out of gold and diamond.

As i mentioned above, those carvings above that covers most part of Taj Mahal, were made out of Rubies and other semi precious stones.

Here is an interesting fact, everyone in that pic, either married but cant have kids, or still single and doesn't have kids. Im growing sceptical of my grammar. Is that 'either or' sentence right? But nevertheless, the ladies there are such sweet people. The love having Kah Mun and i around! It was like we're thier sisters or kids...

I cant help but mention, i look small beside him! hahahah...

The day after, we made our journey to Delhi for shopping and sight seeing. We went to alot of monuments, temple and mosque. Too many to put it up here...but i'll just post it...

One thing i like about India is, they are very passionate about cricket. Doesnt matter in every part of India, wether Kashmir, Jaipur, Agra or Delhi, whenever there is a vacant field or spot, they'll take our thier balls and bats, gather around and play CRICKET! This was after sembahyang jumat in Delhi..

This is the Jamma mosque, we had lots of complication to get there. We got there by india tut tut...its was fun and wild.

On that day itself, after looking at the mosque we had quick shopping, headed for dinner, then to airport and reached Malaysia the next day at 12pm...*sobs*

I am India bound.

India part 1

2007-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I am back! After 2 weeks!....

Im sure all of u want to know about my vacation in India, but im not going to tell u about every places that i've been and its history. its too boring, but i'll tell u the highlights (highlights for me lah) in India.

India to me stands for intricate, nostalgic, and different. Some who have been there, cant wait to get back home, meanwhile some would want to prolong their stay in India.

When u hear the word India, the words you come across in your mind would be dirty, people whom u cant trust and dangerous. India has some part of that, but if you were to compare India in all that sense, you would not be able to capture its essence and beauty.

India is just unpredictable. Thats the word for it.

But the highlight for me in India is Kashmir. I've always read about Kashmir, and how nostalgic it is. Every word that I've read in that book is true.

The people are so friendly and most of them are Muslims. So when they heard that I am Muslim, they were so delighted. The people are very good natured, easy to approach and mainly HILARIOUS. The way they approach to sell things to you and they words that they say are hilarious. To me of course.

The guy on the furthest left corner in called Jon Muhammad if I'm not mistaken. He is hilarious. He got excited too when i told him I am a Muslim. He sold me lots of accessories.

The first thing that came to my mind when i reached Kashmir was Switzerland. It's like the Switzerland of the east, with its beautiful lakes, mountains, snow and surroundings. But somehow to me, Kashmir is more exotic and rare compared to Swiss, so swiss could never come close to Kashmir as its richer in history and more genuine. The pic below shows the houseboat thats scatters on Dal-Lake. Houseboats are decorated home-like and it floats on the water. On each houseboat, there would be some sort called "butlers" who would cater to your needs and provide great hospitality.

The caretakers that I've met are so warm of people. Before i forget, i have to say something else too. Kashmir is blessed with the handsomest people. The guys are gorgeous! They are all blessed with big brown eyes with lashes that could melt any foreign heart. Their eyebrows are lustrous but neatly arranged. Noses that are so high and straight along with a smile that are so pearly white but natural. Even the guys who clean the toilet or clean drains are so good looking that you could overlook all thier flaws. I am dead serious.

I've been to Saudi Arabia and no guy could come close to how good looking these people are. I've been to Europe and none attracts my attention. These people have all the heavenly features. Besides they are so fair and have pink cheeks. Can u imagine it? When i was in Kashmir it was like, GUYS HEAVEN THERE FOR ME! That is what i call, cuci mata!

Kashmir has the beauty of mother nature and of course of its people. I, as a Cancerian, have eyes and a weak spot for Beauty. Kashmir, serves its purpose as a Paradise. I've fallen in love with Kashmir for every reason. If i were to talk about every goodness of that place, i wouldn't stop, because everything about Kashmir is captivating.

This is the view from my houseboat early in the morning. Behind, are the mountains of Gulmarg and on the lake are the houseboats and gondolas that serves the purpose as water taxies.

In Kashmir or as i call it Paradise, I've been to only its gardens, shopping areas, mountains and creeks. The second day, we went to Gulmarg. It's 2 hours away by taxi, from Srinagar (the capital of Kashmir and also the place where we stay). It's a place for skiing and other snow activities. It is so beautiful from afar, as the mountains are covered with sheets of snow.

When we actually got up on Gulmarg, it was farking cold. As i quote Kah Mun " Now u know why i hate winter, it so bloody cold".We even had a ride on its Cable car which were powered only by generators because the electricity got cut off during that time. So it was as slow as a snail, and sometimes on the journey, the cable car would stop half-way hanging in the middle of the cliff. Scary wei..and sometimes it would sway from left to right. *shudders*

When we got up on the other end, it got even colder and i don't know why. Guess coz its higher in altitude i guess. However, we got to stay only for five minutes after that.

Thats the pic of me. Was freezing that time.

By later afternoon, we made our journey back to Srinagar to the wings of comfort in the humble houseboat.

The day after, we made our journey to Pahalgum. I was not comfortable at the thought of that bcoz it's quite dangerous in Pahalgum as it is near to the border of Pakistan and a lot of war had erupted in that area. On the way there too, there were lots of soldiers and army on the field and roads. It was pretty scary, but once I've gotten to Pahalgum, it was nothing scary actually. That place is popular because of its river. On every spring the people there would go for trout fishing.

In that place, i went for horse back riding and sight seeing. It was so beautiful that i made a vow to myself that i would have to come back to Kashmir and Pahalgum again. I fell in love with the creek and imagined myself fishing there

I took some pics but the pic did no justice to that place. It is 10 times much vibrant and beautiful than the pic.

I was so disappointed as i couldn't capture its true beauty in photograph. Even in winter, Paradise is already beautiful, but imagine it in summer with flowers blossoming everywhere, with patches of green prairies and lush maple trees everywhere. Apples tress are planted everywhere, i just wish i could see it lush with green leaves and sweet red apples during the summer.

I just hope i could come to the Mughal garden during the summer for picnics and i could watch the sunset in Dal lake during the dusk. I just wish i could capture its beauty again without having time creeping up on my mind and without having to think about life again.

If i were to be given a choice to either live in a city or a country side forever, i would choose country side, but only if it were Kashmir and not anywhere else.

That is how nostalgic Paradise is to me.

Besides the place, the people give me some kind of excitement too. When i came back to the houseboat i have a hottie to watch. When i am on the road, i have other hotties to look out for too. While with the tour , i have the cute tour guide to look at too. These people gave me the rush.

There is this one caretaker in my houseboat and he is called Imran. He's 22 and still studying. During winter, he has winter break therefore he comes to his uncle's houseboat for a part time job. I didn't dare to talk to him on the first day but i did try talking to him on the second day. After the first time we chatted, we chatted till midnight. He told me he loves photography and showed me all the beautiful pictures he took in Kashmir. He's fluent in 4 languages, esp in
Urdu and he read lots of book about Kashmir. Therefore he can tell me lots of things about Kashmir. He's just a gentle guy with a sweet temper to match.

Thats is his picture. He's not photogenic and it's such a shame coz Kah Mun and i agree that he is so much better looking live. hehehe

When we parted, we exchanged numbers, and u know what? He just called me just now from Kashmir. He really made my day...He sets me out in cloud nine. haih..It might be love...ehehe

Then there is Amin. He's not good looking but he's rich in height. He's tall but has a brain of a caveman. Pretty silly at times but he's a playful guy. Imran always call him Aminah and he always react to it. Since the second day, everybody started calling him Aminah. He's 20 and engaged. He is getting married soon in July! 4th of July to be exact!...hehe He calls Imran Ema sometimes and they are used to it. Such a wierd couple.

That is him with me...

Then there is this other guy on the tour with me. He's the tour guide. He's 19 and like Imran he is also having winter break. He has a smile of K-fed , which is a sharp smile. Overall, he is so good looking until he knows that himself. We exchanged details and his e-mail is aadil_handsome007....so vain rite? But he's nice...not very good in English though but he's just so hot that i feel like taking him home with me. i cant keep my eyes off him. I took his pic secretly for the pleasures of my hungry eyes.

Thats him in the middle...looking blur! it was so hard to make him smile!

Again in pics, Kashmirians are not photogenic. I have no idea why but i guess thats a gift. You cant truly appreciate their beauty until u r near to them. I guess its about every little details on their faces that make them so good looking. Again, with their thick eyelashes and beautiful brown eyes. Their straight nose and lovely pearly smile.....haih...I'm melting now...

Then then, there is this one guy i met in a shop. I don't know how old is he, but he speaks with his beautiful eyes. I can still remember the curve of his eyes and the shade of his eyes, because it was only his eyes that spoke to me.

He is tall and has center parting soft hair. Haih..he's damn cute too lah...

I was buying an ashtray and he was quite shocked to see me buying ashtrays as girls don't smoke in Kashmir. He stood next to me and asked do i smoke. So i said no i dont, but its for my sister. And he kept on talking to me and while talking, he never took his eyes away from my eyes. He did not break the eye contact at all, and oh my, how mesmerized i was by his eyes. His eyes are so warm and how i wish i could lay my eyes again on those eyes. He's really fine and he knows how to talk to a girl without looking at anywhere else, u know what i mean by anywhere else. Some guys when they talk, they look at your boobs, but the guys there are so respectful.

For example, i was talking to Imran, and he was showing me pictures from his hand phone. We had to sit quite near, but he tried his best not to make contact. Besides, all the guys there do all the labour work, meanwhile woman stay at home and become housewives. Women do work, but only in offices. Its quite different in Delhi, even women do labour work there. I find everything seems to be traditional there, but everybody is entitled and treated with equal rights. Even the females. So i am quite glad.

Besides they have lots of stray dogs there, and something came as comforting to me eventhough Kashmirians are mostly Muslims, they never hurt the dogs. They just let them be. Unlike so called Muslims in Malaysia and Indonesians who claim themselves to be religious but kill dogs mercilessly.

I too asked Imran about Gays. He said they are quite many gays there, but they looked at it in the sense that they are good friends. They never make noise about it as they don't like to stir fights and chaos. Besides that, most of the army forces in Kashmir are Indians. None of the Kashmirians volunteered to be soldiers as they hate and try to avoid fights as much as possible. One more point to add is, Kashmirians do not like to be called Indians as they are two different people. Thats why they have thier own language which is called Kashmiri.

Then there is another tour guide in Delhi who comes from Kashmir. He's name Latif and quite old. He ages around 33. He lacks height of course, but he's good looking. U cant see it in pics, but he has nice round eyes, that is light brown in colour. He has a nice smile and every time he laughs he always has his tongue behind his teeth, smiling like a small kid. Besides he is gifted with strong muscular arms and i could see those muscles clearly when it moves. I think any sex addict like Xia Xue could imagine herself being swept away by his strong arms and broad chest. Haih.....But mind u he is so not good looking in pics. Kashmirians are like that i guess...

And, he has my same birth date. He was born on the 20th of July!...horray!..i had to go all the way to India to find someone who has the same birth date as me!.....

See! we are even doing the same thing without even realizing it! tsk cancerians are so alike!

Thats the end of my post on India part 1. to be continued..